Thoughts in Solitude

Detachment

2009-04-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy lately that I really haven't had the combination of time, energy, and thoughtfulness needed for blogging. Even now I really should be going to bed, but, hey! the things I want to talk about here shouldn't always take 3 hours to express! I need to learn how to let my thoughts and feelings out little by little. It's all part of the process. Even if I sit here and blog for ten hours I'm not going to come to the Conclusion. Ultimately the problems of my life boil down to basic truths. I'm sure it would help to state them here.

So one of my problems is that I'm really sensative to how my actions affect the feelings of others. I wonder if I said the right thing, did the right thing. Did I offend them at all? Rub them the wrong way? Give their soul a noogie? Sometimes it's impossible to know, too subtle to detect or ask about.

I have another problem which is connected to this I think. I depend on others too much perhaps. When I get by myself I have a really hard time being productive and motivated. When I'm with others I feel the life flowing through them, through me. I feel the connection, the meaning. Life makes sensewhen I'm with other people, but when I'm alone I'm often just passing the time or doing just the basic things I have to do.

Both of these have to do with being too attached to the world and not attached enough to God. I need detachment. Detachment can cure the oversensativity problem. Only if I have my heart set on God will I have the composure, the desire, and the will to let my heart burn with loving-kindness towards all who cross my path. Only then will I really make my best effort to serve them, to show them love, to brush away all dark thoughts. Only when I see the unity of God reflected in His handiwork can I be that way with total sincerity. Then I can know that I'm making the efforts that my heart knows are right and good. Then I'll feel no shame or regret. Others will benefit from my words and actions, but they will all be directed to God through His servants. They will all be part of sustaining the link between me and God, and it must be sustained and supported throughout the day or it will break. As with anything (such as prayer), at first it may seem laborious and not natural, instinctual, but doing little things throughout the day as part of my relationship with God will bring Him, slowly but surely, into focus in my daily life. Finally I will reach a point where I do all I must do to sustain and strengthen my relationship with God as a second nature. I will see Him clearly manifested before me. I will speak to Him and hear His voice. I will feel the warmth and see the light of His radiance!

What must be done to build up and sustain this link? That's for another time, but I can start out by saying that prayer, obedience, virtue, and consistent, daily effort are at the root of it.

What about the problem of being like a little puppy dog that starts going nuts when it's alone for too long? The same solution. The only way I'll free myself from being blown about on the winds of circumstance is to engage in the relationship with God, laborious and one-sided and clumsy as it may feel at first. Only through communion with Him can I gain independance from the world and all its peoples. Then I can stop worrying about getting all the love I want from them and be filled from the inner wellspring of His love within me. Then I can focus on really loving, really serving, really listening, really seeing others! When I crave for my own selfish desires, even if they be for good things like love and gentle care, my desire blinds me! How can I see the truth when I am chasing the products of my imagination! I must have faith that that God is here! That He will respond! That the reality of His spiritual Kingdom is far better for me than whatever I've put up on a pedastel in my mind and heart!

I must not be discouraged! Finding the link with Him, taking hold of it, finding it again, strengthening it, beign cleansed and purified by it, being filled from it, having my eyes and ears and mouth and nose and hands opened up--all these things take time. I must be grateful, so much more than I now am! How blessed--how undeservingly!--I am to recognize Baha'u'llah, to be able to read His words, to have the chance to consecrate myself to His will, to devote myself to Him entirely! Nothing can approach this goal in worthiness. It is the supreme purpose of my life and its execution embraces everyhour of the day, every circumstance of life, everything within and without me! Every moment, no matter what, holds the chance for me to draw nearer to my Lord.

Why hesitate? It's a good question. I there's no worthwhile reason, but there are a myriad reasons that I allow myself to be convinced by every day. I need to take a close look at what they are....another time.

Prison

2009-03-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

I keep reaching out for my desires. I keep on with my craving of all those things my imagination builds up, all those earthly rewards that I hunger for, all those hopes I insist must realized. Despite all I have learned from Baha'u'llah, I cling doggedly to my cravings and aversions. I imagine the way I want things to be and feel elated when they turn out the way I want, dejected when they don't. I like to think that because of what I've learned from Him--because I understand the concepts--that I am watching the game of self and desire from a lofty remove.

The fact is, I am down in the muck! I am in the very thick of this tragic game of chasing mirages. I claim to be a follower of Baha'u'llah, a lover of God, but I love only myself! When it comes down to it, I do things because in some way they benefit me! I am in the prison of self. O God! I am so sorry! 16 years after discovering Thy truth and the path of Thy good pleasure I am no better than I was then. I have learned nothing! Nothing! I have accomplished so little. I have offered up so little to Thee. My mouth speaks the words of truth, of love and devotion, of unity and reunion with Thee, while my hands tightly grip the mortal cup of my own vain imaginings. I turn to others and sing Thy praises. Then I turn away and drain the cup of self. I am like clear but bitter water, seemingly pure but in fact defiled with selfish desire.

O Lord! 16 years ago I first read these words of Thine:

"O Son of Man!

If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

When first I read those words at the age of 16 I knew in my heart that they expressed my heart's inmost desire, that they summed up the whole purpose of my life. At that time I also read for the first time Thy words:

"O Son of Spirit!

There is no peace for thee save by renouncing thyself and turning unto Me; for it behooveth thee to glory in My name, not in thine own; to put thy trust in Me and not in thine own self, since I desire to be loved alone and above all that is."

I knew the truth of these words then. I knew then that they were the absolute truth. I knew from the beginning what my heart truly desired, what Thou hadst destined for me, the purpose for which Thou created me, what would lead me to light and peace and fulfilment, and what would lead me to pain, loss, and regret. From the very beginning I knew the way so clearly! Every step of the way was mapped out in paths of light on my heart, yet I failed to walk in Thy path! I took up two handfuls of dust and blotted out Thy gifts! I failed Thee!

Even now I walk about in a trance. In a few days I will enter the 34th year of my life. Years pass away, one after the other, with increasing swiftness. Year after year I stand before Thee, at the very shore of the ocean of reunion with Thee. I stand with my back turned to Thee and all my being focused on the mortal cup in my grasp. With the waters of Thine eternal grace lapping up around my feet I cannot tear my gaze away from my worthless desires! With the waves whispering Thy call to me I listen only for the coming of the mirages of my selfish passions! Oh God! Help me! I'm dieing! No, I am as one dead. I am but a ghost. I am powerless to escape this darkness. I have nothing. I am nothing. Everything I would use is but an instrument of my own desires. Every grand idea is but another outgrowth of ego. Every antidote I apply is infected with self. Every escape plan I devise just leads me around in circles!

Long ago I first recognized the truth of these words of Thine:

"O Son of Being!

With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof."

I knew then and have known for every day of the 16 years since, my Lord. I have known clearly but I failed to act. I was afraid. I couldn't bear to let go of this world. I knew Thy truth yet I couldn't bring myself to trust Thee! I knew the way but I wouldn't make my feet move one in front of the other to walk it! I recognized the poisons and drank them with relish!

It's all like a dream. My whole life is a dream, a mirage. I see not the souls of others. I see only what they can give me, as much as I seek to convince myself otherwise. I don't really love anyone because I don't know how to love. I don't even know what love is. I can't see it or feel it or even smell it. It's as Thou said:

"O My Friend In Word!

Ponder awhile. Hast thou ever heard that friend and foe should abide in one heart? Cast out then the stranger, that the Friend may enter His home."

After all these years I have still not cast out the stranger. The Friend still waits outside to enter His home. How patient is the Friend! How merciful! How forgiving! How long He waits, waiting for this one soul, this one who is as a spec of less than nothing before Him, to prepare my heart for Him and invite Him in! After all this time He has not abandoned me! For 16 years He has waited. It's almost beyond belief, but somehow I have not lost my chance.

I need Thy help, O My Lord! I feel so weak. I feel incapable of doing what I must do. I feel so tainted and diseased. It seems everything of me comes out of ego and nothing escapes the mesh of my desires! How can I escape this prison? O Lord! I want to die in Thee! I want Thou to live in me! You ask but one thing of me: to give myself to Thee entirely. O Lord, enable me to really do it! I'm as ready as I'll ever be right now! Destroy me! Let nothing remain! Fill me up, O Lord, and do with me what Thou willest! Burn out from me all traces of self and desire! Enable me to acheive the victory, O Lord, for love of Thee, in the light of nothingness before Thee, returning to Thee, dieing and burning away and disappearing in Thee, growing and learning and teaching in Thee, singing and flying and being born in Thee.

Love

2009-03-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

I've got everything and nothing to say, as ever I do, so I guess I don't really know what's on my mind but I feel I need to write. I guess what matters is what's on my heart. The problem is that matters of the heart don't take shape in my mind in a very crystal clear way. I guess that's one of the main things about the next world that I so look forward to, the chance to finally know what I was really feeling all this time! To know what exactly I've been longing for and why. I really wonder if I'll be as curious as I think I will be or if everything will so transformed that it'll be like thinking of life in the womb. You can only dwell on that so much and then you've covered it.

I know what I'm longing for actually. I just want to love and be loved. Seriously, if that's all there was in my life and everything--everything!--else was stripped away I think I would be fine. Love is so mysterious. It is the measureless ocean that endlessly yields its waters to an unquenchable thirst, the supreme state of being that transcends all else, the ultimate goal that diminishes all the loftiest aspirations, yet at the same time it is like a wisp of fragrance floating on the air, always seeming to be only the faintest trace of its source, and at other times it is like the starry sky, filling me with wonder and delight, but leaving me cold and lonely in my far remoteness.

This longing...I barely feel worthy to feel it at all. I could be doing so much more to show my love to God! "Let deeds not words be your adorning." So much of my time I spend escaping from the pain of reality, because reality is the pain of loneliness! I feel like I need so much love, almost like I'm greedy for it. I want it so much! I want so much of it! I want to swim in love and never reach the bottom! Just keep going and going forever!

I don't just want to take love, though. I want to give it too! All I want to do is give love! It's all I want to do all the time! I spend so much time alone but all I want to do is serve others. I swear I just need other people to tell me what to do and I'll do anything, as long as it feels right. If it's a chance to give and receive love then what is there to think about? Just do it! If only all my life could be the expression of love! If only every action I take, every breath were somehow part of giving and receiving love.

Love is an ocean whose depths have no end, and the farther down you swim the lighter and brighter and more true and free everything becomes. Love is an open sky filled with the breath of the Best Beloved and the birdsong of His eternal Kingdom! Love is a rose ever blooming, ever opening and unfurling its petals for all eternity! Love is so wonderful, so, so precious!

Nothing is of greater value than love, yet in my life I have let it slip away so many times. I was holding onto love. I was in the arms of love! Yet I didn't appreciate what I had. I neglected and abused love. I was a blind fool, or at least that's how it feels. I was young. Now in my late blooming I can finally see clearly, but what fate awaits me? How much loneliness does my Lord wish me to endure? What is truly the way out of loneliness and into love?

I guess the first key to drinking from the cup of love is to truly love others and to feel love for others all the time. The problem for me has been that love has always felt so much like a flash, a spark of spirit that could only be contained within this reality for a moment or two before it winged its way to His Kingdom. Can those sparks kindle a constant flame? Can I feel love burning throughout my being all the time? Can I stoke it enough and receive enough sparks of the spirit to really start a blazing fire? Could that fire grow into a great bonfire and ignite the hearts of others?

I know the answer is yes. I have no doubt, yet I have this fear, so difficult to place, so hard to translate into words. It's like I'm in this prison cell of ego, cut off from the world--not the world...but cut off from the souls of others, cut off from the spiritual world, severed from His presence. In this prison I am truly alone. No soul can enter into or even approach this space of selfish desire, not even my own. There is an open window in the cell offering escape, but I'm too afraid to jump out of it. I even feel like I don't know how. I know if I jump out of there I can't count on anyone catching me. I don't know how much help or what kind of help I'll get. I just know I'll be falling. I just know I'll be putting myself out there, giving my all, opening my heart, exposing myself to the cruelty and heartbreak of this world. I'll be giving of my heart and soul. What will others give to me? I'll be sacrificing my all for others. Will others sacrifice for me? I'll be dedicating my life to selfless service. Will others serve me? I'll be truly loving others with all my heart, loving their beautiful, precious souls, loving the light radiating from deep within them. Will they love me in return? It's like doing a trust fall. Will the people in my life catch me if I really do it, if I really fall back with my eyes to the heavens? If there aren't enough arms to catch me, strong enough to hold me, will I crash into the earth? Will I smash and destroy myself? Will I die of a broken heart?

Will you catch me if I fall Lord? If I open my heart will you fill it up? It is not my place to question Thee, I know, nor to seek assurances before I commit to Thee. I can only pray to Thee. I can only beseech Thee to help me to consecrate my entire being to Thee, my Lord. O Lord, I beg Thee to give me the strength and confidence that I do not feel within me now! I beg Thee to open wide the doors of service that I may see my opportunities clearly and seize them swiftly! At this time in my life, O lord, I know not how to best serve Thee. I want in my heart to do all I can for Thy Cause but I am held back by my weakness and selfish habits and by my lack of vision. There is a cloud before my eyes that obscures the path Thou hast laid out before me, the path of sacrifice to Thee, the path of emptying myself before Thee, the path of, at long last, being filled with Thy love. O my Lord, I beseech Thee to blow away this cloud with one breath of They mercy. Help me to do all I must do in order to truly walk this path. O Lord, help me to overcome my loneliness! Help me to truly love others at all times and under all conditions! Help me to find the way to loving Thee, truly, deeply, with not the slightest wish to turn back, with all there is of me! Please help me to feel the warmth of love, my Lord, to travel through the waters of Thine Ocean of love as I move through the days of this earthly life. O Lord, I beg Thee! Give me the chance to pour out the river of love that flows through my heart into the hearts of others. Strengthen my foundations that I will never fail to be kind and loving, that I will seize with heavenly zeal every chance to give love to others and, if Thou willest it, recieve love from them.

O Lord, do you wish me to have a wife some day? Do you wish me to have children? I have hurt hearts greatly in the past and my own heart has been hurt so terribly! Nevertheless, I know that I could give and receive love with my family even more than with other people! If in Thy wisdom, and in Thy great plan, Thou wishest to bestow such a wondrous and precious gift upon me, I will be grateful beyond measure and I will strive to recognize it as a gift from Thee, a beautiful, wonderful, growing tree of the life of Thy Kingdom, a treasure that Thou hast entrusted to me, but which belongs to Thee forever. I know not what Thou hast destined for me. I beg Thee, my Lord, to make me patient and wise and to aid me to rely on Thee alone, to seek only Thee, and to be utterly content with whatsoever descends upon me from The heaven of Thy will. Thou art the Goal of my desire and of the yearning of all Thy creatures! I beg Thee to take me into Thine arms, and to forgive me, unworthy as I am, and to purify and cleanse me, wretched as I am, and to nurture me and hold me close! All praise, all love, all glory be unto Thee! All of my heart of hearts is for Thee!

Dreams

2009-02-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Just saw the movie, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" tonight. I loved it! It was so slow and steady, flowing like a river through this man's life. So much of it was in that time that I love so much: the 20s, 30s, and 40s. It was so sweet and alive, just a man's life. It was like telling the story of any person's life, the magic and love and memories that fill a normal person's life, a person like me, but since he's aging backwards there's something special going on, but really were just kind of tricked into experiencing the magic and sorrow of real, everyday life.

Benjamin Button grows younger and younger until he is just a little baby when he passes away. That's exactly what I want for myself. I can only hope and strive that I may be as innocent and pure as a newborn baby when it is my time to pass from this world, because that passing is not the end but the beginning. It is not death. It is birth, and all I can do for myself here is to develop in the womb as best I can. Everything but my own spiritual growth and the bonds of love I share with others will pass away.

The knowledge Baha'u'llah has given me about the afterlife is kind of a double edged sword. It makes me feel at peace with the whole process and not afraid, but rather excited about the prospect of moving on from this world. It puts everything in the right perspective and endows life with true meaning that I can embrace completely. In a sense, eternal life has begun already! At the same time, however, knowing that the next world is one of light without darkness, union without seperation, joy without suffering, and goodness without evil, makes this world sometimes seem all the darker. It makes me sometimes so impatient to be quit of it, and frustrated that I must experience so much toil and sorrow. And so many suffer so much more than me. To love God is to know that you are in prison. Ignorant bliss is shattered forever when you see what true freedom is, the freedom that comes only from letting go of this world and its trappings, submitting your will entirely to God, cleansing your heart with sincere efforts in His path, and opening it completely to His love and care.

That all sounds great right? It is great, but it's really difficult to to actually do and maintain and can be really painful, like strenuous exercise. True life, spiritual life, is such a challenge. It demands so much--everything! I often feel alone, more alone than perhaps I really am, and it's harder when I feel that way. That's why, if I get married, that woman must be a devout Baha'i and she must be passionately engaged in this same quest for God, because if she's not, I think I would feel more alone than ever. I know I would.

On the contrary, if she is on that path then I think we would both be able to support each other greatly. Maybe that's especially important to me because I feel like life is so much more real when I'm with others, when there is a real person there to love and serve. Marriage and family can be a way to bring the spiritual world into ours and to raise us up into that realm. So, now that I've written it down, I'm sure that's what I'm looking for in the marriage department. A Baha'i who will walk with me, hand in hand, every step of the way on this heavenly yet very difficult journey. I think I've been through enough and learned from my mistakes to have the right view of it now. Of course that means I have to be more detached than ever about finding that special woman, because I have REALLY narrowed it down. Detachment, especially in that area, is a good thing for me. It's difficult though, a perfect example of the challenges of the spiritual path. I am grateful to still be on it! Thank you God! Help me to walk it well!

On another note, a few nights ago I had a dream. I still remember it vividly, which is rare for me, so I'll describe it as best I can. I was in a small house with some friends and family. We were stitting around a table talking. Someone went to the window and said that she saw something strange and that maybe a storm was coming. I went to look through the window. You know how in dreams you see strange things that you would never see in real life, but in the dream it seems normal and you don't have much reaction? Well, what I saw out the window made such an impression on me that even in the dream I was mesmerized, so much so that I think I almost woke up at that point. What I saw was a vast landscape rolling of into the far distance, with a city full of skyscrapers off to the right. The sun was setting low in the sky. The clouds were ablaze with color but not the usual colors. They were full of blue and silver. The sun was a white light, not blinding, flickering just like a spot of bright reflection upon rippling water on the brightest of days. It was flickering a silver white light, flickering a heavenly light, pulsing to an unheard angelic melody. It was so peaceful, so beautiful. For a long time, which later seemed like only a moment, I gazed into that light. Then I felt commotion and distress growing around me. I turned to look around me in the house and I saw that everyone was racing about frantically and preparing to abandon the place. I asked someone what was going on. She said a great storm was coming, and that the house and all this area would be destroyed. She said it would arrive in a few minutes so we all needed to escape as quickly as possible. I looked out the window again. The sun and sky were as peaceful as before but I saw that that something was changing in the earth. It was shaking or moving in some way, almost becoming like liquid. Then I started to feel rumblings in the ground beneath my feet. I was suddenly so alarmed! I started racing around the room collecting things that I thought I needed. I grabbed this and that. My arms quickly filled up with a pile of stuff. When I grabbed things they seemed essential, but when I looked at what I was carrying it all seemed like utterly useless junk that would be no help to me. I kept running around piling things into my arms, however, stuff falling out onto the floor. I was full of anxiety, as if my whole future depended on the things I could carry out of that room. Meanwhile the room is shaking more and more. I knew I had to get out of that house now. Then I saw a plate of bacon on the table and a bacon and egg sandwich next to it. Suddenly I felt so hungry and felt that I had to eat, that I wouldn't be able to find food for a long time. I stuffed my face with bacon until I realized I had to get out of the house immediately or I was going to die. I raced out of the back door of the house. The land rose steeply up from the house into a thick forest. Everything was so green and lush. I saw the last stragglers of what I knew somehow to be a vast retreating mass disappearing into the forest. I was alone. I raced up the hillside towards the shadows of the forest. The whole world was shaking and rumbling. Some ways up I stopped and turned to look behind me. I could see the house below me, the city to the right, but beyond the house what had recently been plains and hills sweeping far into the distance was one indescribably vast maelstrom of spinning earth. It was growing rapidly, turning all the land into liquid, spinning unbelievably fast. It was miles and miles wide! The fury and power of it was like nothing I've ever experienced before! It hadn't reached the house or the city yet, but it seemed inevitable it would. It was spinning so gracefully, so majestically. I stood on the hill and watched as it grew. I wasn't afraid, but I felt so small. I looked to the sky, into the setting sun. It's flickering white light filled my vision. All else was cleared away and all became silent. In the light I felt such peace as I had never known. Oh, such peace! O my Lord, my Best Beloved, such peace, such peace! Then I woke up.

Back in this world, the light replaced by a pillow, blankets, and a wall. The world rushed in again to swiftly fill my mind. I felt such dismay. Oh, Lord, I beg Thee! If it be Thy will, let me gaze again on Thy light! Oh Lord, fill my vision with it! Let me not wait through all the years of this mortal life to feel such peace and love! Let me be a channel of Thy peace and love to others! Let me eat, drink, and breath them! Oh Lord, help me to walk this path, weak and prone to failure as I am, in such a way that will cause me to be filled with Thy light and to feel Thy closeness. All else is ashes and dust! Help me Lord. I need Thee. I am starving for Thy love. Please Lord, aid me to love Thee, that Thy love may flow into me and through me unto others.

Ya Baha'ul-Abha!

Good Medicine

2009-02-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Special moment for me right now. I'm listening to a new album by The Orb for the first time in 4 or 5 years. I love The Orb and I love this new album! Few things compare to hearing a really great new album by a band you already loved for the first time. Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

I hung out for a long time today with my only Korean friend who is not a coworker or a Baha'i, and we hadn't seen each other for like 4 months or something, so it was kinda special. We went and saw one of those romantic movies that feels good when you're watching it but when you walk out you start feeling really lonely and crummy. It was "He's Just Not That Into You." First time I've seen a movie at the theatre for like 5 months!

My friend is really cool, kind, and soft spoken. A good person I can really be friends with. Unfortunately her English isn't quite at the point where we can have more abstract conversations. Actually I was able to talk about all kinds of spiritual things, about life and stuff, about the Baha'i Faith, and she understood almost everything I said clearly. She got frustrated trying to express her own understanding of Buddhism, but she said it was hard to speak clearly about in Korean as well. Of course I made an effort to teach the Faith but I think she might be kinda satisfied with Buddhism right now. I'll invite her to a devotional in the near future.

So with that in limbo I'm down to basically zero contacts for teaching the Faith right now. I'm like a painter who has everything but paint. I'm not going to sit here and complain about the myriad difficulties in teaching the Faith in Korea. I've done that enough already. It is what it is. Korea is just tough. I'm sure it seems tougher to me because I can't help but compare it to China. Someone coming from the States might not notice a lot of difference, except that they can't communicate with most people, and that the concentration of evangelical Christians is much higher than in most places in the U.S., which is surreal.

Until recently, I was getting more and more set in my feeling that I needed to move on from Korea as soon as possible, mostly because of my perception of the low percentage of receptive souls here (I don't know if it's accurate) and because of how difficult it's been for me to meet people and develop friendships. Well, also because I can speak Chinese and Korean is pretty hard to learn, and because I had such unprecedented successes in the teaching field there. And maybe because I have this urge to keep moving, keep moving, which is definitely partly unhealthy.

My trip to Malaysia shook me up though. I got a break from Korea, which enabled me to go back and look on it with fresh eyes. I also got to know many members of my community that I hadn't been able to connect with very closely before, because a bunch of us went to Malaysia together. Since then I've been spending a lot more time with other Baha'is, especially one-on-one. I've been getting out more and participating more in the activites of the community. I've been able to serve others, listen to then, give them counsel, all those good things. It's made me feel much more useful and envigorated than I was when I was just trying to survive in my cave. The teaching work is going slow, but at least I can serve the community. At least I can support the friends as they face their own daunting challenges. At least I can love them and be a friend and hopefully a positive example to them.

I've really fallen in love with this community since the Malaysia trip. The Baha'is of Seoul and the surrounding area are really a family. It's a small community, and there are a number of souls drifting around the edges, not participating much or at all (which I understand. I've definitely been there!) but there are some really pure, dedicated, radiant souls working hard for the Cause here. They love each other, they take care of each other, they support each other. Korea is not an easy place for them to teach the Faith or to be a Baha'i either! They face the challenges courageously, though, and persevere. They keep stoking the flame of devotion, cultivating unity, and taking step after steep uphill step on the path that God has laid out for us. I really admire them and love them.

So I'm trying to find my path of service to the Cause here in Korea. I was almost in despair about it before, but now I feel buoyed by my capacity to serve the members of the community. I'm also focusing maybe more than ever before on my own spiritual practice, as well as other things, like getting good sleep consistently, that are a huge part of the overall picture. Baha'u'llah sometimes refers to Himself as the Divine Physician, and it really helps me to think of Him that way right now. He understands all my problems and He knows the solutions. He has diagnosed me perfectly. I know the essentials of the treatment that He wants me to undergo and I know what medicine He wants me to take. I've always known but I haven't ever taken the treatment and the medication consistently enough to really receive their benefits. I've been so, so stubborn in my refusal to change, to break with my discredited old ways, to accept my need for his healing treatment. I've also been such a daydreamer that I keep drifting off into fantasy, not holding onto reality long enough to really see and start attending to the urgent needs of my life. Maybe when I've seen the problems is right about when I've dove back underwater.

So whether it's better for the Cause for me to stay here or go to China or something else I don't yet know, but I do know this: establishing healthy and transformative new habits like sleeping and eating well and getting exercise, like praying and reading the Scriptures every morning and evening and memorizing the words of God, like saying my Obligatory Prayer and 95 Allah-u-Abhas very day without fail, like studying the Faith and maybe other important things in my spare time, like grounding myself in the present moment and its needs and joys, then my whole mental-physical-spiritual makeup will be changed over time. It's all good medicine from God, especially the prayers and readings, and good medicine has a profound affect over time that you can't appreciate until you've experienced. Important decisions are best left for when one is healthier and of sounder mind.

I've been telling myself to do all these things for years, but not having much success due to a lack of commitment. I feel like something is happening now though, maybe something entirely new. I feel very hopeful. I guess I see the importance of all these things more than before, especially taking the prescribed medicine from Baha'u'llah. It feels like something I'm actually wanting and doing rather then something that I'm ruminating on and "should-ing all over my self." That's new. Like, for example, I realized that I need to set a strict bedtime for myself, probably 1 am for now, at which time I must be in bed no matter what. I can read and stuff but I have to stay on the bed. I hadn't thought of that before! I can't believe now that it hadn't occured to me but I think it didn't because I didn't really care enough. I didn't really want to change enough. Actually, it's more like this: I didn't want to stay focused on the reality of my problems long enough to find real solutions to them. I already had it figured out! When things get tough, escape into fantasy! Problem solved! Well, not really. Escapism solves problems about as effectively as drug use, just with less side effects.

Anyways, what do do and why and how to do it are pretty clear, so all that's left is the doing! Everything still feels kind of empty when I'm not teaching the Faith, no matter how much good I'm doing, but I can't just give up on everything else. Besides, good things in other areas will lead to good things in teaching. They'll make me better able to teach. I just ahve to accept that teaching is going to go slowly here and just do my best and stop getting so frustrated all the time. It does no good.

In order to teach the Faith in Korea I'm going to have to really put myself out there by joining groups like Toastmasters or going to this meeting of Unitarian Universalists I heard about. If I don't do that I just don't know how I'm going to meet even one person, much less a searching soul! And even when I join those groups it will take time. It will take some time tilling the soil and planting seeds before I see any sapling springing from the earth, and even they aren't guaranteed to grow as much as I hope. Other people have their own lives and they are in God's hands. I can only do what I can. I wish I could be more direct in my approach, like a soldier on the battelfield, unsheathing my sword and racing towards the evil horde, yelling out a battle cry, but I'm not on a medieval battlefield. I'm in a big modern city, full of busy, preoccupied people. I'll will do more than what I'm doing. I'll pray for God to show me the way, to send souls to me and me to them, and to give me the strength and purity and openness and constancy and love to be able to understand what they're searching for and to humbly guide them to the fountain of the love of Baha'u'llah, where they may at long last quench their thirst. I must find my own way there before I can guide others. I certainly must.

That starts with getting good, regular sleep, so I'm going to observe my new bedtime rule and go to bed!

Nine was already my favorite number...

2009-02-10T05:45:00.000-08:00

It's been two days of work and two nights after work since I wrote the last entry, and since I made the commitment written down in it. I guess I can say I've made progress on that path. I haven't played any computer games or watched any movies or TV shows. I still end up at the computer but now I'm replying to old emails I should have answered a while back and cleaning out my inbox and stuff. I haven't been able to actually tear myself away from the computer yet. I see progress though.

Actually today I spent about an hour cooking home fries and veggies with tofu. It was actually pretty fun and definitely rewarding. It takes a while but it's healthy. Ive avoided cooking before, partly because I figured it's no fun cooking for one. The plus side of cooking for one is that you have leftovers for later, though, so it kinda evens out.

It was kind of a special experience today with the food. I actually went out of my way to buy vegetables, and when I was there I just chose and bought like it was no big deal. I wasn't stressed out or confused. Then I just went home and got to work chopping and stir-frying. There was just something wholesome and good about the cooking experience. It just felt right, like spiritual nutrition. It's the exact kind of thing I need to do more of to have a more balanced and healthy life.

Cooking is also one of those things where afterward I was thinking, "That was cool but it woulda been so much better with someone to share it with." You know, someone to cook for and to chat with while I'm chopping and cooking, even just a friend. Well, that's a kind of revelation and a sign that I'm doing a healthy thing. I mean, I don't wish I had some company when I'm playing computer games or watching movies! Those are activities designed to cope with loneliness. They also reinforce it. Something more natural and healthy like cooking suddenly makes me feel like actually inviting someone over to my house for a meal! WOW! I mean, it hasn't even occured to me to invite someone over because I've gotten into such a turtle shell mentality. My apartment is my shell and after work I slide back into it, and I spend a lot time on the weekend holed up there too.

That's no way to live, not for me at least. A while back I learned about the Enneagram and I'm studying it some more right now. If you know anything about it then you'll probably agree when I say I'm totally a 9. That's #9 of the nine personality types. It's an amazing system actually, and 9 is dead on for me.

Anyways, one thing about Nines is that they don't really think about themselves much but kind of live through relationships or imagination. Nines don't tend to have any personal ambitions but get their satisfaction through connecting with other people and being part of a group. They love to bring happiness to others and harmony to groups, to listen and support and just be with others. Nines long for communion, oneness, and harmony. Being in that state with others is their bliss.

When Nines are alone they tend to retreat into fantasy, pleasantly daydreaming their way through life, as if they start to drift out of their bodies and out of this reality when not anchored by other people. From the Nine's perspective, other people, and the meaning and joy he draws from his relationships with them, are the only reason for his continued participation in this reality. In the absence of that living, breathing spiritual dynamic he naturally drifts away into a fantasy world where he can either feel those kind of feelings or forget his desire for them. This can lead Nines to become increasingly isolated and detached from reality, which in turn makes them less able to deal with reality as it impinges on their lives. Unfortunately, the Nine's way of dealing with this is to retreat even further and adapt his defense mechanisms to the problems as best he can. Meanwhile he does all he can to keep his problems from bringing sadness to others or disharmony to the group. Secretly he mourns the loss of his communion with others and the feelings of union with the divine and wholesome aliveness that he used to feel.

Am I telling the story of my own life or am I describing the Nine personality type? I don't know because they are one and the same! Learning about the Enneagram has definitely helped me get some perspective. It's funny...I was talking with a friend the other day. I said, "Well, I've been spending so much time alone since I've been in Korea. When I spend too much time alone I start to get really lonely and depressed and I spend all my time escaping from reality. The problem is that I just don't care about myself or my own interests and stuff. I just kind of shut down when I'm alone, but when I meet another person it's like I suddenly turn on. Suddenly I have purpose and zest for life! I want to commune with that person and hear all their stories. I want to serve them, to love and be loved by them. I feel full of life when I'm with other people!"

She said, "Well you should spend more time with others and less time alone."

"Hmm...good idea. Why didn't I think of that?"

OY......VEY!

Of course I know exactly why I didn't I didn't think of that, and why I didn't realize the problem so clearly until now: because I've been taking a steady dose of some kind of natural sedative that my brain produces and hiding from the pain and the problems and their solutions in a cloud of fantasy and oblivion.

It's still a process, though, even though I see the truth now. I mean, what I really want is the kind of union that I won't fully experience until the next world. That's really all I want. I don't want to accomplish anything for my own sake. I don't have a single personal ambition. I'm not about to get excited about trying to become a great writer or acquiring this or that thing or excelling at this or that pursuit. It's all I can do to simply find my way through everyday reality! Being grounded in this world and developing healthy patterns of behavior that carry me along a positive path through this material world is more than enough for me. Living life to me is all about creating a framework that will enable me to channel and experience spiritual reality. That definitely means taking care of lots and lots of things and it definitely involves striving for excellence in different pursuits, such as teaching ESL or learning Korean, but every one of those activities and pursuits is only a body. Without a soul a body is just a zombie, and that's exactly what I feel like when I'm doing things that aren't filled with spiritual purpose.

One thing to do about that is to cut out the things that I can't fill with spiritual purpose, such as computer games, etc., or to reduce them to a size where they can fulfil a spiritual purpose, as a means of rest or diversion or whatever. Another thing is to pour more spiritual purpose into the things that I'm already doing, such as teaching English, studying the writings of the Faith , and serving the Cause. Finally, it's necessary to start doing new things that can be filled with spiritual purpose, such as cooking, exercising, and learning Korean.

I have no problem with my essential nature, especially now that I've seen through the Enneagram that, though the essence of my personality is beautiful and valuable, I'm struggling with the weaknesses that come along with it. I know basically who I am and I know my weaknesses and I know what I really long for. Here's the most important point of all: I can't always be around people. Even if I was I wouldn't always be able to experience the union that I long for. The only way for me to find some measure of contentment in this life, to feel my thirst for communion quenched to some degree, is to embark on the path of communion with God. This relationship can and must be pursued through relationships as well as in solitude. Though I be ever far from Him, He is at all times near unto me. I must gather the courage now, at this hour of truth, to send myself with utmost resolve down that path of communion with Him. I must not hesitate or turn back my head. The time for that has past. I must have the courage to put Him first at all times, to focus on Him foremost in all my endeavors, to make Him the goal of all my pursuits. I must have the courage to make the sacrifices and the life changes that all that will entail. I must have the patience and fortitude to persevere on the path of absolute commitment and devotion to Him even though I feel pain and hunger and thirst and craving and fear. I must have the courage to walk over hot coals, to step over cliffs, to walk into shark infested waters. I can do all this and more because I know He is with me and I am with Him and so there is nothing to fear but straying from Him. There is nothing to crave save His presence. There is nothing to hope for save the opportunity to serve Him. There is nothing to love save the reflections of His spirit in all created things.

Baha'u'llah says:

"O SON OF BEING!

Thy paradise is My love; thy heavenly home, reunion with Me. Enter therein and tarry not. This is that which hath been destined for thee in Our kingdom above and Our exalted dominion."

911

2009-02-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Hey there. Well it's been a while. Not sure if anyone still checks this blog, but I'm realizing that people reading it is not the main thing this blog is for. On the last post I wrote, "I'm a Writer." Well, that's true. I was on a creativity kick at that time and was thinking I need to write creatively and stuff. I don't need to do that but I probably do need to write blogs and stuff for the sake of my mental health. I'm always thinking like I'm blogging, thinking things out, telling the story of my life, my thoughts and feelings, to myself, but in my head it gets scrambled up so quick its hard to put it all together into something that makes sense, something that looks like a real insight or even a decision that I can hold onto.

Another difference between writing and thinking is that writing gives me this feeling that the thoughts and feelings are flowing out and going somewhere, that something is being done with them, that they're being processed. They're going out of wherever they were into a new place and in that there is some movement, some energy and growth. Just thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings keeps it all locked up and bouncing around inside. Not good.

Of course the main thing I want to do is to actually live life and to do all the things that I really want, in my heart of hearts, to do, but if writing can get me untracked and out of my mental spin cycle, then it's a good thing and a nurturing rain for the seed of action. Therapy is like that too, and medication. I could use both, especially the meds. A friend just told me about a hospital that has a great section for foreigners so I'm gonna go there for meds and some other ailments. She also told me about a clinic that provides therapy and medication. I'm not sure if I want or need therapy but it couldn't hurt. I probably could benefit from exercise and a healthy diet more than therapy!

Anyways, yeah it's definitely time for anti-depressants...I guess, I don't know. I don't what's going on up in my head. It's time to try them. It's not like I feel sad and anxious all the time but there's just something in me that's holding me back, something sapping me of energy and confidence, something keeping me from moving forward and seizing the day, something that makes me feel like I all I can do is take care of my basic responsibilities and I need to spend the rest of the time just escaping and resting, something that makes me feel overwhelmed by life and not able to get out of my apartment and face the world, something so afraid....

Something that has had its day and needs to go back to wherever it came from! I'm tired of this crap! If my brain chemistry is holding me back then let's take care of the brain chemistry and move on! There's too much I need to accomplish in this life, to much good to do, too many souls crying out in need of love and guidance, too many opportunities for service waiting for me to seize them. There's the whole Kingdom of God, all the angels of heaven, the whole surging force of spiritual life flowing, rushing forth from God, waiting for me to open up and let it flow through me! And here I sit, like I turtle with its head and legs all pulled in, afraid of what I might find if I stick my head out. Whatever it is it will be real, living, breathing, flowing, wonderfully burning spiritual life!

Really...why go on another moment like this? I don't like computer games, movies, and internet meanderings. I don't like them! I hate them! They are the devil. They are my drugs, my way of escaping reality and whittling away the hours meaninglessly. Such escapism is more death than life. I've consigned myself to this because I feel it's too hard to get out and meet people and serve people or to do things like exercise or study. It's just too damn hard to live this life of mine.

It's all so hard, so painful. So much effort, so much struggle and what is there ever to show for it? Is there happiness, joy? For fleeting moments and then its back to work. Keep striving, keep going, do your best, give everything! For what? That's the question I should be asking, because if I'm looking for some reward or for peace and satisfaction to take some tangible form that I can find in the physical world then I'm going to continue to be disappointed year after year. If I serve and strive and teach the Faith and selflessly do all I can for the Cause, for Baha'u'llah, for friends and family, for my students, for all who cross my path and hope for some expected results, or recognition, or for any reward, I will soon become disenchanted and run out of gas, as I always do, and then I will grind to a halt and start sinking into the mire, as I have so many times, and then I will fall into a slumber of negligence that will last for who-knows-how-much forsaken time.

I've got to ask myself right now: Is this what you want for your life, Daniel? Because only you can live your life. No one will live it for you. No miracle will occur to change the fabric of existence to be more in line with what would be convenient for you. This is it! This is your one shot to make a difference. This is your one chance to exercise your free will. What will you do? This life will pass, year by year, and you will find yourself decades down the road before you know it. What will you have to say for yourself then? What will you say when you've come to the end? Will you say, "I'm sorry. I failed. It was just too hard." Or will you say," Thank You Lord for having breathed in me the spirit of true life that has filled me and directed me to do Thy bidding all these years! Thank You Lord for giving my life purpose, for making me Thy instrument, for lifting my heart above the troubles and passions of this world into Thy realm of eternal peace! Thank You for loving me, for enabling me to love Thee and to love others, to feel this love so pure and bright and burning! Thank You for being there for me at all times and for giving me the strength to devote myself to Thee, body and soul! Thank You Lord for my life!"

I need to recognize this: when the end comes I will be saying one of those two things. I want it to be the latter. Life is too hard. It's too confusing and convoluted and crazy. It's insane. Life is painful. Life basically sucks. So why partake of it? Why drink from the bitter cup? Why, why, why? I mean if I want to go down the road of earthly pleasures I might as well stop pussyfooting and just go ahead and get addicted to heroine or something. Why hang out in limbo? Just choose a side, Daniel, and go that way with all your might. You want to escape into oblivion. Fine, go become a crack fiend! Otherwise....recognize that this world always leads you back to right where you are right now! Stuck in the muck and hating it!

I've tried this world and all it can ever offer me by now. It has nothing new to offer. Everything will just be a variation of the same theme: indulge yourself and sink into oblivion, or retreat in fear from the big scary world, or go get that thing you hunger for. Without those three things in my life the only thing left is God. There's not even me left after those three things are gone.

I'm tired, so tired. 32 years of this life is enough. Death is better than decades more of worldy desires, idle sloth, and all the ego-driven endeavors. It's all ashes and dust. It's worse than that. It's poison. It's horrible. I'm sick at the thought of it. I could die right now, going only into nothingness and darkness, and it would be better than this worthless vanity, this sick game, this prison of self. (No, suicide has not even crossed my mind, so don't worry. That's not the point.)

Baha'u'llah says:

"O SON OF SPIRIT!

There is no peace for thee save by renouncing thyself and turning unto me; for it behooveth thee to glory in My name, not in thine own; to put thy trust in Me and not in thyself, since I desire to be loved alone and above all that is.

O SON OF MAN!

If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

In the past I've succeeded in withdrawing from darkness and I've begun my ascent into the light but I always falter and fall. One reason is that once my feet are off the ground I feel so weak and vulnerable. I'm seperated from my comforts, all the illusory supports of material life, not receiving the stimulation I've relied on. I'm in withdrawel. I reach out to God and beg Him to satisfy this painful hunger with good things from Him, to fill this gaping hole with light, but that's not how it works! A junkie trying to kick heroine is not going to find joy and illumination in some other substance, some replacement, something that's OK because it's "good" and heroine's "bad." No! Spiritual life is something completely different from material life. The hunger and emptiness that I feel when I pull out of my comfort zone is not something that God will EVER satisfy or fill. The only thing for them is the pain of letting them die. That's the pain of the death of self. That's the pain that we cannot escape. Yet that pain need not linger on for all my life! I can deal with it now, go through the death of self, suffer the horrible fever, let the battle rage within, and when the fever breaks the evil will be gone! I must, of course, guard against letting it back in! But I will have acheived the victory over self in this life! In that process of healing, as my soul fights the infection of ego, glimpses of true joy will come to me, the clouds will slowly part and I will begin to taste true peace!

The battle may be long. The infection has spread throughout my being. The fever may be frightful. What does it matter? There's nothing left but to offer up my soul to the Divine Physician, to accept His diagnosis, to apply His remedy, and to take His medicine. That is all that is left to me. I cannot live like this anymore. I'm calling 911 right now. This is an emergency! I know He hears my call and He is sending paramedic teams of angels to save my soul. I won't resist the cure anymore. I don't care what it entails. I care nothing for my future or for any goal or interest or hope or opinion or possession or craving or aversion I've ever had or ever will have! They are, every single one of them, poison! I don't care what anybody thinks! I don't care if people think I'm a fanatic or a religious automaton or a whatever! I don't care about who I coulda, shoulda, woulda been! I don't care about my artistic talents or my potential for this or that. I don't care about wealth, security, happiness, satisfaction, liesure, comfort, or the fulfilment of any desire! Poison! All of it! As of this moment I'm throwing my entire life, past, present, and future in the furnace of God's will! Whetever is pure and praiseworthy will remain. Let the rest burn and begone! Good riddance! Goodbye to the putrid taste of it all in my mouth! Goodbye to the fetid odor of it all! Goodbye to the hatefulness and wretchedness of it all! Goodbye to the sinking melancholy and depression of it all! Goodbye to the selfish folly of it all!

Baha'u'llah says:

"O SON OF MAN!

A dewdrop out of the fathomless ocean of My mercy I have shed upon the peoples of the world, yet found none turn thereunto, inasmuch as everyone hath turned away from celestial wine of unity unto the foul dregs of impurity, and, content with mortal cup, hath put away the chalice of immortal beauty. Vile is that wherewith he is contented.

O WEED THAT SPRINGETH OUT OF DUST!

Wherefore have not these soiled hands of thine touched first thine own garment, and why with thy heart defiled with desire and passion dost thou seek to commune with Me and to enter My sacred realm? Far, far are ye from that which ye desire.

O SON OF DESIRE!

Give ear unto this: Never shall mortal eye recognize the everlasting Beauty, nor the lifeless heart delight in aught but in the withered bloom. For like seeketh like, and taketh pleasure in the company of its own kind.

O SON OF GLORY!

Be swift in the path of holiness, and enter the heaven of communion with Me. Cleanse thy heart with the burnish of the spirit, and hasten to the court of the Most High."

I can do this. It's what God put me here to do. The only alternative is a living death. There is no other way. It's going to take time. It's going to hurt a lot. But I will persevere, and this time when it hurts so much I feel I'm going to explode, I will continue with the divine treatment and continue to take the holy medicine. I'm ready to go, Lord. I'm gonna need you every step of the way! Please guide me! Please protect me! Give me the strength to walk the path! Ya Baha'u'l-Abha! You have asked me the simplest of questions, my Lord. My answer is YES!

I'm a Writer

2008-09-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book recently called The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield. I could go on all day about what I've learned--or started to begin to learn--from this book. I'm sure I will eventually. There's one thing that he talks about that come s to my mind now though. He's a writer so his struggle is to write. Other artists struggle to paint or make music and so on. I can relate to him well though because I'm a writer. (Wow....I think that's the first time I can remember actually writing that down and really putting it out there. "I'm a writer." I may not have even said it! I'm a writer. I write.)

Every day he gets up and starts again. If he underestimates the power of Resistance, which is his term for all the inertia, resistance, doubt, and sabatoge that goes on within us and limits our progress towards our dreams, then he will find by the end of the day that he's gotten off track and he hasn't practiced his discipline of writing. He's a writer so he must write every day. He must sit down at his desk and write. He must be disciplined and commit time to it.

I must do that too. (A more comfortable chair would help!) I must sit down and write every day. I've thought about it before over the years, always giving myself some reason to not do it, some argument conjured by Resistance. Now I just feel like I don't have any choice. It's write or die. If I don't write I'm finished. If I don't write I'll go throught the rest of my life not being who I am, being a shadow self. After writing just that little piece of microfiction the other day I realized the fact: I'm a repressed artist. Bigtime. My temperment, outlook, and way of perceiving and expressing have always been complementary to creative expression. It's a natural fit for me. It's what I need. It's what I have to give. Writing draws on something in me that longs to grow and develop and shine. Something that I've been keeping shut up in a closet for most of the past decade.

I'm already starting to feel the grief. You can't truly feel the loss of something until you really appreciate it. I could always tell myself before that it wasn't that big of a deal. The world didn't need it. I could be just as happy doing something else. Now I realize that I've been neglecting a vital part of who I am for a really, really long time, like living for years with my right hand tied behind my back! It's almost nauseating to think about, but I'm glad it makes me feel sad because that means I'm really seeing the truth now. I'm no longer in denial about my creative nature.

I'm here now, 32 years old, with my whole life ahead of me. Not too old. I've a lot left to give, hopefully lots of time. And I'm coming to these realizations in an ideal situation. I've got all this time to myself, especially on work days, and a job with not that many hours. There's lots of time to write. Lots of time to start developing the discipline of writing. time to sit down and just write and work on it and work through the Resistance and start growing and gaining confidence as a writer. Time to find my passion, my interests, my Muse. Time to weather the ups and downs of the whole process.

I'm exhausted right now. Lots of thoughts swirling but they'll have to wait. This is life. Sometimes you just have to laugh and shake your head at yourself and the decisions you've made and the excuses you've given yourself for them. This is growing up. Life is good. And it's short. Accomplishing a lot and leaving a legacy is great if you can manage it, but the main thing is the journey, the growing, the discovery, the illumination! What matters most is what carries on into the next world. If I publish one book or ten or none, what matters is the process I go through, the joy I feel, the happiness I bring to others, the vibrancy and spiritual power with which I move through this life. Writing is part of that somehow for me. It must be part of my path through this life, part of my way of taking in and giving out. Maybe drawing and painting too! Music! Just creative expression. I don't know how it's going to all come together. That not knowing was enough to turn me back in the past, but now I can't turn back. There's no going back. I'll just have to keep creating and see where it leads me. I'll keep praying and loving God and seeking His Kingdom, so I'm not worried it's going to lead me astray or anything like that. Creating is goin to lead me into another phase of life, one in which I start to become the man I was created to be. I'm a creator. I'm a Baha'i. I'm a soul. I'm a servant. I'm a counselor? Working on that one. I can finally say with certainty, though, I'm a writer. I write.

On another note, I want to continue putting down firsts here:

-- Today was the first time I had a persimmon since I was in China. It was awesome! They look like little orange tomatoes but their insides are almost like pudding. You can just open up a hole and suck out the goodness! Yummy! They just showed up at the fruit lady's stand so maybe it's the season. It's-a niice!

-- Last night was the first time I made spaghetti in Korea. I added lots of veggies. It was goooood.

-- On Monday I wrote a fictional story for the first time in maybe 10 years! It was a huge breakthrough for me, part of other breakthroughs happening in me right now. I'm breaking into pieces with all these breakthroughs! Happy pieces.

-- That was also my first installment in what will be weekly contributions to a microfiction writing group that I just joined, It's The Water, which is linked to this blog. Stoked about it.

-- Tomorrow will be my first trip to Costco in Korea. I'm looking forward to it.

The Evil Eye

2008-09-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, definitely keeping this one short! Must....not....blog.....extensively! Just want to throw down my thoughts for today.

I couldn't sleep last night until ungodly late, so then i woke up late and didn't have much time before work. My goal is to turn off the lights at 1 am every night and wake up at 10 am every day. I'll transition to that this week and start it in earnest on Sunday night. Then I'll keep it up for 21 days. A friend told me that that's the amount of time it takes to establish a new habit. So I guess I'll be realizing my goals over 3 weeks and then it'll be more habitual and easier and flowier.

Another thing is that I'm getting so sick of the news! It's like crack! I get so sick and poisoned from reading about the presidential campaign, but I'm so worried that McCain might win that I keep going back. I have to admit I SO want Obama to win and it would be an absolute DISASTER worse than Bush if McCain wins. I can't even bear the thought! Oy...but it's still the darkness before the dawn and things still have to get worse before they get better and the old world order is still in need of futher crumbling. McCain would be the man for that. Ugh....it's hard to be detached. There's nothing for it, though, except to stop soaking it in and just let those matters be.

Today I played a computer game but only for a little bit. The only other goofing around was the politics crack rock smoking. The main problem today (and most days) is just going a little too slow. I mean there's no doubt that going slow and taking it easy is and always will be my style. A lot of good things come from it but I also want to feel productive. Like if I'm going to be doing nothing or going slow it should be purposeful and meditative. That's spiritual work that bears fruit. Too often, though, I jsut find that a lot of time has passed while I was just thinknig or day dreaming or dragging something out and taking forever to finish and move on. Internet surfing is the main thing that I have a problem with that. I could save an hour or more each day by just checking things quickly, doing my thing, and not lingering. So little comes from the lingering! So very little! Blech...sick of it. Internet surfing is draining the life out of me. It's time for me to take it back.

I felt a bit lost over the last couple days, feeling a bit like I'm in a vacuum. There's more times when I'm choosing to not do what I usually do but my mind hasn't quite figured out how to do anything else yet so there's been a lot of moments of floating and thinking "now what?" I take that at a good sign. It means I'm pulling out and creating space for new activities. During the week I'm forced to be alone a lot so I have to figure out how to be productive alone. That's a challenge for me. I always veer towards escape. I think a good thing to do in those moments when I feel lost and clueless is to pick up a book and just start absorbing what's in it. I have resistance to that and often feel like I have to be in the mood and everything has to be right for to sit down with a book. That's got to end now because with this schedule and all this alone time, it either read a lot (which I truly need and want to do) or end up goofing off more than I should. Goals are forthcoming in this area.

And now for something completely different.....

The students in my most advanced class--all 3rd to 5th graders--think I look like Harry Potter with my glasses on. When i take them off, though, they're mortified, saying I transform into Voldemort! They always have this dramatic reaction whenever I take off my glasses! It's crazy to me! Can I really look that different? Hailey said it was a big difference. I know my eyes are a lot smaller in the glasses. Anyways today I took my glasses off for a moment for whatever reason and there was comment of course. One girl in particular, Lynn--a really brilliant and wonderful girl--doesn't like me to do it. She groaned and told me to put them back on. Later I was joking around and pulled them down on my nose and fake-scary peered at her with my real, apparently gargantuan, eyes. She put her head in her arms and i soon realized she was crying! I apologized to her and told her I didn't realize that it really was upsetting to her. I thought it was all good fun. I promised to never do it again and assured her I wasn't trying to scare her and I'm not a scary man. I've never even hit anybody! She suggested that I have them surgically attached to my head to remove the threat once and for all. I told her I'd consider it. Anyways, it was just a funny, crazy, yet also unsettling situation. The last thing I want is to be creepy!

So on to the new things I did today:

- Today was the second time in Korea that I bought vegetables and tofu and chopped them and cooked them and made a meal at home! It was the first time I did it just cooking for myself. I got leftovers too! There was basically no spices or anything so it wasn't exactly momma's home cookin', but it was a great start. I'm definitely doing more of that and will be setting a concrete goal for how much I do it every week.

- Today was the first time I listened to the amazing mix CD that Hailey gave me! I'm so in love with it! It's so awesome and moving and soulful, and it's diverse yet full of all kinds of music that I don't listen to much and new artists to me. I suddenly adore the Indigo Girls. Never even tried them before. Just assumed they weren't my thing. Assumption strikes again. All kinds of good spiritual and stirring and passionate and fun and energizing music. The songs and the dynamic of the whole mix is really filled with Hailey's spirit. It makes me feel closer to her and miss her more at the same time.

- Today was one of the first times in a while that I put the smack down on one of my classes and let them know who's boss. They're middle school kids who need it sometimes. I actually took this class over because they were driving one of the other teachers batty. They had been doing this thing of jabbering and coming up with consant distractions and being sluggish and recalcitrant for a while but today it got to be too much. I let them know who's in control of my classroom. It's me. I was nice afterward, though, and it felt like a step in the right direction. One the main problems with this group is that it's 8pm, they've been in school forever alrady that day, they're exhausted and their blood suger is bottoming out. Parents need to make sure their kids get fed before 9:30 or whatever! One way or another! It just infuriates me that these kids can't get any food in their bellies day after day! It's a tough life for them. Tough being a Korean teenager. Tough being Korean.

Anyways, that's a whole other ball of wax. Check ya later!

Newness

2008-09-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

Well I started off my last entry by saying that I was going to just write and not try to produce a major synthesis on the page. Turned out to be just as long as most of my posts! I don't feel pressure to express big ideas here, though, so it's all good. I just end up having a lot to say. Some of it seems like it would be good to read. Other stuff's a little more for me. Yep, that's ok.

Anyways, got some stuff on my mind. This last weekend was Chuseok, which is basically the Korean harvest festival. It ends up being almost exactly like Thanksgiving except Korean. I received an invitation from some friends, for which I am still grateful, to go with them for a trip to the country--way out in the country apparently--to a Buddhist temple. There would be some Chuseok celebration there, as well as lots of time to relax and chill. I think they were planning to study the Faith together some. Everyday would involve some time in the sauna and alone time just walking in the woods. Fresh air. Lots of stars at night (as opposed to zero here in Seoul.) It was also a chance for me to hang with Lex, my old friend who I knew before I got here but haven't been able to see much of since I got here, and get to know some other foreign friends better. So it was an ideal situation.

In the end, though, pretty much at the last minute, I decided not to go. At that moment, as great as it was it just seemed like another thing I needed to do. I wasn’t feeling joy at the thought of it. I also did NOT want to get up at 5:30 on Saturday morning to go catch the bus and ride on it for 5 or 6 hours or whatever after staying up late celebrating my friends birthday. So I didn’t go.

Why am I going on about this? I guess because what I wanted to do instead was stay home and have time to myself and do all these things I said I was going to do. Well I didn’t do most of the things I said I would do. I simply fell into the same rut I so often do when completely left to my own devices with no outside pressure. I surfed the internet, played computer games, watched movies, read a novel, annnnd….that’s about it. Yeah. At the end I definitely felt like I’de had a break but I felt just as worn out from it as rested. I felt so weary, like “so this is it?” This is what I do? This is my life? Just carry on like this?

Going to the Buddhist retreat would have been a more awesome thing to do, but I don’t regret not going. In the end I think this long weekend was useful. It was like a trip through all the things I do that I’m really tired of and ready in my heart to change. A tour through my vices and weaknesses. A chance to really look at them and how they arise and what they produce. It’s like all my weakness was a basket of peaches and I devoured every single one. I really tasted the fruit of my lame habits.

It also felt like it was right on time in this process I’ve been going through. After the first few months of Korea I was fully recovered from the divorce and the culture shock and able to start really living my life here. Then I started being truly active in the work of the Cause here and imbibing the spiritual juice from that. Then I went to the meditation retreat. During and after the retreat a new understanding and awareness of mindfulness in the present moment sprouted out and started growing in my mind. It was definitely a turning point for me. I was finally able to Be Here Now and feel the joy of that and make decisions coming out of that. Then things really turned on for me in serving the Cause and I found my way of engaging, of starting to give my all here. Then Hailey came back into my life from the brink of just letting each other go on into separate lives most likely. We started talking a lot and then spent a whole lot of time together for a week and a half here in Seoul. I really saw and felt and was deeply moved by her energy, her passion, her drive, her questing nature, her urge to create, experience, live! I realized that there’s not enough of that in me, that there used to be more. I think it kinda got tamped down steadily over time. I didn’t even realize how much the excitement had gone out of my life until it was rekindled by my friendship with Hailey.

I guess I have been through tough times of late, the kind of times that wear you down, make you stay in a shell without even knowing it. You feel enough stress and pain and the first priority becomes avoiding stress and pain! I guess that’s where I’ve been though I knew it not! I sure have felt a lot of stress and pain over the years, especially the last two. Oh man. But I witnessed a fire in Hailey that I recognized, a fire that has always burned in my heart, too weakly of late. It’s the fire of questing passion! The fire of the love of God! The blaze of attraction to Him as He appears in infinite manifestions of His beauty and power and wonder!

She saw that fire in me as it blazed more brightly in her presence and was attracted to it. Unfortunately that flame in me is fickle and much weaker than it should be. It should be a raging bonfire! It once was and can be again!

I feel a change inside. Now I know what’s been missing. Now I can begin to fill the hole, exercise the atrophied muscles. Other things have come together to make this next step possible. It’s all part of a process, a positive process of spiritual growth, and of healing it would seem. I’m ready to take action, to stoke the fire in my heart, to come out of my shell and sally forth on the ultimate quest, the quest to draw nearer to and live in the service of God! And what’s different now is that I can see that past ways I that I thought were on that path were really not actions but words and wispy thoughts. That’s the new thing! Seeing what is action on the path of God and what is not. It’s definitely part Be Here Now but it’s also just as much Sally Forth!

More soon on what Sally Forth! is to me and how I plan to act on it. One thing that feels like an important part of it is doing new things. Doing things I’ve never done before or doing things in a new way or even a new place. Newness! Freshness! Sally Forth! So I want to put down here the new things I do as I do them. here’s a few to start with.

- Today I put beautiful and profound things to look at up on the walls of my apartment for the first time.

- Today I lay down on the floor and listened to exquisite music on my headphones for a while, just relaxing and enjoying and doing nothing else, not even thinking. That was new and I realized as I was doing it that it was a concentrated dose of what I need after work. I’ve been whiling away the hours on the computer trying to get that kind of satisfaction from a terribly diluted source.

- Today I completely tidied up my apartment on a normal workday for the first time.

- Today I put an extension cord on my headphones so that I can listen to awesome music as loud as I like and with that nice headphone effect as go around the house and do stuff. First time for that and it was niiiice!

- Today I danced full on dance floor style to some sweet electronic . Not the first time for that but there haven’t been many. It was the first time, however, that I realized that I need to do that on a regular basis!

That’s it for today but that is JUST the beginning! I’m excited! More later!

Soul-Body Coordination

2008-09-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm going to to try to be a little less ambitious with my blog posts. I need to write--at least a little bit more--just to write and to express my thoughts through writing. Doesn't always need to be a big synthesis.

Really late now and I should be getting to bed, but I just felt that I've crossed over back into the world after two days of cutting myself off from it, so I wanted to make the connection.

Taking time off completely from everything is something I need to do every once in a while, if possible. The last 4 weeks have been busy and eventful. The last 2 weeks of them were mind-blowing. Hailey was up visiting Seoul for almost two weeks so that we could have a chance to get to know each other better.

She's in the difficult position of having gotten to know me late in the game after she'd already made hard and fast plans for school and a whole process of working toward her dream to be an art therapist. Our only options are for her to come back and put that off for however long being here for another year or so would require so that we can really explore our relationship OR for me to finish out my contract and do my best to meet up with her in Canada. That would mean getting a job up there and building a career as best I can in the circumstances. It's possible I could get a CELTA or something (intensive training for teaching ESL) and find some work teaching ESL up there. She'll be living in Montreal most likely. That's a pretty international city and there may be a demand for ESL teachers without Masters degrees. Then it could be more of that or getting things going for a Masters in Social Work. I starting to think I can add "teaching ESL" to list of things that I could be happy doing for a decade or more. The only other thing on that list right now is councelor/therapist. I had thought school teacher of the normal sort could be on it but I don't think that's my gig.

Just for fun, let's think of more things to put on that list. First to mind is making electronic music, stuff like Ulrich Schnauss or Boards of Canada or Autechre. One more thing I think I could be really good at. That one I think I could be REALLY good at but it takes time. My gosh that would be so fulfilling! Resistance...resistance. I think about creativity differently now. Just one of the many things I've learned from Hailey. Travel writing! That would be cool. Hailey has a friend, Peter, wonderful guy, who's working on that. What else? College professor. What subject? See that's where I start thinking, "Would I really want to read that much academia on one subject?" Maybe, maybe history.

You ever think about where you are now and wish you could use all you've learned to go back and do it all differently? I used to think those thoughts a lot. Still tempting, but not at all real. I've got 60 years left maybe, if I just die of old age.

One thing Hailey noticed about me that I don't remember other people commenting on is how much i think and talk about the afterlife. Not all the time but she saw that it's something that's on my mind and i relate a lot of things to it and kind of turn my mind to it at most opportunities. I hadn't thought about it much recently but it's totally true. Just a little perspective on the afterlife, learning what I've learned from Baha'u'llah, makes it so clear to me that everything relates back to it, everything gets its meaning from it. What's a baby in a womb without a world to be born into? Same thing goes for a life without a vision of eternal life, for me at least.

Trying to slide through this life while keeping my head up in those clouds isn't the way. Be Here Now has taught me some about that. Hailey taught me about it too. She's so alive! So active, so engaged, so driven to experience and create. I feel we're reaching towards the same goal, but she has some good ways of being that help her to keep going. She has a way of living that is very conducive to spiritual life. Pure heartedness, pure intention, backed up by determined, audacious, hungry, striving action!

That hasn't been easy for, that way of living. I must understand why. I do work and strive and really do a lot sometimes, but then I get tired. That probably means I don't have enough energy because I'm not physically healthy. I also get overwhelmed or distracted. I think a really big factor is goals though. People have more passion and drive when they're working towards goals. It gives them something to focus on. It enhances everything they do in pursuit of the goal, just being committed to that goal!

Fact is, I need more goals. I need any goals. There are things that are important to me. Baha'u'llah is so important to me. Serving His Cause is so very important to me. What are my goals in serving His Cause though? What am I working towards? Part of serving His Cause is to gain knowledge and insights? So what are my goals for that? I need energy for life and better health. What's my goal? Career must take root in my work and learning at some point. Even if I'm not certain if it's ESL or counceling and what circumstances will be, what my goal at this stage? I should be creating and making art of some sort--writing, drawing, music. As much as I've ignored it, it's still who I am, a creative, abstract thinking dreamer who longs to exist on a less material, more expressive, spiritual, fluid, creative plane. I think the word for that is artist. What's my goal?

Here's the fact that I'm looking at, staring me in the face right now: setting goals and working towards them is a good, fundamental function of life. It's something everyone should be doing in their lives. It's also an ability, something that get's better with practice and confidence. It can be a strength or a weakness.

For me it's a weakness, flat out. It's not something I grew up learning how to do, and I guess something I'm not as naturally as inclined to as many people. I've just kept on living, year after year, without really having to do it very much, without really having to learn it and develop that ability in myself.

So here I am, 32 years old, a good person, someone who enriches the lives of others and is a good but not great servant to them, a decent but not great teacher, a good but not great Baha'i. I do think people look at me and think, "Man, Daniel's so great! He's kind and helpful and spiritual and likes to talk about interesting things and has a good attitude. He's got a lot of good qualities. But something's missing, something's fuzzy, out of focus. What's missing in him?"

It's goals. Drive. Focus. Passion for something that's more than an idea or a vision. Purpose honed to a process of working towards a goal. I DO have a lot of passion, desire, love, longing! I cannot afford to mistake thought for action any longer though.

Hailey is so action packed. She's bursting, and it's a wonder to see! She likes me enough to be considering changing her plans to be near me, so I do have some things going for me it seems. I know I do. I have many good qualities. I bring good things into this world. Being with Hailey has taught me many things. Here's three big ones. 1) It's clear to me that she's giving and receiving the great benefits of a goal oriented, action oriented life. That's a life that simply brings out into reality more of the potential within. I love that in her and I need so much more of that in myself. 2) I have strong resistance in me to that kind of change, because it goes beneath the surface and messes with the established order, the ego king that doesn't wish for any reforms. 3) I have to start developing my ability to set and acheive goals from this moment forward or two things will happen. First, despite all the things she loves about me, Hailey won't be able to bear my floating through life and I'll have lost her. Aw hell naw! I am NOT letting that happen! Second, I'll just be lame and increasingly pathetic. It's not pathetic yet, but it's 100% lame. In just a year or so it will start becoming pathetic. Then I'm in BIG trouble. I must NOT let it get to that point!

We all have things we need to work on, things that we find, often around my age probably, that aren't where they should be. I think this is my biggie. Goals. It's all about goals for me. It's not too late, but I'm pushing it. I'm really pushing it.

It's hard to change! It's hard to change things in myself, my way of living, my daily routine, my way of thinking. It's hard to change things like setting and working diligently towards goals. Luckily it's simple. Fairly simple. It's definitely simple to just start. I can think of 5 things to set goals for right off the bat.
1. A jogging regimen.
2. A study regimen.
3. Creativity: writing, drawing, singing, dancing (don't want to say regimen.)
4. A cooking regimen.
5. A sleep regimen.

BAM! Of course, actual goals are more specific, so I need to work out the details.

I just realized....the next month or so is it. I've glimpsed the seriousness of my situation just in time! I have to do this now or there will be consequences.

I know when you;re in a relationship you can't be trying to change the person or looking for them to be someone they're not. I see that clearly, yet there is another side. Knowing that it will please the one you love and bring more harmony to the relationship is a powerful motivator for making deeper changes. Its happened many a time don't you think? Sure it's failed to happen many times too, but that's probably often when the person doesn't really want to make the change. I want to make this change in myself. I've felt this weakness in me for a long time and grown weary of the price I pay for it. When it's just me in the picture it's been tough to bring together the motivation and awareness and all the juice I need to work on this kind of thing and sustain my efforts. So tough that it hasn't really happened. Doing what it takes to be the man I need to be for the girl of my dreams, though, that's a whole different story! I really care about that and I'll do just about anything I can possibly do to be that man! That's not bad right? That's love! Love has transformed much worse men than me into much better men than me! So let its power drive me forward to new heights!

Just have to make sure I'm not getting ahead of the game. I also must be patient and open to what God gives me. It may not be what I desire, but everything from god is a precious gift. I must humbly accept His will.

Well, I've gotten some really good insights from this writing. I know they come from Thy Kingdom and the Concourse on High, Lord. Thank You! Time to go pray and live my life.

Gone

2008-08-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

Quiet mind
Freedom
Release grip
Quiet mind
Sliding
Foot will find ground
Find rest
Now
Questions and answers
Yesterday and tomorrow
Water I’m in
Drop down
Settle down
Universe is mooooooving
My Maker!
Here’s an instrument
On the ocean floor
No one can find it
But Thee!

Chipped Tooth Daniel

2008-08-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

Been a bit of time since the last entry. Can't say things have been terribly eventful since then...until this last Sunday! Saturday some folks got together at the Baha'i Center and studied some good Baha’i stuff. We got together again on Sunday for study and practice giving a brief presentation on the Faith. Then we went in different groups for home visits! A home visit is simply a few Baha’is going to someone’s home and talking about the Faith plus supporting the people there. Most of the time the folks are Baha’is, but not always. It’s the perfect thing for Baha’is who have been out of the loop for a while for whatever reason.

Anyways we went on the home visit and it was amazing. I went with So Jeong and Su Jeong, similar names and similarly radiant souls! We went to see a young woman who had embraced the Faith in Vancouver, Canada. She’s been back for 2 years but hasn’t been active in the community. She was so open with us about her story. I was impressed with how trusting she was and how she bared so much of her heart to us! I really LOVE that in people. Partly because I feel I am that way and want to be that way but most time people don’t have time or energy for it or something. Anyways, we talked for a while, getting to know each other and learning about her experiences and her spiritual needs. We prayed together and made a plan to have a devotional gathering at her house soon.

I’ve talked about the Faith a number of times since I’ve been here in Korea and had some good spiritual conversations. I guess since she’s already a Baha’i and because of her open heart I just felt the flow so much more and I really opened up and felt the spirit moving through me! Not sure the last time I’ve felt that way but it’s been too long! I realize now that the spirit of the Cause was moving through me and I was on a more spiritual level, not because of my own talents but because God works on that higher level and draws us up there when we strive to serve Him.

Anyways, something opened up a bit in me then. I feel more spiritual, more energized. I have been doing some of the Be Here Now stuff that I talked about in the last blog entry. I think that helps in serving the Cause a lot. Putting myself forward to serve the Cause has always stressed me out because of my fears about my own weakness, inadequacy, etc. and also other people’s lack of receptivity, not knowing how to go about it, etc. I feel less susceptible to all that now because, for one, I know it’s just negative self talk and doing the work of the Cause is of course bigger than me and not just putting together a lego jeep or something, so of course it tends to be overwhelming. Just do and do and flow and flow and let the ball roll down to the bottom and find rest. I also feel like the Now really is important to me and, for right now, I don’t need to concern myself with the future. there are so many things filling my present now that, if fully pursued, will change the whole scheme as far as plans go.

So, yeah, as I was saying…something opened up in me. I feel this vibration that I’ve felt at times before when I was serving the Cause and in a groove as a Baha’i. It’s funny because on Friday before the workshop and everything I was being my usual lazybones self but I guess I’ve been building up to this and was ready. So what is this vibration? I guess I can say it’s the spirit of the Cause. I can feel a bit of it flowing through me. I feel engaged. I feel the joy of serving Baha’u’llah! I know this is a fragile thing right now and I must nurture it and protect it and keep going forward. God has helped with that by giving me responsibilities for the coming weekend. I’m helping plan Common Ground, which is a discussion group that happens every other week at the Baha’i Center. It’s all in English and more indirectly about the Faith but a good way to connect to people and give them a chance to learn more about the Faith. I’m helping with a translation project earlier in the day. Before Common Ground I’m hanging out with a new friend who will hopefully come to the meeting. I’m even meeting with the Local Spiritual Assembly that day to reflect on the devotional gathering that I and a friend are in charge of. Sunday we’ll have the devotional at the house of the friend we visited. Friday I’m getting together to prepare everything for Common ground with my friend Carter, another American about my age. I’ve wanted to know him better for a while but it hadn’t quite happened. Now I feel like we’re becoming real friends.

The point of spewing all that is that I like being busy with all these things and I want to keep having weekends like this. Things won’t always be handed to me though, so i have to figure out how search out opportunities. one thing that will keep me busier starting in September is taking Korean classes! There are free classes given by a government sponsored institute, the Seoul Global Center, every Tues, and Thurs. from 10:30 am to 12:00 pm. Perfect for my schedule! They have different levels. Mine will be beginner I guess. I’m learning more on my own too. Be Here Now has opened me up to learning Korean and now that I’m starting I’m regaining my confidence and starting to think that the talent I had in learning Chinese will carry over to Korean. If I can find more chances to practice then I’m on my way. Language exchange is also a great way to share the teachings of Baha’u’llah as well.

Sharing the teachings of Baha’u’llah needs to become what my life is all about. The last veil clouding my vision of that truth has been lifted. Work is important. So are sleeping and eating and everything else. Of course those things mustn’t be overly compromised. If I do then I’m not really living a Baha’i life well and am diminished in my ability to share the spirit of the Faith with others. Of course I’ve got to get lots of those things, including sleeping, eating, and work up to spec. They’re on their way for sure.

I don’t even care anymore. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if people end up not wanting to be Baha’is or if I bark up numerous wrong trees. It doesn’t matter if it takes a long time to get a few results. That’s all the obvious surface stuff. God works in mysterious ways and He’s got a plan for Seoul. I don’t know what it is I don’t need to know. I also don’t need to know how long I’m going to be a part of it. I just know I’m part of it now and I am DARN lucky to be a part of any of God’s plans! I’m just going to keep moving forward at taking steps and letting the ball of my wild mind roll down to find the spot of rest.

Oh Lord please empty me of all vanity and complacency! Purify me from all my worn out idleness! Aid me to think not of myself at all! I know in my heart—and now in more of my mind—that all my concern for myself is only a cause of suffering for myself and others. Wean me from self Lord! Fill me with the spirit of Thy Cause! Help me to not fall back or to either side! Make me a hollow reed from which the pith of self has been blown! Share your healing message through me Lord! Make me able to communicate it, heart to heart!

On Monday I chipped my tooth. Just a little. It was totally stupid. I was trying to close a little metal ring that had been bent out of shape. I couldn’t get it to close that last little bit so I used my teeth. Now I have a prominent tooth that will be chipped for the rest of my life. I can see it very clearly when I look in the mirror but of course I’m looking for it. Not sure if others notice. I was infuriated with myself at first but now I don’t mind so much. The timing of it is interesting. When I look in the mirror I see a slightly different person, a person whose appearance is permanently altered. A different person. A humbler person. I felt a change in me on Sunday. It was the beginning of something that I hope will only keep growing and getting stronger. It was the beginning of a new me. The next day I chipped my tooth a bit and changed on the outside too. When I look in the mirror I want to see a new image, a new heart, a new mind, a new Daniel! A purer, humbler, more dedicated and passionate, more spiritual, more active, less-talk-more-action Daniel!

The old Daniel is gone. Chipped Tooth Daniel is here to stay.

Be Here Now

2008-07-30T07:29:00.000-07:00

First of all, reader, I appreciate you. Whether I know you or not, thank you for reading my words and wanting to look into my thoughts and feelings. I do realize that most blogs aren’t this personal and seem to be more focused on being an enjoyable read and/or a way of catching up with the stories of someone’s life. This blog is all in my head, a bit like me I guess. It’s good for me to put these thoughts down. I hope they are of some use to others or I wouldn’t put them out here. It’s the kind of blog I would love to read if I knew the person.

Anyways, you may or may not know that I attended a Vipassana meditation retreat recently. I’ve been telling everyone how excited I am to meditate and learn how to do it better and to experience the dynamite feelings of tranquility. Well, it was good but I ended up staying only 2 days instead of 10. Why? Well I had a different reaction to it this time. Both times before I felt it was absolutely the best thing I could do and no way should I leave. This time I just felt like I got some benefit from it and was ready to go after two days. They frown on that there, which I understand, and it is a bad idea for a new student to leave before the end.

I truly did learn some important things in those two days, two days of silence—outer silence. I had trouble quieting my mind but got better at it over time. It did feel quite clear, though, at times, and in those times I had some useful realizations. (Before I go I should say that the retreat was at a genuine temple out in the woods. Beautiful everything! Barebones facilities though. It was actually abandoned for three years because the man who built it went bankrupt in the process, so that’s the first time it’s been used in three years. They had to clear it of ghosts first!)

At these retreats (this being my third) the first 2.5 days are Anapana, the remaining are Vipassana. Anapana is simply awareness of breath, focusing on the in and out and sensation of breath and nothing else for prolonged periods of time. It develops the faculty of awareness or mindfulness. It helps you to “be here now.” Vipassana is also simple but not as much. Once you get into it, it consists of sweeping the body with your awareness, being aware of sensations as they arise and pass away. It’s deep and profound and intense.

Vipassana was the part I was excited about. I confess I wanted the altered state. However, the practice of Anapana really clicked for me. Of course I have to keep doing it to get it right. It was rare for me to be able to concentrate on my respiration for a full minute without following a train of thought. It was so simple and pure. The whole concept and feeling of BE HERE NOW was just so right for me! Long story short I realized that I got what I came for and wasn’t going to be able to commit mentally or physically (because it is definitely both!) to the extreme rigors of the course. I didn’t want rigor. I wanted to simply be present in the moment and start really living my life.

So I exited as gracefully as I could, but not before a real-deal old Buddhist monk asked me if I could please stop with the knuckle cracking. “It’s disturbing the other meditators,” he said very kindly. In hindsight I can’t believe I didn’t consider that in the stark silence of the meditation chamber, but I’m sure it had to do with distracting myself from the agony in my back and legs. (I knew that would be there and it didn’t drive me away. It just made it not a vacation.) So….sorry Mom and Dad! I guess I needed to hear it from a monk to really start thinking it may be time to wean myself of that fixation.

So where was I? Ah yes, Be Here Now. Lemme just copy/paste that. I’m probably going to write it a lot…..but pasting it wouldn’t be very Be Here Now would it? Oops! Just did it! I feel like I woke up juuuust a little bit more to how I can be more alive in the present moment. How I can actually experience life more and be happier and more peaceful simply from being aware of what’s happening. There’s a lot of beauty, a lot of grace. Life is rich. The moment is full. You could use anything as an example: looking into someone’s face, hearing children in the background, eating a peach, washing the dishes, taking a walk. It’s not that the content of those experiences is gonna dazzle me like the new Batman movie. My experience during those two days was that if I let go of expectation and….all the rest and just be there in that moment, taking in what He is providing at that moment, that, for me at least, it will be enough. It was enough in that environment. The environment, inner and outer, in my everyday life is not so hospitable to that state of mind, but I can change both, especially inside.

Actually, when I think of it, my life now is just fine for that, for being mindful. I’ve got a great chance to focus on that in my activities, and to do things that lend themselves to mindfulness, such as perhaps exercise and, well, lots of things: teaching, walking, studying the Faith, breathing meditation, chores. It threw me for a loop to feel this way, though, because when I start feeling in the moment I realize I’ve been going about living my life and making plans in a really skewed way. I’ve got to start over aaaagain. That’s how it goes though, for me at least. This time feels big though, like a synthesis of a lot of things. I won’t say that it’s anything. ACTION is something. These are just more words.

I’ll tell you what really throws me for a loop. It’s a loop inside a loop inside an Irish knot. When I calm down and clear my mind and settle into the present moment and just feel OK for long enough to get a little used to it, there’s something that happens to me. I didn’t see it clearly before but now I do. When I am at peace I am drained of all goals, dreams, aspirations, intentions, plans, machinations, etcetera! After a little peace I find myself back where I began. For example, this time, after this period of relaxation and letting go, releasing that grip, I found that I wasn’t excited about graduate school particularly. I didn’t feel the energy or drive—if that’s what it was—to go back to school and become a professional. I didn’t feel like I was on a path leading me to these goals I have a vision of. It was all blown away and I was just standing there, alive, breathing.

My first reaction to this was, “NOT AGAIN! OH I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I’ve dropped the ball again. Why can’t I maintain any motivation or goal long enough to make any progress? Same old Daniel! Wishy-washy waffling Charlie Brown. The cycle continues….now I’ll agonize over it more, weigh the pros and cons of this and that all over again. I disgust myself!” That was my first reaction. I’ve come to see this losing-hold-on-plans-and-goals-and-continuing-to-drift thing in me as a weakness, a sickness. I describe it, visualize it in negative terms, in terms of what it has cost me, of what I’ve lost, of how I’ve disappointed people, not realized my potential. “Coulda, shoulda, woulda” was my mantra for a long time. It’s still imprinted on my mind. Another mantra could be phrased, “There’s still time to make it right!”

Something clicked in my mind this time though! This time when it happened I saw it differently! During my meditation an amazing image came to me. I visualized myself like Sisyphus, pushing a great ball up an incline. The ball was as big as me and as round and smooth as a billiard ball. The ball was my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes and fears, the things I think about, focus on. It was my mind. I saw myself very clearly. I was pushing that ball dutifully up the incline toward somewhere. I said to myself, “Step aside…..and let the ball roll down and down, and let it roll around and wobble and finally find its place.” So I did. I stepped aside and let the ball go. It rolled down and, after a while, found its natural resting place. It was still. My mind was clear, clean, wide open, free. It was still, at rest in the present moment. The future and past were of no concern. I was at peace. The way forward was clear.

Then before I knew it I was rolling that great ball up the hill again! Again I stepped aside and let it roll down to find rest. And again and again. I believe I’ve found what meditation is to me, at this time in my life at least. It’s not a way to transcend mundane existence and find another level of experience, another way to perceive or live—an altered state. It’s about helping me to be content with normal life! When the ball is at rest I am not bored, not anxious, not lonely, not obsessive, not confused, not regretful, not caught in bad habits! I’m simply there…breathing, existing…alive in a body. The moment stands before me, each moment fresh and new.

In such a state my inclination is not to react or to follow some habit, neither is it to strive toward what I should be doing, what will “fix the problem.” In that moment there is no problem. There is only the feeling in me of being here now. Being me, Daniel. My heart responding to the wisdom that God has treasured in me. Simple, pure, joyful steps on the skipping, singing walk of life. In that moment I also have a feeling of being part of something greater than myself, something wonderful and incomprehensible, something I trust and I know that I must surrender myself to, like a simple plant choosing not revolt against nature but to be a harmonious, growing part of it. In that moment it is not an idea! It IS. Like the sun and moon and grass and mountains. It is.

In that state my inclination is to take that next step simply, joyfully, slowly, wisely. And then to take another. And another. And a lifetime of steps. Be Here Now. Live. Truly live your life Daniel! This is what my heart says to me in the silence and stillness. The future will take care of itself! The past is gone! The Kingdom of God is all around you and within you! It is closer than your life vein! Let the ball roll down…and roll around…and wobble…and rest. Be mindful. Be entirely present. Let all the impurities drain out of you. Drink in His presence. Practice virtue. Pass by all wrong doing as you would a shifting mirage. Allow yourself to love. Cease holding it back! Trust in Him! Rest in His palm.

For the first time in memory—literally!—I believe I’m starting to understand how to live my life in actual practice, not just theory. Beginning, only beginning to understand. It’s a beginning I must cherish like a newborn child. I must protect it and nourish and be mindful of it every day. I must cause it to flourish and not neglect it!

So what does that translate to in action? It means now is not the time to dwell on the past. I let it be past. Now is not the time to make plans for the future. Plans must stand on the solid ground of a mindful present. My ground is shaky—quaky! I must firm it up so much! I must make my present so much more solid and balanced before I build plans on it. So no plans. No graduate school. No counseling. No China. No career. Nothing of the sort. Only my life now—my life, which is like a wonderful garden pregnant with fruits and vegetables and flowers and herbs of all kinds, needing only to be tended, needing only a mindful gardener! Now is the time for me to be the mindful gardener of my life.

Before I became a Baha’i at age 17 I had searching for truth for a little while. It really started when I was 15 or 16. I had been exposed to spiritual writings and deep conversation for a while by that point but I started having nature experiences that really helped me to come out of the trance or whatever I had been in. I had a real moment of awakening on a hillside in the Olympic Mountains in the summer of ’92. At that time I started reading a book about Edgar Cayce. I don't remember anything about it but it was the first “spiritual” book I picked up and took with me and read through. Not long after, in this time of communing with nature, I read the Tao Te Ching. It opened something in me. It spoke to me in ways that touched me and it gave me the sense of perceiving truth in glimmers. It was the first book, I think, to do that for me. I responded to it. I felt like I was a Taoist. I resonated with the message. I wanted to practice that way of life. The Tao Te Ching helped me to open my heart and mind to walking a spiritual path in life, to living by principles, following a Way, seeking understanding and wisdom and wholeness.

In the years since, I really haven’t picked it up much. The few times I have I didn’t feel as open to it. Me and Lao Tzu weren’t seeing the same thing. I have a copy with me here. Thinking about all this I glanced at and thought, “Maybe there’s something in there for me.” I opened it up to a page on which was written the following:

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care.
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.

Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.

I was just amazed. I felt, at that moment, I was seeing what Lao Tzu saw. I felt that it was not just the old sage speaking, but my heart of hearts. I felt His presence in those words, He who knows my heart completely! He know that, like every soul, I am unique, I am special, and there is a unique path for me in this life that flows in accordance with His divine will as well as with my own individual nature. Like a stream winding its way from the spring, running naturally over the landscape, letting itself be directed, I have a way through this life, a way for me alone. A way that only He comprehends. I accept this. I am content to be this one stream. More than content! It is my bliss to be this stream. I will follow my bliss!

I don’t know what the future holds for me or for any of us. Living life now will prepare the way for living life then. I am alive in this world. I am the soul they call Daniel, and I am a stream of water. The way for me is clear. Now but one thing remains! To flow. And to flow. And to flow.

Go Time

2008-07-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. A reliable source of anxiety has me up and thinking: graduate school, preparation for it, shall I do it or not?, would I be accepted?, will I have to take more undergraduate courses?, for how long?

I had an amazing conversation with a friend tonight. She's pursuing her dream of becoming an art therapist. First she needs to get a significant number of psychology credits before she can apply for the graduate program at the school she want to study at. It all adds up to a four-year process. 2 years of undergraduate study and 2 years of Masters study. She just decided, "I'm going to do this. This is my dream. It's what I want to do, my calling, my bliss. This is what I have to do to get to the point where I have the degree and can set forth as a professional art therapist. It will take me four years, four years of learning and growing, accomplishing and working."

I'm not sure how much she agonized about this decision beforehand. I do know that this is a person who is a traveler, an artist, and abstract thinker, an "intuitive" as my mom would say. She's lived outside the bounds of the normal for a while. Now she's getting back into school, beginning a long-term process. She doesn't know what will happen after she gets the degree. She's not worried about it. She knows that, no matter what, this is the right use of her time and money. The knowledge and experience is worthwhile in and of itself. It's valuable because she loves what she's learning and doing. Of course when people love what they do it usually leads to success in that field. When people follow their calling good things happen.

It was so big for me hear her story. I can relate so much to her experience and I guess that's important to me. It's a bigger deal to me to see this commitment in someone who's lived abroad for many years teaching ESL, who's been attracted to that lifestyle and gotten a lot out of it,who isn't usually a big planner doing big things like this, and who has a passion for helping and connecting with others. I just saw a lot of myself and my own experience in her.

It was actually amazing. I can't remember ever hearing someone's story like that and it just mirroring my own in so many ways and just kind of laying out what I should do. This is the time I need to make a decision about going to China from here or going back to school, for however long that takes, and studying counseling, psychology, social work, whatever exactly will get to the point where I'm paid to talk to people about spiritual things.

My friends commitment really encourages me! Actually what affects me more is her reasons, her motivation. The traveling life just isn't giving her what she needs anymore. It's time shoot straight into the things back home that she's been avoiding. It's time to break through all the resistance and fear. It's time to learn how to do something she loves and become a professional. It's time to pursue her calling! She's not just thinking and saying these things. She's really doing it!

As I write this I feel like what I'm saying may seem obvious, like "Yeah, so she did the old thing and now she's doing the new thing. She's going to school so she can get the job she wants. No big revelations coming to me." It IS obvious. It's simple. It's just something I've had SO MUCH resistance to.

My friend told me something an author she likes wrote, that whatever we have the strongest resistance to is where we should head for. We should make it our compass. Go straight for the fearsome challenge! It makes sense! It's the most direct route to transformation and growth! My mom was telling me the same thing the other day.

Thinking about things that way gives me some fresh perspective. Going back home, probably taking more undergraduate psychology courses, then going to graduate school, and dealing with all the stresses of American life on top of it: this is the difficult path, no doubt. Going to China, probably Yunnan province, teaching ESL there, pioneering, just living: this is definitely the easy path.

It's not just about hard vs. easy though. It's about challenge and meaning. The path to becoming a counselor for me is like an epic quest compared to what I've been doing. It's years full of learning and growing, facing challenges and overcoming them, accomplishing things that I've been avoiding for years. It's gaining knowledge and synthesizing it all into something I can really use. It's gaining experience and understanding. It's expanding and breaking through barriers. It's going through everything I've feared and coming out on the other end a real professional! Able to pursue my calling. Paid to do what I love!

Counseling and psychology is something that I would not only love to do for work but that I would love to keep learning about, year after year. It can be a true passion for me, I know it, if only I pursue it! On the other hand, teaching is probably never going to a passion for me. I've pretty much already accepted that being a teacher in the States or at an international school is not for me. I can't bear it. I can handle and enjoy teaching ESL however. It's never going to be a passion though. It's not my calling. It what I do to live abroad, and I do my best to enjoy it and do a good job. It has its moments. It can be awesome, but decades more of it?! Not a happy prospect. I'm sure I would get burned out.

Work is not the only thing in life. I want a lot more out of life than just loving my work, but hey! Why not try it on for size eh? Why not see what loving my work and feeling passionate about it and actually genuinely interested in it FEELS like? Why not try it and see what happens? Certainly the whole process will not be wasted time and effort. If I decide counseling isn't my calling or whatever then do the next thing. Right now it's the best chance I have, the only vision I have, for following my bliss.

Yes, there's lots of bliss in living in China. It's cool learning Chinese. It's good being a pioneer. Teaching ESL can be kinda fun and easy and not stressful. Chinese people are great. It's a very simple life and there's lots of time for teaching the Faith and meditation and other good stuff. If I was totally egoless I might see it as the way to give the most service possible.

It feels a little too easy though. Not the right kind of challenge. Not enough learning. It feels kinda like more of the same. Another way of doing what I've already been doing. Graduate school feels like something completely new, totally challenging, stimulating. I feel like I need something new, something to breath life into me, to stimulate me and push me. I just don't know how much I would really benefit from the peaceful, simple life in China. I need to do something totally new! I have absolutely worn out this path! And I really want to know what it's like to be a counselor. I don't want to wait forever to find out.

It's just time. I need to face up to it. It seems impossible for me to feel 100% about this. There's always an alternative, always benefits of other paths. I just need to accept 90% or 80% and move on. It's time to take my life in a new direction, time to learn new things, face new challenges. It's time to face my fears and break through to the other side. Time to become an expert at something, to be really good at one thing, a professional. Time to go back to school and learn something that interests me! Time to work towards getting payed to talk with people about life and stuff.

Life is long. I can't just live like the whole thing's gonna fly by. It's wise to seek a profession that i can envision myself enjoying more over the years as opposed to one I become increasingly disenchanted with.

Gotta pray about this. Gotta take it deeper. And before too long--as in over the next few weeks--need to start taking action on it. Online courses, whatever I can do. It may be a four year process for me as well to get a masters degree. It's all good. Mustn't worry about the debt and the blah, blah, blah. Fact is that that kind of worry is what's been holding me back for so long. It's always something. Just do it! It's gonna cost money! I'll go into debt. Then I'll not be making a lot of money and have to figure out how to pay off the debt. Just accept it! I won't starve. I'll be alright. I actually believe that now after talking with my friend, my friend who's already begun the process that I must begin. She's doing and it's clearly right and good. I need to stop fretting and just do the next thing.

So now it's time to pray and sleep on it...and then, if it still feels right, it's GO TIME BABY!!!

What is Wrong?

2008-07-14T09:55:00.001-07:00

Here's something worthy of writing about on this blog, something to work out, something that needs a solution:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

Something is wrong. There can be no doubt. What is going ON? Why can't I sleep like a normal person EVER? Why can't I pull it together and take care of the basic elements of self-maintenance, namely feeding myself, without it being such a complicated chore? Why do I continue to wander through this life without any clear material, intellectual, or professional goals? Why is it so hard for me to get up and actually DO things? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by life? Why do I always feel this craving to escape? Why is my mind so overactive, so overstimulated? Why, after 32 years of earthy existence, do I still feel like I haven't gotten the hang of it? Why am I stuck in this place, imprisoned in my own mind?

How much longer is this going to go on? It will simply continue if I don't change it. I'll be this way for the rest of my life I don't do something about it. What is the way out of this?

A friend of mine is taking 3 different medications. One is an anti-depressant, another for ADD, and another for stress. I tell you what, if I could start that up right now I'd say OK, let's give it a shot. Part of me doesn't want to rely on medication and there have been times when I really didn't want to go that route. I've taken anti-depressants at different times but never worked closely with a professional to get it right. I don't think I ever took enough to affect me much.

I think before I might have thought 3 meds at once was overkill but now, heck let science take a shot. If I've got three different problems going on lets see what science can do about them. One thing I know for sure: something's not right in this brain of mine. I think too much and my thoughts are too intense. I think in circles way too much. I weave a web of thought that can be beautiful but...it doesn't seem to take me anywhere! My mental habit patterns make it hard for me to consistently apply myself in the world. My mind weaves its web around everything and drags it down. Sometimes I'm so far out in my own world that I make foolish decisions or careless oversights. I'm so engaged in this inner world, wrestling with this neurosis, that I have too little energy left to make my way in the real world of action, relationships, career, and service.

I think all the massive alone time I'm getting here in Korea is not helping things. I don't know. Thank God I'll be doing Vipassana meditation for 10 days, 10 hours a day, in a little over a week. Couldn't come at a better time.

A friend of mine has been feeling lots of stress. She's overstimulated because of things coming from external situations. She says all she wants to do is sit and watch the trees grow. That's how I feel. I want to sit by a river like Siddhartha and relax and be with no stress, no anxiety, no struggle. I want to learn from that river so much that God can teach me about what is true and real and pure and beautiful! About what is real and shared between us all, not wrapped up in the craziness in my head.

I've got to do something. Medication and therapy would be ideal next step but that's not happening here in Seoul. That also wouldn't happen if I chose to live in China, along with not being able to practice my ideal profession, counseling. Actually one of the reasons I've recently been so set on going back to settle in China is that I envision finding a place not super in the middle of the hubbub, with lots of natural beauty in the area, and good simple people. I have a vision of making a simple life for myself there as an English teacher, free from the hydra-headed troubles and stresses and complications that have dogged me in America.

The fact that I'm still debating this counseling and America life vs. teaching ESL and China life and still feel torn just makes me want to EXPLOOOOOODE! When am I going to pick something and ride it all the way and get my life going in some consistent direction? I hope this bouncing around and trying stuff out for years and years has been worth something. I hope I can see more value in it later than I can now.

I'm worried that a Masters in Social Work would end up getting me a counseling job that isn't what I expected and I'll be poor and jaded by a crappy system and feel like I'm not getting through to people and just banging my head against a wall. I'm also afraid I'll be rejected by graduate schools. It's been so long since I was in school, longer still since I was proud of myself as a student. I'm worried that the ways things went down with my last job at Goodwill will make things harder for me in the future, and I just feel rotten about it and don't want to deal with any potential consequences. I'm also just afraid of living in America! All the crap you gotta deal with!

I actually preferred living in China in many ways, and of course felt more useful there on a spiritual level. I would love to settle into life in China, the China vibe, outside of the big city. I'm just not sure I can teach for the rest of my life, be it ESL teaching or at an international school or whatever. If I choose to settle in China, teaching, as far as I can see, is IT for me. I've done a lot of teaching and related stuff over the years. Every job I've had that wasn't just grunt work was educational. I'm starting to feel tired of it. Teaching is stressful man! When I'm with the kids I'm on stage in the spotlight the whole time. I've got keep everything moving the whole time. It's like I'm the heart of the class. Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump! I'm ON full blast from start to finish. I'm orchestrating the talking and participation like a conductor. I'm keeping things moving forward at a good pace while not rushing on before they understand well enough. I'm listening and observing at the same time that I'm entertaining and keeping them involved. I'm trying to reel in kids that are tired or unmotivated. I'm trying not be too sensitive and hurt when students don't like what I do or are bored. I'm planning and getting everything ready so that I'll be able to direct the show nonstop for 50 minutes for another day.

I'm just not sure if I can go through decades of this. The thing is --amazingly!-- some people don't find all that so stressful! They actually thrive on all that stuff! They work well under pressure. They like being in control of the classroom and designing the lessons and explaining things and multitasking. Those people are called to be teachers. It just comes naturally to them. Now teaching ESL can be much less stressful than teaching middle school back home, but you still have to do all that teacher stuff if you're going to do a good job. And if you're not going to do a good job and just slide by, well that's another, worse, kind of misery.

Good Lord, what is it going to take for me to just apply to graduate school and get a frickin MSW and actually give myself a chance to have a 9-5 that I genuinely enjoy? I want to go back to China so bad but I just feel really worried that I'll get burned out on teaching but have no other option there! No better option.

I know counseling can be stressful too. Long hours sometimes, low pay most of the time. Not necessarily a lot of results you see in people's lives. Paperwork. Bureaucracy. Maybe not being able to spend enough time with people. Who knows what else? The fact remains, however, that this is a job in which what you do is you talk to individuals and small groups about important things, often spiritual matters (whether they see them that way or not) and help them to see things in a different light. You listen, deeply listen, listen to different levels, different aspects of what the person is communicating. You love, you care, you be trustworthy and kind and compassionate. You gently guide and suggest. You open doors and windows. You support. You focus on what's important. You find the truth with that person. You shed the light of insight on their thoughts. You connect with that person. And then they give you a paycheck!

To me that just sounds so different from teaching! Not that I haven't made connections with kids teaching and haven't felt good vibes and all that good stuff. All the stuff that stresses me out in teaching seems to not be there in counseling though, and all the things that I like about teaching seem to be extracted and amplified. Can I really just go on with my life, go live in China and deal with the ups and downs of teaching for years and years without seeing what it's like to be a counselor? It's funny, I've tried so much in life, done so much, but I keep avoiding even getting a taste of what it's like to do the one, single thing that is most likely my calling in this life. WHAT is that ABOUT? What is my damage?

If I pull it together and really become a counselor, perhaps I'll look back on all this time of wandering and wildness and see that in some important ways it prepared me to be a better counselor. maybe I'll even be able to look back and see that it made me a deeper, more spiritual person. Whatever happens, I want to be looking back on this period from another level and a new stage in my life. I want to be looking back from that new level very soon. Help me do it Lord! Please help me!

Meditation

2008-07-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

I went to Kyobo bookstore on Sunday. It’s kind of a mega-Barnes & Nobles. It has quite a nice selection of English books. I spent a long time there just looking through lots of different books. I recently started reading Siddhartha again and in 2 weeks I’ll be taking part in a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. Vipassana is a kind of Buddhist meditation technique. So meditation and spiritual readings were on my mind.

I really love just hanging out in the spiritual, philosophy, and religion sections and just chillin and reading bits from different books. I realized at Kyobo that that is a kind of meditation for me, a solace. It’s my happy place! I know this now because I realize it comes out of spending so much time sitting by Mom and Michael’s bookshelves growing up, sampling and drifting through their many spiritual books. I was so blessed to have those books around every day when I was growing up in middle school and high school. Just the fact that so many interesting books were there and available and I could relax and forget about all my troubles and sit on the carpet and leaf through them—that was so comforting! All was right with the world while I was doing that, no matter how troubled I was. There was every kind of awesome book there: different kinds of I Ching, extra-biblical Christian documents, Mayan prophecies, astrology, tarot, American Indian traditions, psychology, history, meditation, philosophy, science, and so much more!

I’m not sure if I ever read even half of any of those books, but nevertheless I feel now that they had a huge role in my life! Resting into words of meaning and depth, of power and beauty, feeling happy and comfortable in that place, opened up that side of life for me and taught me to appreciate beauty and wisdom and eloquence. They prepared me for my own spiritual journey. They opened my heart and mind to receive the Word of God. Those books are still there on those same bookshelves. It gives me a unique feeling of joy and peace to know that they are waiting for me there. Until then I can always go to Kyobo bookstore and drift through the sea of words.

I was very pleased to purchase The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, which I guess I forgot to bring. I also bought Aesop’s Fables, treasury of some of the greatest lessons (and some more mundane, but fun, stuff) taught through simple allegory. I got two books by Krishnamurti. One is something he wrote on meditation. Another is a transcription of many talks he gave in the Q & A format.

Krishnamurti wasn’t a big fan of organized religion but I realize I have to get past that kind of stuff because if I want everything I read to be in accord with the teachings of the Faith then Baha’i writings are all I’ll read. That just doesn’t cut it. I need to read more spiritual texts coming from other angles because the writings of the Faith don’t seem to be explicit about everything. Of course a lot is clearly covered but perhaps there’s just a lot that doesn’t need to be. God is allowing us to discover so much on our own, guided by His principles, knowing that He is the goal and the essence of the truth we seek. The whole realm of science is open to us and we can explore it infinitely. We can do this in peace and joy if we have the love of God in our hearts and strive to be obedient as we progress. So it is in all our endeavors in the material realm.

I think this also applies to the immaterial realm as well, the realm of mind. Experienced philosophers and meditators will testify that there is a whole world to explore that is not physical, yet is accessible to us before we pass out of our bodies. I think there are different levels. One is a level of structure and analysis. Pure mathematics and philosophy are valuable pursuits but there is nothing physical about them. They are composed purely of thought and comprehension. They employ symbols and formulas to make the concepts communicable (which is what language is in the first place!) and they strive for ever more perfect synthesis, but it’s all really abstraction, ideas, something going on in the brain and perhaps beyond! I think greater understanding of this part of life may make the harmony of science and religion much clearer because this is where logic and the mind begin to journey out in to the reaches—that is, all beyond the concrete--that not long ago most thought could only be alluded to through mystic symbology.

There’s another level beyond that, however, which is the level of pure awareness. From my understanding, experience on this level is free of thought and all that comes with it, which is just about everything! On this level, the mind is simply aware of what is. That may seem anticlimactic but the thing is: we don’t know what the truly open, clear, balanced, and aware mind is capable of! WHAT IS is surely more than we now comprehend right? So when one arrives at that state of awareness he or she sees what he knows, but not only does he see it from a very different perspective, now his capacity for awareness is freed from previous limitations so he will naturally be opened up to new understandings, new awareness, new….I don’t know what it is because I’ve only had the briefest taste of it. I got that taste through meditation and I know others have experienced this level of mind much more deeply and consistently than I have.

Meditation opened me up to that higher level, to the realization that it exists, and it also filled me with peace and joy once I had worked through all my resistance and agitation. The peace and joy were, I think, the result of my mind working in a way that it is capable of but seldom does. Meditation kinda changed my brain or something, or maybe how I used my brain.

So if joy and peace come from it and it has rules that you follow in practice and it takes you to this higher level, how come it’s not included in Divine Revelation? How come Baha’u’llah didn’t give us a meditation technique and all that? I think it’s because meditation, stripped of all dogma and tradition, is like science, like philosophy, just on another level. Or it’s like exercise and martial arts. It’s a totally rational, explainable thing that one can do to discipline his or her mind. It’s good for some people but maybe not for everyone. It’s not religion, so like science and everything, it must be guided by love of God and obedience to God and pursued by those attracted to it.

We live for a short while and then what we experience makes any kind of pure awareness we had here look like a daydream. What matters most is what we do and how we live. The world is in big trouble and there is no time to lose! I want to be of service. I long to be useful to Baha’u’llah and to His Cause! I’ve struggled with some things up to this present moment that I think meditation can help me with in a big way. I think I’m one of those people that needs to be a meditator, that needs to experience that higher level. There’s something in my mind that’s not content with less, that is constantly striving for that state of mind! I know I must exercise moderation and stay focused on action. I hope meditation can be for me a means of taking control of my life on a whole new level, of unlocking my potential! Firstly as a servant of Baha’u’llah and also as person in relation to others and as a worker. I hope it can be a means of existing in a state of being that will enable me to be wholly content with the long voyage of earthly life and all its ups and downs. I hope it can be a means of awakening.

YES!

2008-06-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

One thing I was thinking about Before Sunset was, okay these two people are obviously meant for each other. They fell madly in love 9 years ago but then lost track of each other. Now they come together and feel the same way but it’s been so long. There are so many what ifs! His marriage is loveless, but his relationship with his son is full of love! Can they get together or not? Is it even right? How could it be wrong? And again WHAT IF they had JUST exchanged contact information 9 years ago? (silent scream) How would their lives be different?

I just feel I can really relate to their situation. What if? And on the other end, here I am now, with my Beloved before me! Am I going to sulk about what could have been or embrace the fullness of life to come? They’re both 32 too! They can feel like things are doomed because they missed so much or they can begin the process of healing and coming together into an eternal, blissful union. They can be rash and repeat mistakes of their youth or they can use the wisdom they’ve earned so dearly to make this most precious dream a wholesome, praiseworthy reality!

I just think Before Sunset captures SO PERFECTLY the position that many people my age probably are in. I don’t really know but I just feel like early thirties for many of us is a time of catching out breath, stepping back and saying “Whoa! What just happened? What happened in my twenties and where am I now? Who have I become and where is my life headed? Is it what I want? Do I even know what I want? What I am going to do? This is the moment of truth! This is the crossroads! I learned a lot of hard lessons and had a ton of experiences in my twenties that led me to where I am now, but I’m still on my way. I haven’t arrived. This is that brief window where I have a chance to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going and to change my course so that it heads directly for my heart’s desire, to make many important adjustments to how I proceed based on the wisdom I’ve gained. This is my chance before I really arrive and have to dwell for some time in an existence that my heart cannot be at peace with!”

Or maybe I’ve just taken so long to get anywhere that I’ve arrived here late and most other folks have already arrived, for better or for worse. Either way, for me this is the time. If I don’t exercise in get in shape in the next several months, it’s just not gonna happen. Same for studying the Baha’i writings, applying to MSW programs, praying and reading the Scriptures morning and evening, getting proper sleep. If not now, when? This is my golden opportunity! I have a chance to achieve many victories here and then go back to Austin in a blaze of glory! Accepted to graduate school! Twenty pounds lighter! More learned in the Faith! Healthier! In a spiritual zone! Why not? It’s not magic. It’s simple cause and effect.

I co-hosted a new devotional today for the first time. It was awesome despite a few kinks. It feels good to be somewhat active. Anyways, in preparation for it I read some of The Seven Valleys, in particular the Valley of Love. He saith:

“In this city the heaven of ecstasy is upraised and the world-illuming sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason.

Now is the traveler unaware of himself, and of aught besides himself. He seeth neither ignorance nor knowledge, neither doubt nor certitude; he knoweth not the morn of guidance from the night of error. He fleeth both from unbelief and faith, and deadly poison is a balm to him. Wherefore Attar saith:

For the infidel, error -- for the faithful, faith;
For Attar's heart, an atom of Thy pain.”

I was thinking about how it is to be in the throes of new love, falling in love, being in love. How that felt for me, what I can understand from what I’ve seen in others. Yes, that’s how it is! It burns away all your reason! And all your reasons. It was like my mind was suddenly able to tear through all the veils and all the distractions and everything and my purpose, my desire, everything became clear! Just love her and bask in her love was my thought when I was in love with Kristen. Just love Baha’u’llah and bask in His love was my only thought when I was in love with Baha’u’llah. Nothing else mattered! Hah! Are you kidding! I don’t need reasons! I have no concern for doubt or certitude, unbelief or faith! I only long to be with my Beloved! That is ALL I care about! The rest I leave to whoever wants it. You can have all of it forever! I’ve got all I need and infinitely more!

To be IN that! To be really experiencing it and not just believing it. To be really feeling it and not just knowing it! In Before Sunset, Jesse and Celine have the priceless chance to renew their love, to fulfill their dreams, to be with their heart’s desire. They have a second chance at true love! That is not something to take lightly! Here I’ve been longing for a second chance at true love with a girl (not the same girl) when I’ve got a second chance at true love with Baha’u’llah! The former may take years to manifest, whereas the latter is ready! He saith:

“O MOVING FORM OF DUST!
I desire communion with thee, but thou wouldst put no trust in Me. The sword of thy rebellion hath felled the tree of thy hope. At all times I am near unto thee, but thou art ever far from Me. Imperishable glory I have chosen for thee, yet boundless shame thou hast chosen for thyself. While there is yet time, return, and lose not thy chance.”

Wow! That just says it all! First of all, I’m a stump of a tree, chopped down by my own rebellion. Not a hopeful image, yet He says there is still time! I still have a chance! Kristen is far from me, married with a kid. There’s no chance for that love. It’s gone. The only earthly love I’ve ever known is at all times a million miles away from me. Wow, that’s discouraging. I can feel that way about someone and then it just ends like that with no second chance? So this must be the ending between this servant and His Best Beloved. I turned my back on Him and then He began His inexorable drift into the far reaches of the galaxy. I am alone forever. WRONG! He is near to me, closer than my life vein. He is here with me. He is so close, so ready AT ALL TIMES. That means every single moment of every day of all my life.

Yet I do not trust Him. HE desires communion with ME? Wait, wait, He desires communion with me? Why? What can I possible have to offer that he would desire? I don’t know but I know it’s not a mistake. I know He really wants me back! What human being is even remotely that forgiving and selfless and loving! No one I can think of! And that’s just one set of qualities! He is superior to all others in every way! There’s not even the beginning of a comparison! I mean, a supermodel who is also a true saint has nothing on Him! NOTHING! No comparison! No supermodel saints are knocking on my door, much less desiring communion with me. But he desires communion with me! How many people in this life even care if I trust them? Very few think about that at all. He points to it as something of vital importance, a barrier between us! I can’t even remember the last time someone pointed out something that was holding us back from being closer to each other!

It’s true, I put no trust in Him! How do I trust Him? What do I do that’s based on trust? I don’t even trust that He’s really THERE! I “believe” in Him. SO WHAT! Yay, I believe. What does that mean? Did the martyrs believe? No, they trusted. They didn’t judge and weigh and then decide to believe, and keep judging and weighing and keep deciding to believe. They took a running jump off the cliff of trust in Him! They loved Him! They trusted that He would always return their love, that He would always be there for them! They flung themselves forward with no thought for themselves and trusted that he would guide them and direct their steps! Their hearts burned with love for Him and nothing else mattered! They were running to Him, flying to Him at all times!

He inhabited a body once, but no more. How can I be with Him then? Well, hey, why does being in a body have to be so important! He exists as He is! He is with me. Do I trust that He is? He loves me. Do I trust that He does? He desires for me return to Him, saying:

“O SON OF GLORY!
Be swift in the path of holiness, and enter the heaven of communion with Me. Cleanse thy heart with the burnish of the spirit, and hasten to the court of the Most High.”

Do I trust Him enough to set forth swiftly on the path of return?

Before Sunset

2008-06-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

I just saw Before Sunset for the first time. Whew! That is one wonderful film. I have always adored Before Sunrise and seeing Before Sunset, its sequel, cemented their place as the undisputed #1 and #2 in my Top 10 movies, interchangeably. Anyone who loves those movies and has not found the love of their life is feeling me right now. Those movies just bring all those feelings right out of me. I’ve never experienced any story or anything that captures being in love like that and how two people can just really be a perfect fit for each other.

I really want that, as do countless other human beings. I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I’m pretty starved for human contact. I mean, I get plenty of interaction at work with students and other teachers. Pretty much non-stop. But there’s very little depth to it. There are so many awesome, awesome kids there that I would love to get to know better and be friends with and be a mentor to and all that, but that’s probably not going to happen at all. They just zoom through my life every day. The teachers too. They’re all really nice and awesome, but it doesn’t seem like a deep friendship is developing there.

After work I just go back to my apartment and….write in my blog listening to Keith Jarret, among other things. Whatever I do at home I do alone. Getting out to see anyone on a weekday is tough because it’s often close to 10pm when I get home, and before work is the middle of most folks’ work day. So there’s the weekend. I could get out more than I do then. I have met and befriended some people but, except for one person, I haven’t really made a strong connection with anyone and gotten into many deeper conversations. It’s kind of seeing a few people at a few Baha’i events, but always different people showing up so I might see someone once a month or something. Plus just….developing close relationships doesn’t often happen quickly. In the meantime here I am, gazing into my computer screen yet again.

The fact that I’m communing with a blog at this moment instead of the love of my life does not sit well with me. It’s a test though. I have to learn to be patient about love! I mean I’m in a Year of patience for goodness sake! If I can’t see that I need to learn that lesson then I’m blind. But I do see. All my love relationships have been forced prematurely to deeper levels of intimacy by the vacuum of patience that existed in me at the time. That combined with other things doomed them.

Sometimes I worry that I’ve used up my all my chances at true love and I’m just going to have to wait this life out and experience those kinds of feelings (and much more) in the life to come. I mean it’s not like that hasn’t happened before! One of the things Celine said in Before Sunset is that when you’re young you feel sure that you’re going to meet many amazing people with whom you find a special connection. When that special connection happens to a young person they can easily take it for granted or be dissatisfied with it based on whatever ideals they have in their mind in the time or just plain mess it up. But the youth moves on, confident that bigger and brighter things await him or her. At a certain point, though, it seems life starts slowing down and it becomes harder to meet people and less people you meet have that energy that brings the life out in you and you start realizing that you may not meet a lot of people in this life that you have a profound connection with and with whom you can develop a deeper bond. It may be decades between such meetings. That point has come and gone for me and, like so many of the lessons I’ve learned, tempts me to dwell on what an abject fool I have been. Ignorant stupidity and stumbling drunken down the wrong path, and the agony that results in, just seem to be a part of life that is really hard to avoid though. I mean lots of people spend just about their whole lives in that state. Here I am reflecting on how I’ve been that way in the past and how I still am being a fool now. At least I’m aware of it! At least I’m trying to learn from it! That gives me hope.

I feel like an old man at 32. It’s just amazing how many experiences I’ve had! How many people I’ve known and places I’ve been and thoughts and feelings I’ve had. It’s like looking back on a whole lifetime. I’ve lived many lives already, yet there’s potentially twice that lifetime to come! I hope I live a long time, mainly because I don’t want other people to have to deal with grief about my sudden and unexpected death. It’s crazy to think about how someone can suddenly just be out of the picture completely. BOOM! They’re gone. And that could be me. Something could happen and all my plans suddenly turn to dust and I’m in the next world. It happens all the time. Of course I want out of this miserable life but I really could use a lot more time to grow and become a much better person. I have A LOT of growing to do. It’s kind of ridiculous. I talk a good talk but I have a lot to prove.

One thing I’ve started to realize is that I’m two different people. I’m one person with others and another alone. With others my better qualities tend to come out. I listen, I care, I want to serve them and make them happy. I see their goodness and appreciate the warmth of their souls. I feel more like a servant, a spiritual being in action with others.

When I’m alone, however, I feel like I’m either wanting to be with others in a meaningful way or I’m escaping from those feelings and many other painful feelings by playing computer games or watching movies or surfing the internet. I’m so driven to distraction. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling: I’ve experienced certain spiritual highs in life, levels of peace and joy and fulfillment and purposefulness. I long to feel those feelings again and have trouble bearing their absence. Escapism is just a drug though. The problem only gets worse.

I guess that’s one reason I would love to find the love of my life sooner rather than later. I respond so much to other people. When someone else is around and presents me, intentionally or not, with an opportunity to serve and connect, it always feels like just such a more straight and direct path to happiness and usefulness for me. So it would be great to have someone around that gave me that opportunity all the time. Imagine! Living with someone who I connect with on that deep level, who cares about those same deep spiritual things that are all that makes this life worth living to me, someone who is kind and soft spoken and pure hearted, who is a true lover of Baha’u’llah. Imagine having someone like that around to bring the best out of me all the time, a real person right there, a person who will respond to the kind of gifts I have to give, who will appreciate them! And then children around all the time who will respond even more and draw the best out of me even more! That really is a big part of it for me. The right kind of girl for me is someone who will help me to be that better version of myself all the time.

There’s no other feeling like being with someone, boy or girl, who truly is an intoxicated lover of Baha’ullah! Someone whose priorities and joys of life really truly are on a higher plane. I’m not talking about a saint, or even always someone who is living their life in a healthy way. I’m talking about someone whose heart longs for union with the Best Beloved, whose soul cries out for the freedom of nothingness before Him, whose eyes burn with search for any sign of Him in this dust heap of a world. I just want to find a woman who is truly, deeply in love with Baha’u’llah, who is kind and loving, whose inner heart is pure and full of longing, someone gentle and caring. She can have any interests she wants. She doesn’t have to be beautiful by societal standards, just basically pleasing to look at and listen to, y’know? She can be older than me even!

Somewhere in the Baha’i Writings it is said that as two lovers of God come closer to each other they come closer to God, so maybe that really is a way to draw nearer to Him! Maybe that really is a way to feel His presence more and experience the joy of His love and feel the warmth of His light more in the black abyss of nothingness that is the prison of self. Maybe that really is something that can help to lift me out of the prison and into the bright sky! But only if she is an intoxicated lover of Baha’u’llah. If not then we’re on a different subject and it’s not about any of this. It’s not about God or the spiritual realm. There isn’t that deep spiritual connection and sharing of love for Baha’u’llah, which is the most wonderful thing in life to share. In my life at least.

I won’t rush in again! I won’t settle for less than that level of spiritual connection! Even if I have to wait 10 years! Even if I have to wait until I cross the threshold of death! The challenge for me until then is to find a connection to God on my own, without much support from other at all. I guess that’s been my test. I’m the kind of person that thrives in giving and receiving support. That’s part of why I should be a counselor, which is a different subject. I have gotten lots of support from my parents and step-dad—and my brother when we’re together—especially in spiritual matters, but at the same time there’s so many things that a Baha’i who I don’t know very well can understand and relate to in my experience better than my family can. There are so many things about being a Baha’i that are extremely difficult and painful and trying and, for me, lonely. I wonder what it would be like to be raised in a family of devout Baha’is. My parents and siblings are all dedicated servants of Baha’u’llah. Any time I am feeling the challenges of this struggle for purity and obedience and concerted action and sacrifice I can go to them and confide in them and hear advice that comes out of the same devotion to Baha’u’llah that I feel, the same absolute commitment to God’s revealed plan that I feel deep in my heart. Would this journey feel so lonely then? Would that take some of the burden of my shoulders?

I have walked this path alone for too long. I mean the central principle of the Cause of God is unity! We’re not meant to do it alone! It’s not easy! We must strive to help each other all we can! I guess what I’m saying is I need help. I wasn’t willing to say that for so long because I felt like I should be the one giving help and that others must perceive me as strong in order for me to be of service, to be a leader. Well, I’ve been sufficiently humbled by now. Boy, am I humble. I am really, REALLY humble. Pride and vainglory definitely are not my primary weaknesses!

I can’t just go out and make a great marriage happen, and absolutely not for the next 2 months. Chances are I’m not going to suddenly have tons more support in my life here from friends. So if I don’t want to walk this path alone and I want to get the support I need I’m going to really have to reach out to the spiritual realm in ways that I haven’t for a long time. The last time I really was consistently linked with the spiritual world was when I was much younger and hadn’t been a Baha’i for very long and was a lot more innocent and pure. It kind of feels now like I was a child, full of the light of the Kingdom just naturally, without really trying, without fully knowing how or why. Now that innocence is gone forever and I’ve got to find my way back. i have to return to that secret and holy place as a man. It must be a conscious effort, it must involve a great deal of shedding of old ways, and lots of growing and lots of concerted and not easy or always pleasant work. I have to really, really want it! I have to work for it. If I try hard, if I seek His forgiveness and put myself at His mercy and open my heart to Him completely, I can still achieve the victory!

“O SON OF BEING!
My love is My stronghold; he that entereth therein is safe and secure, and he that turneth away shall surely stray and perish.” -- Baha’u’llah

If only I can find way into that stronghold again Lord I swear I’ll never leave again! Not even I could be such a fool! I’ve learned my lesson and I’m a wiser man. Unfortunately I’m a wise man stuck in the middle of dark wilderness. Help me find my way back to You Lord and I’ll never leave You again! And if the way back to that fortress could be a little easier and smoother that would be great but I’ll just do my part and whatever You give me is the essence of awesomeness! You are so wonderful God! I’m just glad that I believe in You and that I recognize Baha’u’llah and that, though I’m far away and in the dark, You have deposited in my heart the compass that will guide me every step of the way, all the way to very court of Your throne! Yes! Life is actually pretty awesome. When I think about what You have revealed to me about what life is really about and the vision that You’ve given me for my own life’s path and of Your plan for us all, I feel really grateful. REALLY grateful! Like WOW! How in the heck do I deserve this amazing privilege when so many others are lacking it! I have got SO MUCH work to do to even begin to fulfill the responsibilities that come with this privilege. Oh I need help! I can’t do this alone! Ah, I just want scream right now! I NEED HEEEEELP! THIS IS REALLY HARD! I’M WEAK! I can’t even do this at all! I’m a body, a brain, a personality, an ego, a collection of desires and fears. What You’re asking Lord, it’s just beyond me! I can’t even imagine it! Please just destroy me and all this I, Me, Mine! Sweep it away so your work can be done through this vessel! Help me do what it takes to make that happen! I certainly don’t, in my heart, want to keep all this stuff! All this self. Blech! Cleanse me of it! Wash it away, please! Wash it away. Man, I hope that really happens. Help me do my part Lord, I beseech Thee!

Lost and Found

2008-06-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

This morning (ahem, I mean afternoon) when I woke up I didn’t feel different or anything. As I started my walk to work, however, I felt something. I felt a little more open, a little lighter. As people walked by I looked at their expressions and though I didn’t know them I felt I could sense their being beneath the surface. I felt I was more sensitive to their souls. Just a little bit. Maybe it was the brightness of the sun, the crispness of the breeze, the vibrancy of the trees on the green mountain nearby. Maybe it was my imagination. It felt a little bit like I had just been meditating or doing yoga for a while. I still felt that way when I got to work. I forgot about it as I got busy though.

That’s the story of my life. A few minutes of heaven and weeks of…..sigh, I don’t know. A mixed bag. Earthly life. The jumble of the jungle. Decidely not soaring in the heavens. I know many other people feel the same way. Maybe millions. That’s one the many strange things about this life. The central purpose of existence here is to prepare us for the world to come, yet this world seems to have so little in common with the spiritual realm, sometimes I wonder how I can really learn what I need for the next life. All the things I long for are what the next world is made of. It doesn’t just have love in it. It is made of love. There isn’t just communion with God and closeness of souls and opening of our eyes to His beauty and drinking in the rivers of His wisdom and perfection. In that world God’s voice is on the wind and His face is in the sky. His beauty really is a fragrance on that wind and a thousand rainbows in that sky. His wisdom and perfection are the air we breath in deeply. His presence fills our being. We do not just love each other. We are one.

I’ve spent over 15 years longing for that. I guess I’ll spend about 60 more longing for it. The longing doesn’t seems to bring me closer to it. Can I feel any closer to God than I do? Can I feel close enough for this life to be bearable for the next many decades? I know the answer is yes. The answer has always been yes, but I haven’t been willing to do what it takes.

Something that really hurts me is that I felt happier in the past. There was a time—or times—when I was joyful, pure, even holy. His spirit was truly flowing through me and, looking back, I really feel He had accepted my commitment, confirmed my longing, and deigned to unleash the river of love and light—that one special, unique stream, issuing from His hidden springs and rushing towards His infinite ocean, reserved only for me, a path from Him to Him that could only be run by the waters of one soul, the soul of Daniel, every pebble of its bed a testament of our love, my love for Baha’u’llah, His love for me—a river that had been dammed in waiting for that time.

This is not my imagination. I know it in my soul to be true. I have felt His love and His presence. I was soaring in His heaven, drinking deeply of His gifts. It may sound corny, but once one has tasted this sweetness, nothing else will have any flavor for him for the rest of his days. After that melody, all else is silence. After that beauty, all else is flat and featureless. That is my life now and that is what it has been for many years—it feels like a lifetime—tasteless, soundless, featureless. Right about now you may be thinking, “Um, what you really need is anti-depressants!” If so, I’ll grant that whole side of things has great merit and must be considered. I feel strongly, however, that medication won’t solve this. When a lover betrays His best beloved and breaks his heart and hers, no treatment or anything else can cure him of the agony of regret and loneliness haunts him all his days! There is only one way for the thousand shattered pieces of his heart to be fused back together into true wholeness. His beloved must forgive him completely and open her heart again and, like a magnet, draw all those fragments to her heart until every last piece is gathered around it. Then, in the fire of her love, her lover’s heart will melt and join into one whole around hers. Then, at long last, he will find the love he lost and the peace he had forgotten.

This is the case with me (and I know I’m not alone!) Somehow, by some unfathomable mystery of His love, Baha’u’llah opened my eyes and led me to Him and embraced me. Somehow I managed to not screw it up immediately and experienced, for a few years, the bliss of pure dedication to Him. I was a gazelle in His meadow, a humble servant prostrate before His throne, a lover gazing into His eyes. His eyes filled me with peace. They filled me with joy. The caused me to brim over with a life-force that I can now barely remember, much less describe.

Then I screwed it all up. I broke His heart and exploded my own. In the years since I first turned my heart away from Him I have only found a few pieces. I will never find all my heart in the dust of this world. I have spent ten years searching for signs of pieces of my heart. Now I am tired. I feel old and worn. I feel like this world has swallowed me up and has been slowly digesting me for years. I find it hard, even when I have thoughts and feelings that direct me towards Him, to sustain my efforts. I get distracted. I feel like a man with Alzheimer’s who occasionally awakens from his sickness to remember his true self and his family and friends but then tragically slips back into oblivion.

It’s so hard to keep God in my heart and mind! Even as I was deep into writing this, thinking of nothing else, an alert popped up on my computer screen saying, “Your Windows license will expire in 14 days. Back up all your files and install any version of Windows.” What I have to buy Windows again? What the hell! No way! That’s like $200 or something! That can’t be right! Oh please let me not have to buy Windows again! Oy…anyways, where was I?

Where was I?

Who was I?

There seems to be no escape from the constant siege of pleasure and pain which is this life. It’s like trying to meditate when 100 people are outside banging on the walls of my room. No escape from all the bad habits I’ve developed. No escape from heedlessness and distraction. No escape from all these cravings and aversions. No escape from loneliness and remorse. I’m at the bottom of a well and the only way out is the way I came in. I can’t claw my way out. I’m trapped, imprisoned in the mesh of my own desires.

Baha’u’llah knows that this suffering comes to many of us in this life. He captures the experience of countless souls when He says:

“Ye are even as the bird which soareth, with the full force of its mighty wings and with complete and joyous confidence, through the immensity of the heavens, until, impelled to satisfy its hunger, it turneth longingly to the water and clay of the earth below it, and, having been entrapped in the mesh of its desire, findeth itself impotent to resume its flight to the realms whence it came. Powerless to shake off the burden weighing on its sullied wings, that bird, hitherto an inmate of the heavens, is now forced to seek a dwelling-place upon the dust.”

The first time I read these words of His, and the first time I ever read His words, I was reading a large, thick paperback copy of Gleanings of the Writings of Baha’u’llah. It was white with an Irish-looking green winding pattern on the front. It was water damaged from a flood. It was given to me by the Sepulveda family at the first fireside I ever went to, the first night I heard about the Faith, in early 1993. In the days and months to come I read voraciously from that heavenly book. I soaked it up like a sponge. I was so ready, though I hadn’t known it. I knew I was searching but I knew not for what. As the realization grew within me that I had found my heart’s desire, so grew my joy and zest for life! Finally, with the help of amazing, pure, wonderful Baha’i youth, I overcame my last lingering doubts and threw myself into Baha’u’llah’s arms! In the next several years I grew by leaps and bounds. I was still foolish and immature in many ways, and there were a few setbacks, but I felt Him with me! I felt urged on and guided by Him! I felt my longing to serve Him driving me and I heard His voice calling me! Many people in my life at that time sensed the spirit flowing through me and were drawn to it and benefitted from it, as is His intention.

Eventually I lost that copy of Gleanings. I don’t know how. Around that same time I started down a path that caused me to lose all the gifts that had been imparted to me by Him through that book. I didn’t realize my utter folly until it was too late and I was caught in the mesh of my own desires. I feel as if I’ve been struggling in that web ever since, sometimes freeing a limb, maybe two, but eventually giving up and settling back into the sticking strands, letting them wrap themselves around me in some new pattern.

Baha’u’llah knows my heart completely. He loves me completely. He forgives me completely. He is waiting to release the waters of the river of my destiny, flowing out of Him and into Him. His heart is open and, like a magnet, is exerting its powerful attractive force through all creation, seeking to gather all the fragments of my heart around His own. But my shattered heart is asleep and heeds not His call. My Best Beloved is calling me to return to Him! He is moving heaven and earth to bring me back into His arms! Yet I sleep.

I pray to Thee, O my Lord, and beseech Thee. Help me to awaken from this sleep! Whatever it takes, please shake me out of this trance! I beg Thee, aid me to be the embodiment of these words, spoken by the Tounge of Grandeur, my Best Beloved, and the Desire of all the worlds:

“I am he, O my Lord, that hath confessed to Thee the multitude of his evil doings, that hath acknowledged what no man hath acknowledged. I have made haste to attain unto the ocean of Thy forgiveness, and have sought shelter beneath the shadow of Thy most gracious favor. Grant, I beseech Thee, O Thou Who art the Everlasting King and the Sovereign Protector of all men, that I may be enabled to manifest that which shall cause the hearts and souls of men to soar in the limitless immensity of Thy love, and to commune with Thy Spirit. Strengthen me through the power of Thy sovereignty, that I may turn all created things towards the Day Spring of Thy Manifestation and the Source of Thy Revelation. Aid me, O my Lord, to surrender myself wholly to Thy Will, and to arise and serve Thee, for I cherish this earthly life for no other purpose than to compass the Tabernacle of Thy Revelation and the Seat of Thy Glory. Thou seest me, O my God, detached from all else but Thee, and humble and subservient to Thy Will. Deal with me as it beseemeth Thee, and as it befitteth Thy highness and great glory.”

Ya Baha’ul-Abha!

Review

2008-06-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think I need to review what life is about. (The following is not preaching, but rather my own attempt to crystallize my own beliefs.)

Let’s start with the big picture. God is the source of everything. God is the only thing that is actually real and absolute. He is independent. Everything else is derivative in some way. All creation comes from God. Why is there creation at all then if God has no need of it? Well, God created souls. The purpose of souls is to awaken to the truth, unfold to embrace the light of the spirit, and grow ever closer to God. Souls live forever. Forever is what happens after this life, because after we die our soul lives on for eternity. That eternity is the true purpose of our lives, the fulfillment of our existence. In the worlds to come we grow ever higher into His light, we worship Him and love Him, we mingle like atoms of light in an infinite sky. We cannot yet imagine that existence but it is the true life life, the real, actual existence to which this life is but a prelude.

So why not just step in front of a bus and get this (extremely) painful and drawn out prologue over with? Especially those of use that believe in that Kingdom to come, those of us that long to feel His presence, those of us that yearn to glide over the flowered fields of His endless love for all eternity? Why persist with this life?

Well, like it or not, it turns out this life is vitally important. Baha’u’llah introduced the metaphor of a child developing in his mother’s womb as an illustration of the purpose of this earthly existence. The child cannot yet imagine what lies beyond and cannot even understand how the qualities he is developing will be applied in the context of his coming existence. Still he absorbs and digests and transforms and grows rapidly. He develops material capacities which he will use in the material world. If he is properly cared for and develops in a healthy womb he will emerge into this earthly plane possessing all the capacities necessary for every victory on every level of earthly existence.

So this world is like a womb for our souls in which they develop in preparation for the life to come, acquiring spiritual capacities in place of the material. Unlike the child in the womb, however, we have free will. We are responsible for our own progress. We aren’t the source of it though. Like mirrors we can either reflect the light of God or turn away from it or cover our faces. The light, however, is one, and it is the source of all good, all joy and peace. It is air, water, food, and shelter. It is all we need and so much more! It is what our heart of hearts longs for! Once the light enters into us it energizes our being and causes us to grow and develop in a great diversity of ways, but the light is one.

The source of this light is Baha’u’llah. He is the Supreme Manifestation of God and God's Messenger to humanity for this day and age. He is God and He is God’s humble servant, as are all God’s Manifestations. Through the person of Baha’u’llah, through His life, through His words, through the system He established, through the radiance of His Eternal Being, the light of God shines on us in one pure and indivisible ray. Through Him the light of God is transmitted from the unreachable, the unimaginably lofty and exalted Source straight through infinite space to every single soul, every wisp of time that is the life of a soul on Earth. Only Baha’u’llah transmits the complete and flawless truth and Will of God for humanity in this Dispensation. He is the source of life for all mankind. His healing elixir is the only cure for the terminal disease of the spirit which afflicts us. His teachings and His laws are the path to peace and security for all mankind. Love of Him is the key to existence. Obedience to Him is the structure within which true life, the life of the spirit, may flourish. Service to Him is the conduit through which pure intention becomes spiritual action, transforming the servant and all he touches with his service. Longing for Him is the fire that burns away the veils of blindness and fries the sticking barnacles of worldy desire. Trust in Him and reliance upon Him is the soul’s impenetrable shield of protection from every storm and biting wasp and invisible virus of this age.

We are like plants. We must focus on our own growth, our own integrity, the depth and firmness of our roots, the loftiness and receptivity of our leaves and branches, the hardness of our bark, the fragrance of our blossoms. We must strain toward the light with all our might. We must focus all our energies on producing pure and heavenly fruits. We must strive to achieve a form that reflects His beauty, His grace, His glory.

God will take care of all the rest. He will shine the light of the Sun upon us. He will cause the clouds to rain down on us. He will give us earth to spread our roots in. He will protect us from all dangers. Above all, He has already, from eternity, established His glorious Kingdom. This is the world in which the growing trees of our souls are developing and being nurtured by Him. This is the true reality and it holds our true identity. The world of spirit is our true home. We are in it now, all of us, though some of us are oblivious. Even those of us that know of the spiritual reality only very rarely glimpse a flash of it.

All of this is true and it is happening right now! It is wonderful! How grateful I am to be awake and aware of the truth! How thankful I am to somehow have recognized Baha’u’llah! Alas, I am swimming in the dark waters of this world, trying to get through each day, trying to find my way. Writing this is an attempt to find my way, to fight back against the forces of entropy that dig and claw at me and drag me down ceaselessly! Something dark and restless lives in my heart and drives me every which way but into His open arms! Something in me loves this dust heap of a world and forgets the world of light. Something in me thirsts for the bitter wine of the mortal cup and spurns the ocean of His Presence. Something in me seeks to forage on the jungle floor instead of soaring high above the mountains.

‘Abdu’l-Baha stated very clearly that the soul is at any time either progressing or falling back. There is no in between. Oh, how high I could have soared by now! How I have failed! Failed! I feel as if I could dissolve into nothingness at the thought of my countless failures. So many opportunities wasted. So many souls I could have guided, but I did not. So many noble services I could have given. Instead I served my fleeting desires. Were it not for His mercy and forgiveness I would be rightly cast off as a stunted growth, bearing too little fruit of too low quality, decaying as much as it grows, diseased.

He is Most Merciful, however, and He is Ever-Forgiving. So now, at age 32, looking back on a life so far in which I have wandered far into the wilderness and failed to serve Him and earn the title: Baha’i, follower of Bah’u’llah, I have another chance. There is potentially 50 or 60 years of my life yet unlived. What will I do with it? All mystical questions and all understanding of the bigger picture of His Cause must be distilled down to this one question: what am I going to do with the time allotted to me?

That’s a question I have to take a closer look at than I have. I have to try to see it in a fresh way. I must not despair! I cannot settle for less than the straight path that leads to the ultimate victory! I will not! What is that path? What is it not? How can I walk it? What must I do? How do I start? How do I really walk that path in my daily life, in all the nitty-gritty and grind of this toilsome existence? What can I do to help myself along that I have not done enough of or have not done at all? How do I travel from this place of words and hopes to a place of action and accomplishment?

I must pray for the answer. I must pray even when I don’t want to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I’m feeling too distracted or too lazy or not in the mood to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I don’t know how to do it right or what exactly I’m doing, which is pretty much all of the time.

I must start somewhere and go from there.

When I Wake Up

2008-05-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

(Hey, I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago but then I deleted it a bit after I wrote it for some dumb reason. I just realized it was still on my "flog blog" on Facebook so I retrieved it from there. All is well again.)

Hi again friends. I'm fadin' out a bit here and that's a very good thing. I can't tell what a pain it has been lately to try to change my sleep schedule from total vampire (4am-1pm) to normal (12am-9am). I thought I had it and then I got all screwed up again. last night I slept through my alarm clock going off right next to me--all three levels of increasing frequency of beeps! It really screwed up some plans.

Can I just tell you that I am one horrible sleeper? I have NEVER as long as I can remember had a regular, consistent, healthy sleep schedule or the dietary equivalent. this has got to stop! but the eating thing, oh an that's tough here. i mean shopping for food is a pain. I'm getting, like, NO fresh vegetable from my current restaurant diet, so I gotta do something.

Anyways, what was on my mind was that moment when I wake up. Like many of you probably, I wake up and immediately go into some thought process, usually not important. Sometimes I'm just continuing from where i left off before I managed to slip through the cracks of my thoughts into sleep.

What I want to do is this: as soon as I realize I'm awake, immediately say a prayer, maybe this particular morning prayer I have memorized, and keep saying it until it's the first conscious thing I did of the day. The words of the prayer were the first words in my mind that day. the prayer was my first thought and my first action.

Being willing to do this and actually doing it would have a powerful affect on me I think. When I wake up and immediately grab hold of some thought about my life and things of the world that means I can't bear not to be attached to those things. it means I'm afraid to fall into Baha'u'llah's arms before I take a look down there to see where I'll be falling. It means I'm thinking about it, assessing it, making sure it's the thing I want to do, comparing it with other things. It means I'm doubting. It means I'm distracted and preoccupied. It means I don't really want to be with God.

All of this meaning just from not making prayer the very first thing I do? It's because that moment of decision lies right there at the beginning. Waking up is like being born in a way. It's coming out of nothingness or another life or something, coming out of a separation. In that first moment, before I have time to calculate and give myself the same old tired reasons why I do the things I do, why I continue on with my life as it is, I have a chance to just grab onto the cord of love and reliance and nothingness before God! If I grab on then and take firm hold and pray more and read the Word more and meditate more, maybe I'll be able to hold onto that cord all day!

I'm just asking myself these days: how much more do I have to suffer, how much more of this am I going to put myself through before I give up? I mean, there's no way I'm going back to oblivion and forgetting God, so until I really make my life all about Him I'm just stuck here in this limbo. I feel like I just need to make some leap inside me somewhere, my heart has to jump off a cliff with clouds below it. Attachment to things that never fail to bear worthless, worthless fruits! Subtle doubts and inertia that isn't always conscious holding me back, keeping my heart in this grey fog of nowhere. I, me, mine. All the attachments, all the opinions, all the desires, all the passing lusts, all the worries and anxieties, all the cravings and urges and habits and all that stuff. All of it! It's all BALONEY! I AM JUST SO SICK OF IT ALL!

I've got to pursue every opportunity to draw nearer to God, to feel His presence, to be animated by Him, and filled with His spirit. More than ever before, I find it the only thing that can give me any rest or happiness. All else is utter misery. I don't fear that darkness though, because i know I can put it behind me forever! Say a prayer for me please! That I will finally get over that hill that has been in my view for years and years! On the other side is a golden valley filled with fruits that will give me the ability to truly serve others and will fill my heart with peace!

I'm 32 years old and I have the opportunity to start my true life now! if I don't do it now I feel I may never do it. I really do. This time is very important to me. i have to transform my life. if I don't it really might never happen, or it might be another 10 years. If you ever will pray for me, please pray for me now!

Words, words, words

2008-05-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all. I actually posted a week ago but then deleted it. I guess I was thinking it was too much rambling or inner thoughts that others might not have interest in. I thought maybe I should streamline the blog a little bit to make it more interesting. Then I got an amazing email from a friend I haven’t heard from in ages responding to that post. It’s too late to retrieve the post though. Well, that taught me my lesson. I won’t deleting anything anymore.

Anyways, so…..the other week I saw a Korean guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Death Frequency Narcotic.” I just thought that was the most intense and dark phrase I had heard in a while. I don’t know if it’s a band name or a lucky jumble of words. There are lots of t-shirts here that say really random things. For example, I just bought a t-shirt that says “Look at the facts, multi holder.” There’s a picture of a pair of glasses below the caption. I like it.

Been spending a lot of time alone lately. I don’t mind it so much. I like being with people but I like being alone too. I would feel better if I were more productive, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been transferring my entire CD library to iTunes which is taking forever. It’s cool to see all my music laid out though and to have such easy access to it. iTunes has been good to me too. I’m subscribed to many cool podcasts, such as “A Baha’i Perspective,” in which the host interviews Baha’is from all different countries and walks of life (being in a foreign country makes me notice cool English phrases like “walks of life”) and another one that teaches me how to beat-box!

I’ve also discovered some new bands that have rocked my world. In fact, I’ve discovered a whole new genre that I love and just fits like a glove. It’s a type of rock music called “Shoegaze.” It’s generally kind of dark or somber but also full of depth and beauty and emotion. It’s characterized by many harmonious sounds coming together to form a “wall of sound.” It’s called shoegaze because the guitarists are concentrating so much or are so shy and introspective that they’re looking down the whole time they perform. The quintessential shoegaze band is My Bloody Valentine. I can’t believe I haven’t listened to them before. Their album “Loveless” is a revelation! It’s like swimming in sound, coming across beautiful, lonely, haunting mermaids and seeing blurry seascapes coming in and out of focus through the waves. I’ve also discovered another band, actually an artist, that makes me feel the same way. His name is M83 and his album “Saturday=Youth” is really just so wonderful. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve fallen in love with new albums—not just liked but fallen in love with.

I’ve also rediscovered artists I had been out of touch with. I’ve always loved the electronic music of Autechre but for 15 years I only had 3 albums. I just got a bunch more of their stuff and it’s A-MAZ-ing. I got my favorite from back in the day: KLF! (is gonna rock ya) I discovered Jack Johnson, who I love and, like everyone else, want to be. I also discovered The Verve. WOW! They are just so wonderful. I love The Verve!

There’s also cool radio stations on iTunes, like one that has awesome Drum ‘n Bass and another one that Lex turned me onto which is all actual recordings of radio broadcasts from the 1920s, commercials and all! I love that stuff!

Anyways, what else…I got an iPod shuffle, which is awesome. I got a sweet cell phone (finally.) Not that anyone calls me much yet, but not having much of a social life is par for the course at this point. I’m reading “Tuesdays With Morrie,” which is really awesome and spiritual. A coworker who is also very awesome and spiritual (and who I’ve shared the Faith with some and hope she wants to know and see more) gave it to me as a late birthday present.

Oh and tens of thousands of people in Sichuan province, China--where I used to live!—are mourning the loss of their beloved children and husbands and wives and parents and family members and friends. Tens of thousands of people in Myanmar are doing the same thing. And in Sudan. And in Iraq. Excuse me but DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! Have you seen the photos coming out from the earthquake zone? Well you should. We should all see the evidence of the suffering that is crushing and haunting millions of our fellow humans. We need to see the truth. This world is in trouble. We may see the peril more clearly during our lifetimes. Things are getting worse and they will continue to get worse until we can no longer bear it. This is the darkness before the dawn.

Nevertheless here I remain in my shell of comfort and self-absorption. Sometimes I want to burn away my soul in the fire of sacrifice and love, to be dust beneath the feet of others, to see and hear and feel only my Lord. Other times I just want to be left alone. What can be done about this weakness? It’s amazing to think of how the next world will be and how this world is. Is there any contrast between two things in this world that can allude to it? It seems entirely natural that I should wish to be quit of this world and to soar up into my true home, yet there are decades and decades to go. I wish the Kingdom for all of us, for all the victims of disaster and crime. But we must wait. We must do all we can while we are here. God has chosen to establish His Kingdom here on Earth as well, but it will not be accomplished through miracles. It is being built by people. People like me, especially me because, unlike most people, I recognize the Manifestation of God for this age: Baha’u’llah.

It’s an exciting opportunity but also an overwhelming one, and I usually feel the latter more than the former. It’s just annoying. My mind is annoying and my heart is annoying. I want to feel focused all the time but so often I just feel the need to retreat. I don’t know.

I was just checking out this book online. It’s called “The Sociopath Next Door.” A sociopath is basically a person who has absolutely no conscience. Maybe they never have. I’m not sure. Anyways, the author says that studies have shown that it is likely that 4% of Americans are sociopaths. That’s 1 in every 25! That is terrifying! It sure would explain a lot though. Can it really be that many, that many people in the world? I can’t understand it. If you have no conscience then how is your soul at all connected to your body? Not sure where I’m going with this. Just was pretty arresting.

I think I’ve drained my brain for now. Thanks for reading! Love you, whoever you are!

More Things I Like About Being in Korea

2008-05-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

- They wash your hair after they cut your hair here, so it washes away all the little cut hairs. Plus, a good haircut only costs $6. (So I had to tip the lady even though they don't expect tips anywhere here.)

- I can still watch Iron Man in a movie theater!

- Random kids offer conversation starters like "Where is the frog?"

- I'm about to have my first iPod. It'll come in real handy for jogging.

- I live alone. I just realized I've always lived alone in China or Korea, but never, ever in America. Weird, but it makes total sense.

- I'm going to have a cellphone soon. It will take good quality pictures, which will solve two problems. 1- I won't have to buy a camera. 2- When I want to take pictures I'll actually have a camera with me. I was the worst about never having my camera with me when I needed it. I also didn't own a camera for ages. Sometimes I wish there were more pictures to remind me of times past. There's almost nothing, not counting family photo albums. Ah well. I'll probably get to watch the whole movie of my life after i die, complete with what other people are thinking and feeling and how my actions rippled out into their lives and the lives of countless people I've never met.

- I've finally really discovered Skype and all its glories. Soon I'll have a web cam and that will highly rock. Can't wait to talk to my nephew and nieces with that! Who knows if I would have gotten around to that in the States.

- It's still way cool that I get to hang with Lex here after hanging with her at Bosch and Evergreen. I always wanted to hang with a friend from the States in a foreign country that we're both living in. Check that off the list.

- I don't have to worry about rent or a car. Plus, all my bills come out of my paycheck. I love it. I'll have to keep up with my pay-as-you-go cellphone and my credit card debt back home but that is it baby!!!

- I'm blogging again.

- My bed is sufficiently hard, something that was almost impossible in the States.

- I'm not hearing or talking about politics, sports, and other things that just cause me stress without giving me much in return, and which I don't have any real affect on.

- I have no TV!!!

- I just uninstalled all the computer games off my computer! If they're there I'll never stop playing them. If they're not I'll just do other things. I'm weird like that. Happens with food too.

- I can't understand a word of what's being said on advertisements, both written and spoken! It's a peaceful, easy feeling.

- I've been able to teach the Faith some already! I realized two things. 1-I'm out of practice. 2-I've got to teach myself more before I can teach much to others.

- There's a spicy, chewy snack here called Dokboki. It's delightfully chewy, quite spicy, and yummy tasty good! The kids are crazy about it, Actually everyone seems to love it. It's a traditional snack. Very Korean. It's basically these chewy pasta-like gobs of dough in a spicy, red sauce.

- I have lots of spare time and my job isn't stressful. I can just screw around in that time, OR I can do lots of productive things like prayer, reading Baha'u'llah's writings, meditating, exercising, studying Korean, reading other Baha'i writings, learning how to be a better teacher, keeping in touch with family, and much, much more!!!!

- I can get real bread right across the street from my work! (As long as I just want a baguette.)

- I'm slowly but surely figuring out this teaching thing. I think I like doing it this way, though the schedule can't be long term. I don't know if I'm really made for teaching back in the States, at least not normal teaching. Teaching ESL to Asian kids could really be my bag though. It's nice to feel that I may be on my career track, or at least that a career track exists in what I'm doing! I can just be doing it for a while and then decide I'm making it into a career. That feels more sustainable than most stuff I've done for work.

- God is with me wherever I go! Closer than my life-vein!

Missing China

2008-04-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

There's no question I'm happy to be in Korea right now. In Korea I can make enough money to pay off my debts and save some money. If I stay here two years I can save a lot of money by my standards. I also like my job and am liking it more and more. Loving it is a possibility. The 3-9pm schedule is annoying for reasons like not being able to go to Feast on weekdays, but it's also kinda awesome. Getting enough sleep is not going to be a problem for the first time in my life! I'm also making some good friends here and meeting sweet, loving people that I like being with.

Having said all that, I really miss China. I wasn't thinking about it but then I read an article a friend posted on Facebook about how the Chinese are searching for spiritual meaning more and more and how the society and even the government are opening up to that aspect of life. My love for China came flooding back. That's always the way it is. I don't think about it for a few weeks and then it just floods me. It's like remembering a past girlfriend that I never really got over or someone close to me who died.

I still feel like that sometimes, that my life in China died, that I died in some ways when I was ripped from my life there. Feelings of bitterness and regret still come up in my heart and pass away when I think about it.

Maybe I wouldn't miss China as much if America or Korea needed me as much. The fact is I was much more useful to the Faith there. In America I could speak the language and I was integrated into the community but it was just so damn hard to find waiting souls there. I guess I could find ways, though, in the long run. To be honest, in the last 1.5 years there I wasn't really trying. I was a little bit, um...preoccupied. So maybe things could be much different if I go back there to live.

As for Korea, well...it reminds me of hearing about communities in Africa that had been sorta "run" by pioneers for years and had recently developed to the point of being able to run all their own affairs. They didn't really need the pioneers anymore and, in fact, the pioneers were encouraged to let go and step into the background and let the locals take care of everything. They were ready to shine!

A week after I arrived here I went to a very moving reflection gathering in Seoul. They had experienced a lot of victories and confirmations in their last, and perhaps first, cycle of their Intensive Program of Growth. I got that feeling then--that the best thing I could do for this community is to let the Koreans take care of as much as possible. Of course I should still teach on my own and bring seekers to events, but if they can join a Korean-speaking study circle it's better. It may be difficult for me to start a study circle of my own because it will need to be in English, at least the discussion portion, but, y'know, we'll see.

So in Korea I'm not pioneering. I am not a pioneer. I'm just an American Baha'i living in Seoul who will teach the Faith as best he can and who will help the local community as best he can while still keeping my distance and letting them do their thing.

In China I was a pioneer. I was needed. I was in a place with amazingly high receptivity. Korea and America are remarkably similar in their mediocre receptivity and people who are committed to another religion already. In China people were hungry for spirituality and meaning! I would just meet people, get to know them a little bit, and they would join study circles like it was no big deal! Then their friends would join! I had many study circles going in China, really good ones. I was able to form new ones with little effort compared to the States. Korea seems to be the same as the States in this regard too: people are wrapped up in their lives, their hobbies, their passions--all wrapped up tightly in themselves--and it takes more to get them interested and into join a study circle.

China spoiled me and now I know what I'm missing. I don't know. I'm in Korea for the money, and that's a good reason to be here, but I'm having trouble seeing how I can be of much service to Faith here compared to China or even the States.

I see guys I knew in China marrying Chinese Baha'i girls and settling down there, building their lives there, living their dream, and feelings of envy and bitterness arise in my heart. They arise and pass away. I was so sure that that was going to be me! Everything was going in that direction. Just like those guys, I knew I wanted to pioneer in China. I felt deep inside that I was called to do just that. As long as I pursued that, everything else would fall into place.

Things were going that way. Then they came to a screeching halt, and before I knew what had happened I was wrapped up in American life, wrapped up in growing debt, wrapped in depression. I got lost in a dark maze and I should be grateful that I've found my way out and am building my life again. And I am.

Maybe all the suffering, all the bad luck, all the dashed dreams are a mercy from God. Me being a pioneer in China is nothing to Him compared to me being a consecrated servant of Baha'u'llah, tempered and purified in the fires of many tests.

I do feel like a different person now. I feel calmer, less interested in all the clamor of the world. I feel like I could just meditate on a flower for a long time, just be. I do feel more peaceful. A coworker today said that she feels peace coming from me and it calms her. That was a huge compliment. It also confirmed a bit what I had been feeling. I really do want the world less and God more now. Perhaps my experiences have made me weary of the world, as 'Abdu'l-Baha said tests were intended to do. I just have to let go and give myself to Baha'u'llah and forget about all my own desires. Let them all go! They're just a burden. Freedom and bliss is to be guided and moved by His will. Since I know that now and may be on that path, maybe things aren't so bad after all!

Things I Like About Korea

2008-04-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

- Banana-flavored milk
- Kimchi: spicy, pickled vegetables, most often cabbage
- Tons of spicy food!
- Ultra-cute Korean kids of all ages up 5 or so
- The dynamic, on-fire Korean Baha'i community
- My rockin' school
- The Korean written language, truly a thing of exquisite beauty and efficiency
- The activity in the streets: masses of people of all ages, lots of street vendors
- The plethora of little mom 'n pop shops
- The freshly made, relatively cheap food
- The little restaturant I'm always eating at and ordering from at work
- The fact that some of the people working there speak Chinese!!
- My awesome apartment on the 5th floor: it has a balcony that spans the whole
length of the apartment! That's standard here it seems.
- The fact that homes are heated from pipes under the floor here! So you can lie
down on a warm floor! Nothing like it! You can also dry clothes on it.
- The fact that Koreans always take off their shoes in homes and restaurants (not
little "diners")
- The bird-song-like sounds of children playing that comes into my apartment in the
mornings from the nearby elementary school. (It's great when I wake up but it's
not so great when it's the thing that wakes me up!
- My awesome bossIt's really all about the kindness. It's just so nice to have a
kind, loving boss who really cares about me!
- My students, with all their ups and downs. They're a bunch of good eggs!
- My helpful coworkers, Simon and Jennifer, who are very kind. Thery're good people
and they happen to be in a relationship together which makes things a little more
interesting.
- My sweet coworkers, 6 Korean women. They're funny and kind.
- My new friend Sujeong, a Korean Baha'i woman, who I've already become good friends
with! She did Vipassana too! The first person I've met that's also done it!
- My good, old friend Lex, who I've not lived around for ages. It's awesome to be
back in each other's lives!
- The fact that Korean people hardly jaywalk at all. I like that everybody-following-
the-rules thing. (Though it's probably more due to the fact that Korean drivers
drive fast and will run you over and keep on going.)
- Korean strawberries! The best ever!
- Korean flowers and blossoming trees!
- The awesome Korean subway system! It's a thing of beauty folks. I just SO LOVE not
having to deal with a car!!!
- Learning a new language! I think Korean will be easier than Chinese, partly
because the script is as easy to read as Chinese is difficult.
- The fact that I can get whatever Western food I want here if I really want it
pizza, ice cream, Dr. Pepper, just about anything) or I can totally avoid it.
- Studying Book 3 (Teaching Baha'i Children's Classes) with awesome Baha'is!
- Living in Korea!

Darn...

2008-04-11T06:24:00.000-07:00

I passed up a golden opportunity to teach the Faith tonight. I had been spending time with some coworkers out to dinner, etc. After a while the others left and it was just me and one of the Korean teachers from my work finishing off our drinks. We had talked about the Faith and religion a bit earlier in the evening. That was THE time to bring up spiritual matters again and just learn where she's coming from, what she's searching for, ar least just listen to her story if not discuss the Faith.

It didn't even occur to me! After all the spiritual thoughts in the blog last night, after talking to her about the Faith earlier and sensing receptivity I just chit chatted about this and that, it got a little quite and we picked up and left. Right after she turned to go her way I realized my folly. Dammit!

Knowing that I missed an opportunity at all is progress I guess. Who knows when or if we'll be in that situation again. I guess I just have to keep on going. Just do my best, be my best. I'm sure I've squandered countless opportunities just like that since I became a Baha'i in 1993! Most of them I either wasn't aware of or wasn't confident enough to sieze. So I guess spacing out and being in a selfish trance and then coming out of it and realizing that I wasn't thinking about Baha'u'llah or the other person's well-being is a part of coming out of the Big Trance that lasts all day long every day. A sign of real change is realizing that you're doing something that you had previously been oblivious of, right?

I don't remember the feeling being so potent before. I may have lost my chance to really help her in a huge way to grow and find her heart's desire! I may have more golden opportunities or I may not. Not one can be taken for granted. I hope this feeling is the beginning of embracing the responsiblity that comes with the great privelage I've been given.

Tomorrow I'll attend Common Ground, the local Baha'i fireside/discussion group that goes on every Saturday or so. That will be cool. Then on Sunday I'll start attending a Book 3 study circle. That's all about teaching Baha'i children's classes. Fits well for me since I'm working with kids. I really want to spend as much time as possible with the local Baha'is.

One thing I learned last Sunday at the relfection gathering is that in Korea I'm not pioneering, not at all. They got their own thing going on here, they have a Local Spiritual Assembly here in Seoul, they have an Intensive Program of Growth going on here, they have new believers coming into the community, they have older believers getting fired up and trained in the Ruhi process. They've got it going on, and they speak Korean. I don't, so I can't tutor study circles in Korean do anything in Korean. I also can't attend most Feasts because I don't get off work until 9pm.

Korea doesn't need me in the way that China needed me. That's totally cool of course, and that doesn't necessarily mean that Korea isn't a good place for me to be. I have to remember that I'm here for the money. If it weren't for that I'd be in Chine right now. The money might keep me here for 2 years though, and during that time I might learn a lot of Korean and then who knows.

Other things could come up to keep me here too. I'm no professional teacher here by any means but I could become one. The pay is enough to make a real living no doubt, though the 3-9pm schedule isn't really tenable once kids come into the picture, nor is it great for being in a relationship or having a normal life and going to Feast and all that. It definitely works for now though!

Wife and kids. I'm starting to feel more detached about love than I have in ages. Ever since I was in my first big relationship from 2000-03, I've been obsessed about getting into another one. I've gotten in and out of too many and experienced some really, really rocky times as a result of my blind craving for love. I'll never have peace until I just let the whole thing go and accept whatever God sends me. No wife for this life? OK. No kids? Cool, whatever you want, God! No sex? No problem. No cuddling? Who needs it. Really, these things are great, but the craving for them is just another part of the bigger problem of the trance of self. It's another craving, another fear, another dream not of God. Another path into the wilderness. Throwing off the shackles of this world is the only way to peace and joy and fulfillment. The longing for romance and companionship is just another shackle, one of the most dangerous and insidious traps of all in fact because it's mixed up with a lot of noble sentiments. So it's one of the very toughest ones to leave behind. It's the ultimate drug. And it's harder for me, too, since I have been madly in love and drunk deep of love. In end however, it has blindly inclined me to error.

So anyway I'm gonna keep working on all this stuff but in the midst of it all I need to rapidly progress as a teacher. Winging it will simply not do this time! That's a challenge for me because wingng it is basically how I've been living my life for...all my life. I need to come to class prepared! I need to recognize what my students need and give it to them! I need to teach them in such a way that they enjoy the lessons and progress in English. I face the challenge that I continue avoiding ceaselessly: to work hard so that I am prepared andeffective in my work. Failure is not an option this time.

One of the other foreign teachers at my school is a "real teacher." She's going to move on to teaching elementary school at an international school this summer. She's so good. Really amazing. I'm just amazed at people who apply themselves so well, so consistently, who become truly excellent in their work. SHe makes me look like chopped liver, which is good. I'm lucky to have such an example. She's super busy though so I hope she'll have time in the future to teach me more of her magic. A few of the kids in my more advanced class used to have her as a teacher and I feel a little sensative to them. It's obvious they had a transformative experience with her and I'm kind of chopped liver to them too. I can't let it get to me too much though because I'm new to this kind of teaching--China, subbing, and Goodwill were definitely warmups but not the same type of teaching at all in many ways--and she's been teaching in Korea at this kind of school for like 6 years.

I love teaching kids and teens and spending time with them. I am sensitive to the pressure on me as a teacher to teach well though. If I don't do well the student suffers. Anyways, I'm commited to improving every week. The next two weeks are the last of the term and then we start a new one, though I'm not sure exactly what that entails. So these next two weeks are my time to really pull everything together and get honed. I'm up to it.

Blogging Again

2008-04-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hello to all you wonderful souls reading this! (Quick note: everything before this post is 4 years old.) I hope this can be a way that I keep in touch with you, though I'm sure it will often ramble out into various dimensions that may or may not interest you. Depends on my mood (and what music I'm listening to while I'm writing!) Seems like most times I blog I'm in a kind of melancholy, lonely mood. The last time I was blogging very much people reading it thought I was depressed but I was just showing one side of life! Might be the same this time around so don't be alarmed! Anyway I hope to balance that stuff out with interesting down-to-earth, day-to-day stuff. This one's gonna be rambly. Rambliscious.

So on to what's on my mind now....which is: will I ever stop feeling like I'm drifting and floating through this life? I don't remember ever feeling like I belong here, like, "Oh, yeah, I'm human, I'm American, I'm this, I'm that, so let's get on with it!" It's been much more like, "Man, how much longer do I have to be in this body? How much longer do I have to keep doing all this stuff? How much longer do I have to keep feeding and clothing myself and working at jobs and running on these tracks?

Maybe that sounds lazy and that's definitely part of it. Laziness is a vice of mine. It's not that I don't want to do things to help other people and contribute to the whole and pull my weight and then some. I don't know. I just want to be free. I want to be in the next world so much. I wouldn't wish for death, partly because of the sadness it would cause and partly because I don't pretend to be ready at all.

I feel like I've been pushing at the walls of self ever since I knew they were there. Sometimes I break through and taste the sweet fragrance of His Presence all around me, but then I fall right back into my selfish oblivion. It's those moments of small victories that have given me hope that happinessis possible for me. All else but this is ashes! Baha'u'llah is not exaggerating when He says things like that! All the crap, crap, crap! He calls it "the world." Every satisfaction it provides might as well be the exact equivalent of getting stoned or something as far as I'm concerned. It all works when you're in a trance state, fixated on those cravings and aversions, trying to milk the teet of whatever you desire before it's empty once again. Then it's on to the next diversion.

Ok, so that's all well and good. Actually if I wan't a Baha'i that would be it because I would be a priest or monk or rabbi or mullah or whatever. I would just roll with that as far as it could take me. I guarantee I would have been a frickin' kick ASS priest or something! Of course it's good all clergy is abrogated for this Dispensation. Try as they might, clergy as a whole are just too human to take on the burden of being a link between the individual or community and the Divine Unity. Fuggetaboutit!!

Nevertheless that leaves people like me kinda stuck. Are there other Baha'is out there, I wonder, that have trouble finding there way because they're the guy or girl who would be priest or medicine man or whatever and there's just no need anymore for that role?

So is there any solution to longing to burst into flames of the spirit and fly free above the brilliant meadows of the Kingdom of Abha, spreading the sweet savors of His fragrance to all souls whose path I cross, dispersing in the wind, moved by His breath, scattering in the breeze until all traces of self have vanished forever? I mean as opposed to what, day after day, is continuing to not be that, i.e. this life?

Suicide is not the answer. It leads to an opposite result. Asceticism is not the answer. It can't be reconciled with the need for servants of God to serve humanity. We already ruled out priesthood. Living at the World Center? Nah, that's like trying to find a loophole. Baha'u'llah commands action, integration with humanity, tireless work to transmit His healing message to all peoples, a lifetime of the utmost effort to the extent of my capacity to do the glorious work of the Cause.

My feeling right now is YES! Wow what an unbelievable privelage that I will never be worthy of! While I still have time I must do all I can! YES!

But stuff keeps getting in the way, stuff lodged in various places inside me. It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Ugh! It's sickening! I'm so tired of it! 'Abdu'l-Baha said that one of the desired effects of tests and difficulties is to make us weary of this world and cause us to long for the Kingdom. I'm not sure if He was at all referring to the way I feel but I do feel weary of this world.

Ok, so how do you attain the Kingdom even if you want it? All I can think of is to give up. Give up my desires. Give up my hopes. My dreams. My loves. My opinions. My personality. My interests. My quirks. My mannerisms. My cravings. My likes. My dislikes. My deep desires. My hobbies. My plans. My pleasures. My pain. My past. My future. My self.

What good has all of that done me anyway? Nothing compared to what He has done for me. What good has all of that done for others in my life? Nothing compared to what He has done through me for others. My only glimmers of peace and joy have come when I was somehow able to free myself from all those things and....be with Him.

I remember this one time (I may have told you this story) when I had been meditating all day in a retreat back in the day. I went for a walk in a really meditative zone, really on a higher plane, at least a little. I swear I was able to perceive things being communicated that had been absolutely invisible before. In particular there was this one bird singing. That song! Words beyond language! I felt I was witnessing the power of God to speak to us through all things at all times, uniquely each time, unfathomably beautiful and profound and glorious! I felt like I had never opened my eyes before and I just flickered them open for a moment. I can never forget what I saw.

When I think of a lifetime of "living martyrdom," daily conquest of self and complete sacrifice of all for Baha'u'llah,it seems like an unbearable, toilsome journey. Too hard! Too long! Too much! But then when I think of the alternative--a life of more of the same vacillation, regret, confusion, and terrible remoteness from Him--I realize that that is the real hell.

Do you ever feel like you keep holding onto so many aspects of your self because you just are afraid to let go? Or because you know others think those aspects are vital? Or because you lack the imagination, the willingness to believe that you can live without these things? What will happen if you just let go? Why do you have to be "you"?

We've learned so much by now! Even those of us who are only in our early or mid-twenties have learned so much! We know so much, and I'm not just talking about Baha'is. How much do we know that we haven't acted on? How simple are so many things that we convince ourselves are complicated?

What if all the things that mystics have woven the most illuminated tapestries of elucidation on are all at our fingertips and all we have to do is reach out and sieze them? Sieze them and never let go? What if all we have to do is throw off EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING and take firm hold of the cord of His kindness? What if that's really all there is to it?

The Blessed Beauty spoke these words: "O SON OF MAN! If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

He states this so simply. These words are truth. They are not a roundabout interpretation of truth. They are Truth. This is not a metaphor for what He wants us to do. It's what He wants us do! Without delay! If He says it is that simple, it's that simple!

"If thou lovest Me..."

"If thou lovest Me..."

"If thou lovest Me..."

If I love Him. If I love Him. If I love Him.

I love Him. I love Him. I love Him.

I love Him! I love Him! I love Him!

Love Him. Love Him. Love Him.

Him. Him. Him.

Baha'u'llah. Baha'u'llah. Baha'u'llah.

Baha'u'llah! Baha'u'llah!

Baha'u'llah!

Nih!

2004-12-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

aah, don't feel like writing here lately, but i will later. sometime you'll randomly check back here and there will be lovely new things to read. sorry to dissappoint but you should know i am being creative. i've been drawing lately for the first time in a while. any time when i'm giving people gifts there's a chance i'll draw them a card. this Christmas i'm doing some of that. haven't drawn at all in forever. it's great. plus my mom has this one room set up as her studio. it's mostly taken up with stuff for making jewelry and clothes, etc. but there's a drawing table with all kinds of art supplies and two nice speakers from the stereo system. so i was feeling right at home, getting into the groove with the art. plus i was able to use my favorite art tool: watercolor pencils. those so rock!

so Christmas is coming. we do it white elephant style here. i get to give a present to my brother-in-law, which is fun because he's a "vocal" Republican, so i can tease him that i'm giving him a subscription to the Michael Moore fan club or something. actually, don't tell but i'm getting him John Stewart's "America (The Book)," which, if you haven't checked it out, is absolutely hysterical. i got my grandma too and she wants pajamas. can't fault her there. two folks got me and i'm going to ask for 1) a gift certificate to my favorite music store (cuz CD's are expensive!) and 2) the computer game i covet: "Pirates!" it's a remake of the 1987(!!!) classic by Sid Meir, who created Civilzation. i was obsessed with Pirates! back in the day. it's still one of the all time greats, and i mean top of the heap. now i get to play it again! i'm the luckiest man that ever lived! how many people get to say that their favorite game ever, way above all the rest, which they thought was obsolete and they would never play again, gets remade in this age of awesome graphics, etc. by the premier game designer? dream come true. but that's if it works on this laptop Michael got me to use for a while from the university he works at.

been cracking out on Civ III lately. i'm gonna go buy the expansion today for $20. it adds cool stuff like having slaves, being Mayan and sacrificing slaves, Fascism, etc., etc. when i go back to Oly to play the board game, though, that will be awesome. really got a hankerin' for that lately.

was reunited with a friend from back in the day in Austin when i first becaame a Baha'i and was really high on life. we had some really good times and were part of a whole group and time that i'll always be nostalgic about. now we're like "that was 11 years ago!" so we're gonna hang out tonight. that will be awesome. lots of catching up to do.

studying for the GRE. i think i'll do alright. i'm gonna go ahead and apply to grad school and forget about teaching. counceling is the thing for me and i need to just accept it and get on with it. even if the schools don't accept me, it's just one year. i'd make it in the next time around. got accepted to be a substitute teacher but that doesn't start till Jan.7, so i applied to some temp agencies. i'd like to go ahead and do some social work stuff but when i look at the job postings i never meet the qualifications. we'll see.

hope you're filled with Christmas spirit! (take any excuse to be a little happier!)

Getting Up to Date

2004-12-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

this seems a little new. i came to write in my blog simply because i have a desire to write, not becuase i have some particular stuff i want to express or vent or because i want to connect with people. i just want to write--put words on the page and see where they take me. that's actually not been a standard feeling for me at all for a long time. i've always known that writing is perhaps the most effective way for me to express my stuff and work through it and be creative but it always took something else on top of just writing to get me to do it. why is that? one thing i know is that i've always had this concern with doing things that have no result. it's one of those totally irrational anxieties that is also incredibly ironic considering the collosal amount of time i have spent doing things that are basically different ways of frittering away the day.

it's like this: i know i'm not doing enough to change the world and myself for the better, so if i spend much time just writing and being creative and that kind of thing i'll become invested in something that isn't a "service" or "important." so i'll turn away from that to more serious things like thinking about life, solving the riddle of the cosmos, going out to make a difference in some way. but i really want to be creative but push that down for now. but i don't know how to make a difference, how to change the world. but i must. well, i know what i have to do. i'm clearly just too weak to do it. there's something wrong with me. if only i could find it and root it out. in the meantime i'll save myself from total panic and perpetual anxiety attacks by escaping into games, sports, TV, and what have you. the world won't go away but it won't be solved. it's like a rubix cube that's wrapping itself around my mind, becoming more conviluted the more i grapple with it. i can't handle it! so i'll go smoke some pot. now i'm really a pathetic loser. look at me. i wish i was chopped liver. better not think about that. smoke some more pot. watch some more sports. play some more video games. the days are passing. i'm moving away from myself but once i've escaped i find myself standing in the mirror once again. no escape, none but the knife or gun. but forget that--not an option. clearly stuck in a hole now. what was i trying to get to in the first place. truth. goodness. virtue. greatness. lost my shot at those things. what's left? if i can't be worthy i can be sure to hide myself from the gaze of those who will surely see me for the utter failure that i am. but that's everyone that matters. oh i'm in a pickle now. take me away please, restart me, squish me into a blob and start again PLEASE! but God won't listen. i keep waking up every day. keep waking up, dammit. the road is too long, too treacherous, too tortuous, too confusing, and i am just too damn depressed. turn in to the safety, the forgiveness, the love, the hope of my lady, my girl, my baby. oops, i slipped up. now she's gone. gone forever. nothing o hold on to now. falling....falling...falling out of my reality and itno the realization that i am one depressed, imobilized crazy man that needs to get his frickin life together cuz it aint gonna get any better unless i make it better. well, i'm depressed wnough to take medication. start the Lexapro. that makes it better. my brain's back on side of the good guys. leave all this swampy mess behind. do something completely and utterly new and different. go to China! everything's new, exciting. clean slate fresh start. living, learning. look at everybody looking at me! i'm a celebrity. i'm tall. i'm worth something. but China isn't my home. i can't stay here, not now. now that i feel like i can really do something with my life, i've got some stuff to prove to me, hurdles to jump, levels to reach, dragons to vanquish, magic items to find and use. maybe someday that whole process can go on in China or wherever but i gotta go back to my home and make it HAPPEN. make what happen? i dunno. find a profession that i enjoy; engage in the process of mastering something; get paid with benefits; take care of myself in "real life" as opposed to foreign guest in China life; do the things, such as writing, etc., that i feel called to do; build a healthy, balanced life for myself.

that's the challenge right now. so what emaotion do i feel about it all? FEAR. i'm afraid i will fail, everyone will see that i have no clue what i'm doing, i'll go left when i should go right, i'll trip and fall on my face, and stand in front of the judges and forget everything i ever learned. not to mention the fear that i already met and blew it with the girl(s) of my dreams and i'll eventually just settle for less. i also feel curiosity though. where am i going exactly? what will it be like when i arrive? who will i meet along the way? how hard or easy will it be? will i become happy, content? will i experience tragedy, cataclysm? will i someday feel like i've come close to fulfilling my potential? will i be a father and a husband? if so will i do good job or will i screw it up?

the other big feeling is impatience. i want to know the answer to these questions NOW! forget that--i want the resolution to all of it immediately! i'm sick of waiting! day after day after day. let's do this already! to a large extent i have significant capacity to speed things along. that's why i came back from China early, that's why i'm going with this teaching certification program and for becoming a teacher pronto instead of grad school (besides the fact i was starting to feel very doubtful about neing accepted.)

there are some areas, hoever, where impatience just doesn't pay, namely that of falling in love, having a female companion, and all that good stuff. after Kristen and i went north and south i found i was no longer consituted the same as before i was in a relationship for three years (or was it forever?) i have a really hard time being just Daniel On His Own these days. it's been 1.5 years but i'm still ancy. i was really ancy before, so i went out nd got a girl. oops, she's not the girl i want to be with. too late, i shattered her heart. tried to pick up the pieces and help her put it back together, but she preferred me to make myself scarce. so i did. got into a relationship with another girl, so wonderful she was (and is.) thank heavens we're still frinds. she wasn't the one for me either, nor was China the place i could stay. so i went east and she went west. now i still find myself looking for a girlfriend and behaving like an idiot sometimes as a result. no question, that will be great but it's like a big camel that's decided to take a rest and simply will not be moved by any force on Earth. keep trying and the only reaction i get is a faceful of camel spit. that camel, she's a good camel, and i'm sure we'll journey over this desert together for a long time. but right now i just gotta accept that she's takin a chill pill and gotta do some other stuff. not that i think girls are like camels. girls are beautiful, too beautiful. i just have this urge to put lots of energy into a relationship. habit? it's something to guard against, even if i do meet someone with whom sparks fly and stars align. i've learned that even when everything is lined up wonderfully in the beginning, things can end up worse than i ever imagined they could, and it was largely because of mistakes i made that i have the opportunity to not repeat. and that is simply life.

i could go on and on but--oops, did that already, but it's MY blog and i'll ramble as much as i darn well please! yes! this is fun. i like it. feels good. not as good as cheap 1.5 hour massages in China though. gosh i miss those! the lack of massages is seriously something we have to work together to correct in this country. if Bush had been pro-massage it would have really thrown a stick in the spokes for me. bye

Pox Pout

2004-11-28T17:42:00.000-08:00

Got chickenpox. Writing this in Word, but let the damn self-correctness be. Don’t really want to be writing but don’t really want to be doing anything but lying on my bed, but don’t really want to be doing that. Sitting in any place for very long I start to feel the sand gathering over me. I’ll be a man-shaped dune. You can’t find me. No one can find anyone including themselves, but that’s normal. Not a depressing thought, just…trudging through that thought. Life is like following a treasure map that that leads you on vast quests with only clues at the end. Keep going. You’re almost somewhere worth being, you’re almost happy. Sounds self-absorbed high school blah.

So!? If I wrote poetry it would sound like high school crap. I’m no poet but, point is, some problems came up around then that still haven’t been solved. Same old subject matter. Is it all about happiness? If I was happy would I be writing, would I be in a trance riding chemical waves, hitching my soul to a butterfly, hoping it won't be eaten by a crow? When I don’t feel happy I wonder what it is and how to get it and keep it. When I feel happy its because I feel really close to someone. Most of the time that happens with a girl, sometimes with a guy, and every once in a while that Someone is God.

Right now I, um….don’t feel close—enough—to enough. Being cooped up in a house day after day, sweaty, scrungy, and…poxy (chicken style) well that gets old fast. I should be reading all the time. Read read read! Haven’t done that yet. Maybe no energy, maybe no attention span. Maybe some of both, more of the latter. Oh so sick of tv. Hate hate hate tv. Hate the tv. Kill it. It should be swallowed by the earth like Carey’s house at the end of the movie. With fire.

Oh, oh, oh….. I’m going over the stuff I’ve got going (nothing) and the stuff I’m planning (everything) and I’m like “that’s all good” and “I’ll be so busy with all that I won’t have time to sulk” and “don’t worry just do the next thing. The next thing. The next thing.

I’ll be a teacher…teaching kids. Will they let me do that? Oh boy, I know I can do a good job but will I? The whole things pretty nebulous right now. I guess a couple months from now if I’m actually teaching with a regular schedule and fitting everything else that’s important and necessary and fun in where I can, maybe my life will feel normal and structured and leading toward something tangible on earth. Maybe that will be good. Maybe that will be conducive to happiness.

Not to say I’m not stoked about he prospect of being a teacher, just very afraid of failure and rejection. And middle school kids. Petrified. Not really but man let’s get on with this and see what happens!! Transcripts go off in the mail tomorrow and I apply online with the fee, so then were off! They say within three weeks I can start hunting. But then it’s Christmas vacation. We’ll see. Good thing I didn’t get a holiday job yet. Woulda had it for a week and had to quit. You don’t call in sick for two weeks on a holiday job. But what’s left after this episode? Not money. Actually since you’re here reading this you clearly care, so I was wondering if for just a short while, I mean briefly, if I could just sorta borrow like, y’know, just…oh, never mind.

Music. I looooove music. I listened so much in China. Don’t know what I would have done without my trusty headphones and CD player. Without them on, I wouldn’t have picked up my butt and started writing tonight, that’s for certain. It definitely a night for keeping Massive Attack’s Protection on repeat. I love this Light My Fire rendition. Plus the title song.i just frikkin love Massive Attack.

I had the desire to reach out, connect, express. Putting words on the screen always seems to address that, fill something up inside. Damn lonely thing too. All this and there’s still just a screen in front of me, people watching TV in the background. Long road ahead. Where’s my hugs and kisses? Where’s my lullabies and sweet nothings whispered softly? Where’s my slow dancing and eye-swimming? I’m worthy! I can love with the best of them! There’s no length I won’t go to to make someone happy, when I know they want it, they’re quietly waiting, they want to love me in return. why can’t normal frienship, family bonds feel more like that? Why can’t we live like the happy aliens? Why is that desire so strong that all the other stuff about job and money and stuff and this and that—the whole rest of life!—just feel altogether like such a nondescript, utilitarian floor to stand on so that I have the chance to really live, which is to touch souls!? Why is that so hard to do? I’m really hungry for it these days. One way or another, that’s what what I’m looking for. And I don’t want a girlfriend out of it, thank you! At least not now. I just wanna go a little higher with someone else. sometimes this life is just too long. Can I move on to the next world now? That’s really what I’m looking for. It lasts forever, so aiming toward it is a good thing, but it offers such delayed gratification.

Times like this are for praying. Do it and it works. It makes it better. I’m gonna go do that. Pray. Seems like the best people that lived figured out that was the only way they could make it through this world. Praying all the time, in their ways. Haven’t tried that yet. sometimes i feel like reaching out to God is like being a diver stuck on the bottom pulling on the cord to give the signal "pull me up!". but the cord is wrapped around a big 'ol coral reef. you gotta keep pullin if you wanna get anywhere, but it's more to get unstuck than to really start raising your altitude.

Hello Again

2004-11-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

Hey yo, I’m back. Most of you reading this have heard a fair amount from me over the electrowaves but none of it has been inside the blogosphere. Well, I’m back to blogging. Guess that means I have to have things to talk about. Hmmmm…..

Well, this entry won’t be very ambitious, but I’ll get you up to date o a few things. I just got all the stuff that I need together, so tomorrow (I just forgot how to spell tomorrow. Bet that doesn’t happen with Spanish.) I’ll begin the process of application, etc. which will lead me, I hope, by early January to get a position as a middle school teacher somewhere round here. There are a number of openings even at this time of the year, so I just have to find the right one. The program I’ll be participating in is called “iteachtexas.” Basically, there are two parts to it. One is an online curriculum that must be completed within 6 months. The other is field experience as the “teacher of record.” So I get the internship stuff at the same time I’m being the teacher and getting paid with benefits! Sounds nice, huh? It feels right for me right now. The only downside is, of course, jumping into teaching without any experience as a teacher here. I did get some quality experience in China which will no doubt help me tons, but China’s a li’l different. Especially in the classroom. (why am I capitalizing so much? Oh, I’m doing this in Word and it’s doing it for me! That was weird.)

So anyways, I’ll be doing that instead of grad school. I wanna know what it’s likee to be a teacher before I jump headlong into something else. I got the feeling in China that I could really dig being a teacher long term, just not an oral English teacher in China. The interaction with the kids, being this consistent part of their life to whatever extent, the performance and comedy aspect, those appeal to me. Grading papers sucks though. But maybe it would suck less over time. Whatever happens, I’m stoked to try this out. I’ll probably end up teaching for a year and a half and then we’ll see.

Otherwise…..well, yesterday I was sick all day with a 102 degree fever. I slept all day. I was still kinda sick today and I slept all day. Plus I drank lotsa water and took some medicine. Now I’m doin fine. Just came outta nowhere.

We had our real Thanksgiving on Saturday because everyone was available. Tomorrow the actual day but it will only be mom, mike, me, grandma, and mike’s parents. Everyone else is spreading out here and there. My sister’s on call. She’s a doctor.

So that’s enough for now. I’m feelin pretty good, though I’ve been susceptible to the gloomy weather. Here and there I feel overwhelmed by life and not happy, but it passes, and I go back to feelin real good about the way things are goin! Talk to ya later.

Love,
dan

And it was gooood!

2004-09-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new creation, the blobular lifeform that is my.....blog. this is a genaration of such internetty, functional names of things isn't it? for instance, our President's official title is "The President of the United States," but the much more apt name for him is simply, "Dubya." while those two syllables do him justice, when i think of bearing all (or 85% of all of consequence) the word "blog" just doesn't encapsulate the whole endeavor for me. all of this is being said by Ace Ventura's butt by the way...

anyways, yeah so this is my blog. WELCOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!! it's a real kick if you read every fifth word. really. i put a lot of work into this..... (snicker)

well to begin with, i actually was raised in a barn. no, but i think i was born in a hot tub. that would explain a lot, especially my keen affinity for hot bubbling clhorinated water flowing all over me, consuming me, washing me clean of all sin----oh, oh, okay i'm back, i'm back. right now you're thinking, "I'm not sure i have time for this..." time is Deutchmarks, and Deutchmarks aaaare German.

so right now i'm battling the whispy willow man called Insomnia. his crafty roots have got me by the pinky toes and aren't letting go. (knew i should have had them surgically removed. hindsights 20/20 and all...) he keeps me up all night with those creaking limbs, and during the day he summons platoons of fuzzy bunnys to nuzzle me to sleep.

it all started when i woke up and said to myself, "Ugh." then i thought, "i could happily leave China right now. there's just not enough for me here right now. i've seen it i've done it i've tasted it i've certainly smelled it. and i've loved it, indeed. but i need to move on with my life.

and i've decided to do so: I WILL BE ACCEPTED TO GRADUATE SCHOOL POSTHASTE AND UPON THE PASSING OF TWO YEARS SHALL RECEIVE THE DEGREE OF MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK. with a concentration in counceling. i wanna be there for the young folks, basically anyone whose age starts with a "1," including, possibly 100 year-old people, but i don't know i could do for 1-year-olds, except hug them and squeeze them and call them my own! yes, my biological sun dial is... dialing. kids are the best to me right now, yet somehow...um...i can wait. when it happens though, it'll be gooooood!

so, yes, by November or January i'll be back in Texas, with some time in Washington i hope before i must scrounge up employment in Austin. i'll work on finding a groove, busting a move, got somethin ta prove, got a thorn in my hoof (that's pronounced hoove by some), but i'm going make some strides that will certainly behoove (ha haaaa!) me and hopefully lots of other people. say what you will of me, i've always longed to be a bright light in other people's lives, that is when i'm thinking about other people and not being totally self absorbed. and so we return to the title of my blog. (Monty Python? does that make it funnier?) i hope not to blather on ceaselessly on myself. though this is some nice therapy, i do want you to enjoy reading it! yet it seems a perilous affair to bring up other people and their lives here in more than passing. like gossip, which i despise. but my life is all wrapped up, thankfully, with others,' and i've few complaints about you (except that you all smell of wilderberry) so i'll find a way to gracefully make reference to your charms here. those are all i want to remember anyway, unless you start trying to sell me Cutco knives. then you've crossed the line!!! but like those blades my love for you all needs no sharpening. it only longs for use, so my highest hope(or on the top 5 list opf highest hopes) is that my chances for showing you love, and my success ratio for those times, ever increases. no joke! i love to be loved. the only thing better is to love. i'm growing up, slowly but surely (grad school! whoa...), i hope while i learn to be a man in other ways, i mainly learn to love. to live it, breath it, soak it in from man, nature, and Creator, and express it in such ways that will bring us spiraling closer together and higher and higher towards our Hearts' Desire. and if Kate Winslet is reading this, that means you to. my email is danieltaom@hotmail.com. i'm kinda hard to reach by phone. gimme a buzz.

a'ight all you crazies, lazies, hazies, and especially you rainbow daisys, i'm outta here, but i'll be back, and i'm bringin' fruit!!!

catch ya on the slip'n'slide