Chipped Tooth Daniel

Been a bit of time since the last entry. Can't say things have been terribly eventful since then...until this last Sunday! Saturday some folks got together at the Baha'i Center and studied some good Baha’i stuff. We got together again on Sunday for study and practice giving a brief presentation on the Faith. Then we went in different groups for home visits! A home visit is simply a few Baha’is going to someone’s home and talking about the Faith plus supporting the people there. Most of the time the folks are Baha’is, but not always. It’s the perfect thing for Baha’is who have been out of the loop for a while for whatever reason.

Anyways we went on the home visit and it was amazing. I went with So Jeong and Su Jeong, similar names and similarly radiant souls! We went to see a young woman who had embraced the Faith in Vancouver, Canada. She’s been back for 2 years but hasn’t been active in the community. She was so open with us about her story. I was impressed with how trusting she was and how she bared so much of her heart to us! I really LOVE that in people. Partly because I feel I am that way and want to be that way but most time people don’t have time or energy for it or something. Anyways, we talked for a while, getting to know each other and learning about her experiences and her spiritual needs. We prayed together and made a plan to have a devotional gathering at her house soon.

I’ve talked about the Faith a number of times since I’ve been here in Korea and had some good spiritual conversations. I guess since she’s already a Baha’i and because of her open heart I just felt the flow so much more and I really opened up and felt the spirit moving through me! Not sure the last time I’ve felt that way but it’s been too long! I realize now that the spirit of the Cause was moving through me and I was on a more spiritual level, not because of my own talents but because God works on that higher level and draws us up there when we strive to serve Him.

Anyways, something opened up a bit in me then. I feel more spiritual, more energized. I have been doing some of the Be Here Now stuff that I talked about in the last blog entry. I think that helps in serving the Cause a lot. Putting myself forward to serve the Cause has always stressed me out because of my fears about my own weakness, inadequacy, etc. and also other people’s lack of receptivity, not knowing how to go about it, etc. I feel less susceptible to all that now because, for one, I know it’s just negative self talk and doing the work of the Cause is of course bigger than me and not just putting together a lego jeep or something, so of course it tends to be overwhelming. Just do and do and flow and flow and let the ball roll down to the bottom and find rest. I also feel like the Now really is important to me and, for right now, I don’t need to concern myself with the future. there are so many things filling my present now that, if fully pursued, will change the whole scheme as far as plans go.

So, yeah, as I was saying…something opened up in me. I feel this vibration that I’ve felt at times before when I was serving the Cause and in a groove as a Baha’i. It’s funny because on Friday before the workshop and everything I was being my usual lazybones self but I guess I’ve been building up to this and was ready. So what is this vibration? I guess I can say it’s the spirit of the Cause. I can feel a bit of it flowing through me. I feel engaged. I feel the joy of serving Baha’u’llah! I know this is a fragile thing right now and I must nurture it and protect it and keep going forward. God has helped with that by giving me responsibilities for the coming weekend. I’m helping plan Common Ground, which is a discussion group that happens every other week at the Baha’i Center. It’s all in English and more indirectly about the Faith but a good way to connect to people and give them a chance to learn more about the Faith. I’m helping with a translation project earlier in the day. Before Common Ground I’m hanging out with a new friend who will hopefully come to the meeting. I’m even meeting with the Local Spiritual Assembly that day to reflect on the devotional gathering that I and a friend are in charge of. Sunday we’ll have the devotional at the house of the friend we visited. Friday I’m getting together to prepare everything for Common ground with my friend Carter, another American about my age. I’ve wanted to know him better for a while but it hadn’t quite happened. Now I feel like we’re becoming real friends.

The point of spewing all that is that I like being busy with all these things and I want to keep having weekends like this. Things won’t always be handed to me though, so i have to figure out how search out opportunities. one thing that will keep me busier starting in September is taking Korean classes! There are free classes given by a government sponsored institute, the Seoul Global Center, every Tues, and Thurs. from 10:30 am to 12:00 pm. Perfect for my schedule! They have different levels. Mine will be beginner I guess. I’m learning more on my own too. Be Here Now has opened me up to learning Korean and now that I’m starting I’m regaining my confidence and starting to think that the talent I had in learning Chinese will carry over to Korean. If I can find more chances to practice then I’m on my way. Language exchange is also a great way to share the teachings of Baha’u’llah as well.

Sharing the teachings of Baha’u’llah needs to become what my life is all about. The last veil clouding my vision of that truth has been lifted. Work is important. So are sleeping and eating and everything else. Of course those things mustn’t be overly compromised. If I do then I’m not really living a Baha’i life well and am diminished in my ability to share the spirit of the Faith with others. Of course I’ve got to get lots of those things, including sleeping, eating, and work up to spec. They’re on their way for sure.

I don’t even care anymore. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if people end up not wanting to be Baha’is or if I bark up numerous wrong trees. It doesn’t matter if it takes a long time to get a few results. That’s all the obvious surface stuff. God works in mysterious ways and He’s got a plan for Seoul. I don’t know what it is I don’t need to know. I also don’t need to know how long I’m going to be a part of it. I just know I’m part of it now and I am DARN lucky to be a part of any of God’s plans! I’m just going to keep moving forward at taking steps and letting the ball of my wild mind roll down to find the spot of rest.

Oh Lord please empty me of all vanity and complacency! Purify me from all my worn out idleness! Aid me to think not of myself at all! I know in my heart—and now in more of my mind—that all my concern for myself is only a cause of suffering for myself and others. Wean me from self Lord! Fill me with the spirit of Thy Cause! Help me to not fall back or to either side! Make me a hollow reed from which the pith of self has been blown! Share your healing message through me Lord! Make me able to communicate it, heart to heart!

On Monday I chipped my tooth. Just a little. It was totally stupid. I was trying to close a little metal ring that had been bent out of shape. I couldn’t get it to close that last little bit so I used my teeth. Now I have a prominent tooth that will be chipped for the rest of my life. I can see it very clearly when I look in the mirror but of course I’m looking for it. Not sure if others notice. I was infuriated with myself at first but now I don’t mind so much. The timing of it is interesting. When I look in the mirror I see a slightly different person, a person whose appearance is permanently altered. A different person. A humbler person. I felt a change in me on Sunday. It was the beginning of something that I hope will only keep growing and getting stronger. It was the beginning of a new me. The next day I chipped my tooth a bit and changed on the outside too. When I look in the mirror I want to see a new image, a new heart, a new mind, a new Daniel! A purer, humbler, more dedicated and passionate, more spiritual, more active, less-talk-more-action Daniel!

The old Daniel is gone. Chipped Tooth Daniel is here to stay.

Be Here Now

First of all, reader, I appreciate you. Whether I know you or not, thank you for reading my words and wanting to look into my thoughts and feelings. I do realize that most blogs aren’t this personal and seem to be more focused on being an enjoyable read and/or a way of catching up with the stories of someone’s life. This blog is all in my head, a bit like me I guess. It’s good for me to put these thoughts down. I hope they are of some use to others or I wouldn’t put them out here. It’s the kind of blog I would love to read if I knew the person.

Anyways, you may or may not know that I attended a Vipassana meditation retreat recently. I’ve been telling everyone how excited I am to meditate and learn how to do it better and to experience the dynamite feelings of tranquility. Well, it was good but I ended up staying only 2 days instead of 10. Why? Well I had a different reaction to it this time. Both times before I felt it was absolutely the best thing I could do and no way should I leave. This time I just felt like I got some benefit from it and was ready to go after two days. They frown on that there, which I understand, and it is a bad idea for a new student to leave before the end.

I truly did learn some important things in those two days, two days of silence—outer silence. I had trouble quieting my mind but got better at it over time. It did feel quite clear, though, at times, and in those times I had some useful realizations. (Before I go I should say that the retreat was at a genuine temple out in the woods. Beautiful everything! Barebones facilities though. It was actually abandoned for three years because the man who built it went bankrupt in the process, so that’s the first time it’s been used in three years. They had to clear it of ghosts first!)

At these retreats (this being my third) the first 2.5 days are Anapana, the remaining are Vipassana. Anapana is simply awareness of breath, focusing on the in and out and sensation of breath and nothing else for prolonged periods of time. It develops the faculty of awareness or mindfulness. It helps you to “be here now.” Vipassana is also simple but not as much. Once you get into it, it consists of sweeping the body with your awareness, being aware of sensations as they arise and pass away. It’s deep and profound and intense.

Vipassana was the part I was excited about. I confess I wanted the altered state. However, the practice of Anapana really clicked for me. Of course I have to keep doing it to get it right. It was rare for me to be able to concentrate on my respiration for a full minute without following a train of thought. It was so simple and pure. The whole concept and feeling of BE HERE NOW was just so right for me! Long story short I realized that I got what I came for and wasn’t going to be able to commit mentally or physically (because it is definitely both!) to the extreme rigors of the course. I didn’t want rigor. I wanted to simply be present in the moment and start really living my life.

So I exited as gracefully as I could, but not before a real-deal old Buddhist monk asked me if I could please stop with the knuckle cracking. “It’s disturbing the other meditators,” he said very kindly. In hindsight I can’t believe I didn’t consider that in the stark silence of the meditation chamber, but I’m sure it had to do with distracting myself from the agony in my back and legs. (I knew that would be there and it didn’t drive me away. It just made it not a vacation.) So….sorry Mom and Dad! I guess I needed to hear it from a monk to really start thinking it may be time to wean myself of that fixation.

So where was I? Ah yes, Be Here Now. Lemme just copy/paste that. I’m probably going to write it a lot…..but pasting it wouldn’t be very Be Here Now would it? Oops! Just did it! I feel like I woke up juuuust a little bit more to how I can be more alive in the present moment. How I can actually experience life more and be happier and more peaceful simply from being aware of what’s happening. There’s a lot of beauty, a lot of grace. Life is rich. The moment is full. You could use anything as an example: looking into someone’s face, hearing children in the background, eating a peach, washing the dishes, taking a walk. It’s not that the content of those experiences is gonna dazzle me like the new Batman movie. My experience during those two days was that if I let go of expectation and….all the rest and just be there in that moment, taking in what He is providing at that moment, that, for me at least, it will be enough. It was enough in that environment. The environment, inner and outer, in my everyday life is not so hospitable to that state of mind, but I can change both, especially inside.

Actually, when I think of it, my life now is just fine for that, for being mindful. I’ve got a great chance to focus on that in my activities, and to do things that lend themselves to mindfulness, such as perhaps exercise and, well, lots of things: teaching, walking, studying the Faith, breathing meditation, chores. It threw me for a loop to feel this way, though, because when I start feeling in the moment I realize I’ve been going about living my life and making plans in a really skewed way. I’ve got to start over aaaagain. That’s how it goes though, for me at least. This time feels big though, like a synthesis of a lot of things. I won’t say that it’s anything. ACTION is something. These are just more words.

I’ll tell you what really throws me for a loop. It’s a loop inside a loop inside an Irish knot. When I calm down and clear my mind and settle into the present moment and just feel OK for long enough to get a little used to it, there’s something that happens to me. I didn’t see it clearly before but now I do. When I am at peace I am drained of all goals, dreams, aspirations, intentions, plans, machinations, etcetera! After a little peace I find myself back where I began. For example, this time, after this period of relaxation and letting go, releasing that grip, I found that I wasn’t excited about graduate school particularly. I didn’t feel the energy or drive—if that’s what it was—to go back to school and become a professional. I didn’t feel like I was on a path leading me to these goals I have a vision of. It was all blown away and I was just standing there, alive, breathing.

My first reaction to this was, “NOT AGAIN! OH I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I’ve dropped the ball again. Why can’t I maintain any motivation or goal long enough to make any progress? Same old Daniel! Wishy-washy waffling Charlie Brown. The cycle continues….now I’ll agonize over it more, weigh the pros and cons of this and that all over again. I disgust myself!” That was my first reaction. I’ve come to see this losing-hold-on-plans-and-goals-and-continuing-to-drift thing in me as a weakness, a sickness. I describe it, visualize it in negative terms, in terms of what it has cost me, of what I’ve lost, of how I’ve disappointed people, not realized my potential. “Coulda, shoulda, woulda” was my mantra for a long time. It’s still imprinted on my mind. Another mantra could be phrased, “There’s still time to make it right!”

Something clicked in my mind this time though! This time when it happened I saw it differently! During my meditation an amazing image came to me. I visualized myself like Sisyphus, pushing a great ball up an incline. The ball was as big as me and as round and smooth as a billiard ball. The ball was my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes and fears, the things I think about, focus on. It was my mind. I saw myself very clearly. I was pushing that ball dutifully up the incline toward somewhere. I said to myself, “Step aside…..and let the ball roll down and down, and let it roll around and wobble and finally find its place.” So I did. I stepped aside and let the ball go. It rolled down and, after a while, found its natural resting place. It was still. My mind was clear, clean, wide open, free. It was still, at rest in the present moment. The future and past were of no concern. I was at peace. The way forward was clear.

Then before I knew it I was rolling that great ball up the hill again! Again I stepped aside and let it roll down to find rest. And again and again. I believe I’ve found what meditation is to me, at this time in my life at least. It’s not a way to transcend mundane existence and find another level of experience, another way to perceive or live—an altered state. It’s about helping me to be content with normal life! When the ball is at rest I am not bored, not anxious, not lonely, not obsessive, not confused, not regretful, not caught in bad habits! I’m simply there…breathing, existing…alive in a body. The moment stands before me, each moment fresh and new.

In such a state my inclination is not to react or to follow some habit, neither is it to strive toward what I should be doing, what will “fix the problem.” In that moment there is no problem. There is only the feeling in me of being here now. Being me, Daniel. My heart responding to the wisdom that God has treasured in me. Simple, pure, joyful steps on the skipping, singing walk of life. In that moment I also have a feeling of being part of something greater than myself, something wonderful and incomprehensible, something I trust and I know that I must surrender myself to, like a simple plant choosing not revolt against nature but to be a harmonious, growing part of it. In that moment it is not an idea! It IS. Like the sun and moon and grass and mountains. It is.

In that state my inclination is to take that next step simply, joyfully, slowly, wisely. And then to take another. And another. And a lifetime of steps. Be Here Now. Live. Truly live your life Daniel! This is what my heart says to me in the silence and stillness. The future will take care of itself! The past is gone! The Kingdom of God is all around you and within you! It is closer than your life vein! Let the ball roll down…and roll around…and wobble…and rest. Be mindful. Be entirely present. Let all the impurities drain out of you. Drink in His presence. Practice virtue. Pass by all wrong doing as you would a shifting mirage. Allow yourself to love. Cease holding it back! Trust in Him! Rest in His palm.

For the first time in memory—literally!—I believe I’m starting to understand how to live my life in actual practice, not just theory. Beginning, only beginning to understand. It’s a beginning I must cherish like a newborn child. I must protect it and nourish and be mindful of it every day. I must cause it to flourish and not neglect it!

So what does that translate to in action? It means now is not the time to dwell on the past. I let it be past. Now is not the time to make plans for the future. Plans must stand on the solid ground of a mindful present. My ground is shaky—quaky! I must firm it up so much! I must make my present so much more solid and balanced before I build plans on it. So no plans. No graduate school. No counseling. No China. No career. Nothing of the sort. Only my life now—my life, which is like a wonderful garden pregnant with fruits and vegetables and flowers and herbs of all kinds, needing only to be tended, needing only a mindful gardener! Now is the time for me to be the mindful gardener of my life.

Before I became a Baha’i at age 17 I had searching for truth for a little while. It really started when I was 15 or 16. I had been exposed to spiritual writings and deep conversation for a while by that point but I started having nature experiences that really helped me to come out of the trance or whatever I had been in. I had a real moment of awakening on a hillside in the Olympic Mountains in the summer of ’92. At that time I started reading a book about Edgar Cayce. I don't remember anything about it but it was the first “spiritual” book I picked up and took with me and read through. Not long after, in this time of communing with nature, I read the Tao Te Ching. It opened something in me. It spoke to me in ways that touched me and it gave me the sense of perceiving truth in glimmers. It was the first book, I think, to do that for me. I responded to it. I felt like I was a Taoist. I resonated with the message. I wanted to practice that way of life. The Tao Te Ching helped me to open my heart and mind to walking a spiritual path in life, to living by principles, following a Way, seeking understanding and wisdom and wholeness.

In the years since, I really haven’t picked it up much. The few times I have I didn’t feel as open to it. Me and Lao Tzu weren’t seeing the same thing. I have a copy with me here. Thinking about all this I glanced at and thought, “Maybe there’s something in there for me.” I opened it up to a page on which was written the following:

Stop thinking, and end your problems.
What difference between yes and no?
What difference between success and failure?
Must you value what others value,
avoid what others avoid?
How ridiculous!

Other people are excited,
as though they were at a parade.
I alone don’t care.
I alone am expressionless,
like an infant before it can smile.

Other people have what they need;
I alone possess nothing.
I alone drift about,
like someone without a home.
I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty.

Other people are bright;
I alone am dark.
Other people are sharp;
I alone am dull.

Other people have a purpose;
I alone don’t know.
I drift like a wave on the ocean,
I blow as aimless as the wind.

I am different from ordinary people.
I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.

I was just amazed. I felt, at that moment, I was seeing what Lao Tzu saw. I felt that it was not just the old sage speaking, but my heart of hearts. I felt His presence in those words, He who knows my heart completely! He know that, like every soul, I am unique, I am special, and there is a unique path for me in this life that flows in accordance with His divine will as well as with my own individual nature. Like a stream winding its way from the spring, running naturally over the landscape, letting itself be directed, I have a way through this life, a way for me alone. A way that only He comprehends. I accept this. I am content to be this one stream. More than content! It is my bliss to be this stream. I will follow my bliss!

I don’t know what the future holds for me or for any of us. Living life now will prepare the way for living life then. I am alive in this world. I am the soul they call Daniel, and I am a stream of water. The way for me is clear. Now but one thing remains! To flow. And to flow. And to flow.

Go Time

Can't sleep. A reliable source of anxiety has me up and thinking: graduate school, preparation for it, shall I do it or not?, would I be accepted?, will I have to take more undergraduate courses?, for how long?

I had an amazing conversation with a friend tonight. She's pursuing her dream of becoming an art therapist. First she needs to get a significant number of psychology credits before she can apply for the graduate program at the school she want to study at. It all adds up to a four-year process. 2 years of undergraduate study and 2 years of Masters study. She just decided, "I'm going to do this. This is my dream. It's what I want to do, my calling, my bliss. This is what I have to do to get to the point where I have the degree and can set forth as a professional art therapist. It will take me four years, four years of learning and growing, accomplishing and working."

I'm not sure how much she agonized about this decision beforehand. I do know that this is a person who is a traveler, an artist, and abstract thinker, an "intuitive" as my mom would say. She's lived outside the bounds of the normal for a while. Now she's getting back into school, beginning a long-term process. She doesn't know what will happen after she gets the degree. She's not worried about it. She knows that, no matter what, this is the right use of her time and money. The knowledge and experience is worthwhile in and of itself. It's valuable because she loves what she's learning and doing. Of course when people love what they do it usually leads to success in that field. When people follow their calling good things happen.

It was so big for me hear her story. I can relate so much to her experience and I guess that's important to me. It's a bigger deal to me to see this commitment in someone who's lived abroad for many years teaching ESL, who's been attracted to that lifestyle and gotten a lot out of it,who isn't usually a big planner doing big things like this, and who has a passion for helping and connecting with others. I just saw a lot of myself and my own experience in her.

It was actually amazing. I can't remember ever hearing someone's story like that and it just mirroring my own in so many ways and just kind of laying out what I should do. This is the time I need to make a decision about going to China from here or going back to school, for however long that takes, and studying counseling, psychology, social work, whatever exactly will get to the point where I'm paid to talk to people about spiritual things.

My friends commitment really encourages me! Actually what affects me more is her reasons, her motivation. The traveling life just isn't giving her what she needs anymore. It's time shoot straight into the things back home that she's been avoiding. It's time to break through all the resistance and fear. It's time to learn how to do something she loves and become a professional. It's time to pursue her calling! She's not just thinking and saying these things. She's really doing it!

As I write this I feel like what I'm saying may seem obvious, like "Yeah, so she did the old thing and now she's doing the new thing. She's going to school so she can get the job she wants. No big revelations coming to me." It IS obvious. It's simple. It's just something I've had SO MUCH resistance to.

My friend told me something an author she likes wrote, that whatever we have the strongest resistance to is where we should head for. We should make it our compass. Go straight for the fearsome challenge! It makes sense! It's the most direct route to transformation and growth! My mom was telling me the same thing the other day.

Thinking about things that way gives me some fresh perspective. Going back home, probably taking more undergraduate psychology courses, then going to graduate school, and dealing with all the stresses of American life on top of it: this is the difficult path, no doubt. Going to China, probably Yunnan province, teaching ESL there, pioneering, just living: this is definitely the easy path.

It's not just about hard vs. easy though. It's about challenge and meaning. The path to becoming a counselor for me is like an epic quest compared to what I've been doing. It's years full of learning and growing, facing challenges and overcoming them, accomplishing things that I've been avoiding for years. It's gaining knowledge and synthesizing it all into something I can really use. It's gaining experience and understanding. It's expanding and breaking through barriers. It's going through everything I've feared and coming out on the other end a real professional! Able to pursue my calling. Paid to do what I love!

Counseling and psychology is something that I would not only love to do for work but that I would love to keep learning about, year after year. It can be a true passion for me, I know it, if only I pursue it! On the other hand, teaching is probably never going to a passion for me. I've pretty much already accepted that being a teacher in the States or at an international school is not for me. I can't bear it. I can handle and enjoy teaching ESL however. It's never going to be a passion though. It's not my calling. It what I do to live abroad, and I do my best to enjoy it and do a good job. It has its moments. It can be awesome, but decades more of it?! Not a happy prospect. I'm sure I would get burned out.

Work is not the only thing in life. I want a lot more out of life than just loving my work, but hey! Why not try it on for size eh? Why not see what loving my work and feeling passionate about it and actually genuinely interested in it FEELS like? Why not try it and see what happens? Certainly the whole process will not be wasted time and effort. If I decide counseling isn't my calling or whatever then do the next thing. Right now it's the best chance I have, the only vision I have, for following my bliss.

Yes, there's lots of bliss in living in China. It's cool learning Chinese. It's good being a pioneer. Teaching ESL can be kinda fun and easy and not stressful. Chinese people are great. It's a very simple life and there's lots of time for teaching the Faith and meditation and other good stuff. If I was totally egoless I might see it as the way to give the most service possible.

It feels a little too easy though. Not the right kind of challenge. Not enough learning. It feels kinda like more of the same. Another way of doing what I've already been doing. Graduate school feels like something completely new, totally challenging, stimulating. I feel like I need something new, something to breath life into me, to stimulate me and push me. I just don't know how much I would really benefit from the peaceful, simple life in China. I need to do something totally new! I have absolutely worn out this path! And I really want to know what it's like to be a counselor. I don't want to wait forever to find out.

It's just time. I need to face up to it. It seems impossible for me to feel 100% about this. There's always an alternative, always benefits of other paths. I just need to accept 90% or 80% and move on. It's time to take my life in a new direction, time to learn new things, face new challenges. It's time to face my fears and break through to the other side. Time to become an expert at something, to be really good at one thing, a professional. Time to go back to school and learn something that interests me! Time to work towards getting payed to talk with people about life and stuff.

Life is long. I can't just live like the whole thing's gonna fly by. It's wise to seek a profession that i can envision myself enjoying more over the years as opposed to one I become increasingly disenchanted with.

Gotta pray about this. Gotta take it deeper. And before too long--as in over the next few weeks--need to start taking action on it. Online courses, whatever I can do. It may be a four year process for me as well to get a masters degree. It's all good. Mustn't worry about the debt and the blah, blah, blah. Fact is that that kind of worry is what's been holding me back for so long. It's always something. Just do it! It's gonna cost money! I'll go into debt. Then I'll not be making a lot of money and have to figure out how to pay off the debt. Just accept it! I won't starve. I'll be alright. I actually believe that now after talking with my friend, my friend who's already begun the process that I must begin. She's doing and it's clearly right and good. I need to stop fretting and just do the next thing.

So now it's time to pray and sleep on it...and then, if it still feels right, it's GO TIME BABY!!!

What is Wrong?

Here's something worthy of writing about on this blog, something to work out, something that needs a solution:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

Something is wrong. There can be no doubt. What is going ON? Why can't I sleep like a normal person EVER? Why can't I pull it together and take care of the basic elements of self-maintenance, namely feeding myself, without it being such a complicated chore? Why do I continue to wander through this life without any clear material, intellectual, or professional goals? Why is it so hard for me to get up and actually DO things? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by life? Why do I always feel this craving to escape? Why is my mind so overactive, so overstimulated? Why, after 32 years of earthy existence, do I still feel like I haven't gotten the hang of it? Why am I stuck in this place, imprisoned in my own mind?

How much longer is this going to go on? It will simply continue if I don't change it. I'll be this way for the rest of my life I don't do something about it. What is the way out of this?

A friend of mine is taking 3 different medications. One is an anti-depressant, another for ADD, and another for stress. I tell you what, if I could start that up right now I'd say OK, let's give it a shot. Part of me doesn't want to rely on medication and there have been times when I really didn't want to go that route. I've taken anti-depressants at different times but never worked closely with a professional to get it right. I don't think I ever took enough to affect me much.

I think before I might have thought 3 meds at once was overkill but now, heck let science take a shot. If I've got three different problems going on lets see what science can do about them. One thing I know for sure: something's not right in this brain of mine. I think too much and my thoughts are too intense. I think in circles way too much. I weave a web of thought that can be beautiful but...it doesn't seem to take me anywhere! My mental habit patterns make it hard for me to consistently apply myself in the world. My mind weaves its web around everything and drags it down. Sometimes I'm so far out in my own world that I make foolish decisions or careless oversights. I'm so engaged in this inner world, wrestling with this neurosis, that I have too little energy left to make my way in the real world of action, relationships, career, and service.

I think all the massive alone time I'm getting here in Korea is not helping things. I don't know. Thank God I'll be doing Vipassana meditation for 10 days, 10 hours a day, in a little over a week. Couldn't come at a better time.

A friend of mine has been feeling lots of stress. She's overstimulated because of things coming from external situations. She says all she wants to do is sit and watch the trees grow. That's how I feel. I want to sit by a river like Siddhartha and relax and be with no stress, no anxiety, no struggle. I want to learn from that river so much that God can teach me about what is true and real and pure and beautiful! About what is real and shared between us all, not wrapped up in the craziness in my head.

I've got to do something. Medication and therapy would be ideal next step but that's not happening here in Seoul. That also wouldn't happen if I chose to live in China, along with not being able to practice my ideal profession, counseling. Actually one of the reasons I've recently been so set on going back to settle in China is that I envision finding a place not super in the middle of the hubbub, with lots of natural beauty in the area, and good simple people. I have a vision of making a simple life for myself there as an English teacher, free from the hydra-headed troubles and stresses and complications that have dogged me in America.

The fact that I'm still debating this counseling and America life vs. teaching ESL and China life and still feel torn just makes me want to EXPLOOOOOODE! When am I going to pick something and ride it all the way and get my life going in some consistent direction? I hope this bouncing around and trying stuff out for years and years has been worth something. I hope I can see more value in it later than I can now.

I'm worried that a Masters in Social Work would end up getting me a counseling job that isn't what I expected and I'll be poor and jaded by a crappy system and feel like I'm not getting through to people and just banging my head against a wall. I'm also afraid I'll be rejected by graduate schools. It's been so long since I was in school, longer still since I was proud of myself as a student. I'm worried that the ways things went down with my last job at Goodwill will make things harder for me in the future, and I just feel rotten about it and don't want to deal with any potential consequences. I'm also just afraid of living in America! All the crap you gotta deal with!

I actually preferred living in China in many ways, and of course felt more useful there on a spiritual level. I would love to settle into life in China, the China vibe, outside of the big city. I'm just not sure I can teach for the rest of my life, be it ESL teaching or at an international school or whatever. If I choose to settle in China, teaching, as far as I can see, is IT for me. I've done a lot of teaching and related stuff over the years. Every job I've had that wasn't just grunt work was educational. I'm starting to feel tired of it. Teaching is stressful man! When I'm with the kids I'm on stage in the spotlight the whole time. I've got keep everything moving the whole time. It's like I'm the heart of the class. Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump! I'm ON full blast from start to finish. I'm orchestrating the talking and participation like a conductor. I'm keeping things moving forward at a good pace while not rushing on before they understand well enough. I'm listening and observing at the same time that I'm entertaining and keeping them involved. I'm trying to reel in kids that are tired or unmotivated. I'm trying not be too sensitive and hurt when students don't like what I do or are bored. I'm planning and getting everything ready so that I'll be able to direct the show nonstop for 50 minutes for another day.

I'm just not sure if I can go through decades of this. The thing is --amazingly!-- some people don't find all that so stressful! They actually thrive on all that stuff! They work well under pressure. They like being in control of the classroom and designing the lessons and explaining things and multitasking. Those people are called to be teachers. It just comes naturally to them. Now teaching ESL can be much less stressful than teaching middle school back home, but you still have to do all that teacher stuff if you're going to do a good job. And if you're not going to do a good job and just slide by, well that's another, worse, kind of misery.

Good Lord, what is it going to take for me to just apply to graduate school and get a frickin MSW and actually give myself a chance to have a 9-5 that I genuinely enjoy? I want to go back to China so bad but I just feel really worried that I'll get burned out on teaching but have no other option there! No better option.

I know counseling can be stressful too. Long hours sometimes, low pay most of the time. Not necessarily a lot of results you see in people's lives. Paperwork. Bureaucracy. Maybe not being able to spend enough time with people. Who knows what else? The fact remains, however, that this is a job in which what you do is you talk to individuals and small groups about important things, often spiritual matters (whether they see them that way or not) and help them to see things in a different light. You listen, deeply listen, listen to different levels, different aspects of what the person is communicating. You love, you care, you be trustworthy and kind and compassionate. You gently guide and suggest. You open doors and windows. You support. You focus on what's important. You find the truth with that person. You shed the light of insight on their thoughts. You connect with that person. And then they give you a paycheck!

To me that just sounds so different from teaching! Not that I haven't made connections with kids teaching and haven't felt good vibes and all that good stuff. All the stuff that stresses me out in teaching seems to not be there in counseling though, and all the things that I like about teaching seem to be extracted and amplified. Can I really just go on with my life, go live in China and deal with the ups and downs of teaching for years and years without seeing what it's like to be a counselor? It's funny, I've tried so much in life, done so much, but I keep avoiding even getting a taste of what it's like to do the one, single thing that is most likely my calling in this life. WHAT is that ABOUT? What is my damage?

If I pull it together and really become a counselor, perhaps I'll look back on all this time of wandering and wildness and see that in some important ways it prepared me to be a better counselor. maybe I'll even be able to look back and see that it made me a deeper, more spiritual person. Whatever happens, I want to be looking back on this period from another level and a new stage in my life. I want to be looking back from that new level very soon. Help me do it Lord! Please help me!

Meditation

I went to Kyobo bookstore on Sunday. It’s kind of a mega-Barnes & Nobles. It has quite a nice selection of English books. I spent a long time there just looking through lots of different books. I recently started reading Siddhartha again and in 2 weeks I’ll be taking part in a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat. Vipassana is a kind of Buddhist meditation technique. So meditation and spiritual readings were on my mind.

I really love just hanging out in the spiritual, philosophy, and religion sections and just chillin and reading bits from different books. I realized at Kyobo that that is a kind of meditation for me, a solace. It’s my happy place! I know this now because I realize it comes out of spending so much time sitting by Mom and Michael’s bookshelves growing up, sampling and drifting through their many spiritual books. I was so blessed to have those books around every day when I was growing up in middle school and high school. Just the fact that so many interesting books were there and available and I could relax and forget about all my troubles and sit on the carpet and leaf through them—that was so comforting! All was right with the world while I was doing that, no matter how troubled I was. There was every kind of awesome book there: different kinds of I Ching, extra-biblical Christian documents, Mayan prophecies, astrology, tarot, American Indian traditions, psychology, history, meditation, philosophy, science, and so much more!

I’m not sure if I ever read even half of any of those books, but nevertheless I feel now that they had a huge role in my life! Resting into words of meaning and depth, of power and beauty, feeling happy and comfortable in that place, opened up that side of life for me and taught me to appreciate beauty and wisdom and eloquence. They prepared me for my own spiritual journey. They opened my heart and mind to receive the Word of God. Those books are still there on those same bookshelves. It gives me a unique feeling of joy and peace to know that they are waiting for me there. Until then I can always go to Kyobo bookstore and drift through the sea of words.

I was very pleased to purchase The Prophet by Khalil Gibran, which I guess I forgot to bring. I also bought Aesop’s Fables, treasury of some of the greatest lessons (and some more mundane, but fun, stuff) taught through simple allegory. I got two books by Krishnamurti. One is something he wrote on meditation. Another is a transcription of many talks he gave in the Q & A format.

Krishnamurti wasn’t a big fan of organized religion but I realize I have to get past that kind of stuff because if I want everything I read to be in accord with the teachings of the Faith then Baha’i writings are all I’ll read. That just doesn’t cut it. I need to read more spiritual texts coming from other angles because the writings of the Faith don’t seem to be explicit about everything. Of course a lot is clearly covered but perhaps there’s just a lot that doesn’t need to be. God is allowing us to discover so much on our own, guided by His principles, knowing that He is the goal and the essence of the truth we seek. The whole realm of science is open to us and we can explore it infinitely. We can do this in peace and joy if we have the love of God in our hearts and strive to be obedient as we progress. So it is in all our endeavors in the material realm.

I think this also applies to the immaterial realm as well, the realm of mind. Experienced philosophers and meditators will testify that there is a whole world to explore that is not physical, yet is accessible to us before we pass out of our bodies. I think there are different levels. One is a level of structure and analysis. Pure mathematics and philosophy are valuable pursuits but there is nothing physical about them. They are composed purely of thought and comprehension. They employ symbols and formulas to make the concepts communicable (which is what language is in the first place!) and they strive for ever more perfect synthesis, but it’s all really abstraction, ideas, something going on in the brain and perhaps beyond! I think greater understanding of this part of life may make the harmony of science and religion much clearer because this is where logic and the mind begin to journey out in to the reaches—that is, all beyond the concrete--that not long ago most thought could only be alluded to through mystic symbology.

There’s another level beyond that, however, which is the level of pure awareness. From my understanding, experience on this level is free of thought and all that comes with it, which is just about everything! On this level, the mind is simply aware of what is. That may seem anticlimactic but the thing is: we don’t know what the truly open, clear, balanced, and aware mind is capable of! WHAT IS is surely more than we now comprehend right? So when one arrives at that state of awareness he or she sees what he knows, but not only does he see it from a very different perspective, now his capacity for awareness is freed from previous limitations so he will naturally be opened up to new understandings, new awareness, new….I don’t know what it is because I’ve only had the briefest taste of it. I got that taste through meditation and I know others have experienced this level of mind much more deeply and consistently than I have.

Meditation opened me up to that higher level, to the realization that it exists, and it also filled me with peace and joy once I had worked through all my resistance and agitation. The peace and joy were, I think, the result of my mind working in a way that it is capable of but seldom does. Meditation kinda changed my brain or something, or maybe how I used my brain.

So if joy and peace come from it and it has rules that you follow in practice and it takes you to this higher level, how come it’s not included in Divine Revelation? How come Baha’u’llah didn’t give us a meditation technique and all that? I think it’s because meditation, stripped of all dogma and tradition, is like science, like philosophy, just on another level. Or it’s like exercise and martial arts. It’s a totally rational, explainable thing that one can do to discipline his or her mind. It’s good for some people but maybe not for everyone. It’s not religion, so like science and everything, it must be guided by love of God and obedience to God and pursued by those attracted to it.

We live for a short while and then what we experience makes any kind of pure awareness we had here look like a daydream. What matters most is what we do and how we live. The world is in big trouble and there is no time to lose! I want to be of service. I long to be useful to Baha’u’llah and to His Cause! I’ve struggled with some things up to this present moment that I think meditation can help me with in a big way. I think I’m one of those people that needs to be a meditator, that needs to experience that higher level. There’s something in my mind that’s not content with less, that is constantly striving for that state of mind! I know I must exercise moderation and stay focused on action. I hope meditation can be for me a means of taking control of my life on a whole new level, of unlocking my potential! Firstly as a servant of Baha’u’llah and also as person in relation to others and as a worker. I hope it can be a means of existing in a state of being that will enable me to be wholly content with the long voyage of earthly life and all its ups and downs. I hope it can be a means of awakening.

YES!

One thing I was thinking about Before Sunset was, okay these two people are obviously meant for each other. They fell madly in love 9 years ago but then lost track of each other. Now they come together and feel the same way but it’s been so long. There are so many what ifs! His marriage is loveless, but his relationship with his son is full of love! Can they get together or not? Is it even right? How could it be wrong? And again WHAT IF they had JUST exchanged contact information 9 years ago? (silent scream) How would their lives be different?

I just feel I can really relate to their situation. What if? And on the other end, here I am now, with my Beloved before me! Am I going to sulk about what could have been or embrace the fullness of life to come? They’re both 32 too! They can feel like things are doomed because they missed so much or they can begin the process of healing and coming together into an eternal, blissful union. They can be rash and repeat mistakes of their youth or they can use the wisdom they’ve earned so dearly to make this most precious dream a wholesome, praiseworthy reality!

I just think Before Sunset captures SO PERFECTLY the position that many people my age probably are in. I don’t really know but I just feel like early thirties for many of us is a time of catching out breath, stepping back and saying “Whoa! What just happened? What happened in my twenties and where am I now? Who have I become and where is my life headed? Is it what I want? Do I even know what I want? What I am going to do? This is the moment of truth! This is the crossroads! I learned a lot of hard lessons and had a ton of experiences in my twenties that led me to where I am now, but I’m still on my way. I haven’t arrived. This is that brief window where I have a chance to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going and to change my course so that it heads directly for my heart’s desire, to make many important adjustments to how I proceed based on the wisdom I’ve gained. This is my chance before I really arrive and have to dwell for some time in an existence that my heart cannot be at peace with!”

Or maybe I’ve just taken so long to get anywhere that I’ve arrived here late and most other folks have already arrived, for better or for worse. Either way, for me this is the time. If I don’t exercise in get in shape in the next several months, it’s just not gonna happen. Same for studying the Baha’i writings, applying to MSW programs, praying and reading the Scriptures morning and evening, getting proper sleep. If not now, when? This is my golden opportunity! I have a chance to achieve many victories here and then go back to Austin in a blaze of glory! Accepted to graduate school! Twenty pounds lighter! More learned in the Faith! Healthier! In a spiritual zone! Why not? It’s not magic. It’s simple cause and effect.

I co-hosted a new devotional today for the first time. It was awesome despite a few kinks. It feels good to be somewhat active. Anyways, in preparation for it I read some of The Seven Valleys, in particular the Valley of Love. He saith:

“In this city the heaven of ecstasy is upraised and the world-illuming sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason.

Now is the traveler unaware of himself, and of aught besides himself. He seeth neither ignorance nor knowledge, neither doubt nor certitude; he knoweth not the morn of guidance from the night of error. He fleeth both from unbelief and faith, and deadly poison is a balm to him. Wherefore Attar saith:

For the infidel, error -- for the faithful, faith;
For Attar's heart, an atom of Thy pain.”

I was thinking about how it is to be in the throes of new love, falling in love, being in love. How that felt for me, what I can understand from what I’ve seen in others. Yes, that’s how it is! It burns away all your reason! And all your reasons. It was like my mind was suddenly able to tear through all the veils and all the distractions and everything and my purpose, my desire, everything became clear! Just love her and bask in her love was my thought when I was in love with Kristen. Just love Baha’u’llah and bask in His love was my only thought when I was in love with Baha’u’llah. Nothing else mattered! Hah! Are you kidding! I don’t need reasons! I have no concern for doubt or certitude, unbelief or faith! I only long to be with my Beloved! That is ALL I care about! The rest I leave to whoever wants it. You can have all of it forever! I’ve got all I need and infinitely more!

To be IN that! To be really experiencing it and not just believing it. To be really feeling it and not just knowing it! In Before Sunset, Jesse and Celine have the priceless chance to renew their love, to fulfill their dreams, to be with their heart’s desire. They have a second chance at true love! That is not something to take lightly! Here I’ve been longing for a second chance at true love with a girl (not the same girl) when I’ve got a second chance at true love with Baha’u’llah! The former may take years to manifest, whereas the latter is ready! He saith:

“O MOVING FORM OF DUST!
I desire communion with thee, but thou wouldst put no trust in Me. The sword of thy rebellion hath felled the tree of thy hope. At all times I am near unto thee, but thou art ever far from Me. Imperishable glory I have chosen for thee, yet boundless shame thou hast chosen for thyself. While there is yet time, return, and lose not thy chance.”

Wow! That just says it all! First of all, I’m a stump of a tree, chopped down by my own rebellion. Not a hopeful image, yet He says there is still time! I still have a chance! Kristen is far from me, married with a kid. There’s no chance for that love. It’s gone. The only earthly love I’ve ever known is at all times a million miles away from me. Wow, that’s discouraging. I can feel that way about someone and then it just ends like that with no second chance? So this must be the ending between this servant and His Best Beloved. I turned my back on Him and then He began His inexorable drift into the far reaches of the galaxy. I am alone forever. WRONG! He is near to me, closer than my life vein. He is here with me. He is so close, so ready AT ALL TIMES. That means every single moment of every day of all my life.

Yet I do not trust Him. HE desires communion with ME? Wait, wait, He desires communion with me? Why? What can I possible have to offer that he would desire? I don’t know but I know it’s not a mistake. I know He really wants me back! What human being is even remotely that forgiving and selfless and loving! No one I can think of! And that’s just one set of qualities! He is superior to all others in every way! There’s not even the beginning of a comparison! I mean, a supermodel who is also a true saint has nothing on Him! NOTHING! No comparison! No supermodel saints are knocking on my door, much less desiring communion with me. But he desires communion with me! How many people in this life even care if I trust them? Very few think about that at all. He points to it as something of vital importance, a barrier between us! I can’t even remember the last time someone pointed out something that was holding us back from being closer to each other!

It’s true, I put no trust in Him! How do I trust Him? What do I do that’s based on trust? I don’t even trust that He’s really THERE! I “believe” in Him. SO WHAT! Yay, I believe. What does that mean? Did the martyrs believe? No, they trusted. They didn’t judge and weigh and then decide to believe, and keep judging and weighing and keep deciding to believe. They took a running jump off the cliff of trust in Him! They loved Him! They trusted that He would always return their love, that He would always be there for them! They flung themselves forward with no thought for themselves and trusted that he would guide them and direct their steps! Their hearts burned with love for Him and nothing else mattered! They were running to Him, flying to Him at all times!

He inhabited a body once, but no more. How can I be with Him then? Well, hey, why does being in a body have to be so important! He exists as He is! He is with me. Do I trust that He is? He loves me. Do I trust that He does? He desires for me return to Him, saying:

“O SON OF GLORY!
Be swift in the path of holiness, and enter the heaven of communion with Me. Cleanse thy heart with the burnish of the spirit, and hasten to the court of the Most High.”

Do I trust Him enough to set forth swiftly on the path of return?

Before Sunset

I just saw Before Sunset for the first time. Whew! That is one wonderful film. I have always adored Before Sunrise and seeing Before Sunset, its sequel, cemented their place as the undisputed #1 and #2 in my Top 10 movies, interchangeably. Anyone who loves those movies and has not found the love of their life is feeling me right now. Those movies just bring all those feelings right out of me. I’ve never experienced any story or anything that captures being in love like that and how two people can just really be a perfect fit for each other.

I really want that, as do countless other human beings. I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I’m pretty starved for human contact. I mean, I get plenty of interaction at work with students and other teachers. Pretty much non-stop. But there’s very little depth to it. There are so many awesome, awesome kids there that I would love to get to know better and be friends with and be a mentor to and all that, but that’s probably not going to happen at all. They just zoom through my life every day. The teachers too. They’re all really nice and awesome, but it doesn’t seem like a deep friendship is developing there.

After work I just go back to my apartment and….write in my blog listening to Keith Jarret, among other things. Whatever I do at home I do alone. Getting out to see anyone on a weekday is tough because it’s often close to 10pm when I get home, and before work is the middle of most folks’ work day. So there’s the weekend. I could get out more than I do then. I have met and befriended some people but, except for one person, I haven’t really made a strong connection with anyone and gotten into many deeper conversations. It’s kind of seeing a few people at a few Baha’i events, but always different people showing up so I might see someone once a month or something. Plus just….developing close relationships doesn’t often happen quickly. In the meantime here I am, gazing into my computer screen yet again.

The fact that I’m communing with a blog at this moment instead of the love of my life does not sit well with me. It’s a test though. I have to learn to be patient about love! I mean I’m in a Year of patience for goodness sake! If I can’t see that I need to learn that lesson then I’m blind. But I do see. All my love relationships have been forced prematurely to deeper levels of intimacy by the vacuum of patience that existed in me at the time. That combined with other things doomed them.

Sometimes I worry that I’ve used up my all my chances at true love and I’m just going to have to wait this life out and experience those kinds of feelings (and much more) in the life to come. I mean it’s not like that hasn’t happened before! One of the things Celine said in Before Sunset is that when you’re young you feel sure that you’re going to meet many amazing people with whom you find a special connection. When that special connection happens to a young person they can easily take it for granted or be dissatisfied with it based on whatever ideals they have in their mind in the time or just plain mess it up. But the youth moves on, confident that bigger and brighter things await him or her. At a certain point, though, it seems life starts slowing down and it becomes harder to meet people and less people you meet have that energy that brings the life out in you and you start realizing that you may not meet a lot of people in this life that you have a profound connection with and with whom you can develop a deeper bond. It may be decades between such meetings. That point has come and gone for me and, like so many of the lessons I’ve learned, tempts me to dwell on what an abject fool I have been. Ignorant stupidity and stumbling drunken down the wrong path, and the agony that results in, just seem to be a part of life that is really hard to avoid though. I mean lots of people spend just about their whole lives in that state. Here I am reflecting on how I’ve been that way in the past and how I still am being a fool now. At least I’m aware of it! At least I’m trying to learn from it! That gives me hope.

I feel like an old man at 32. It’s just amazing how many experiences I’ve had! How many people I’ve known and places I’ve been and thoughts and feelings I’ve had. It’s like looking back on a whole lifetime. I’ve lived many lives already, yet there’s potentially twice that lifetime to come! I hope I live a long time, mainly because I don’t want other people to have to deal with grief about my sudden and unexpected death. It’s crazy to think about how someone can suddenly just be out of the picture completely. BOOM! They’re gone. And that could be me. Something could happen and all my plans suddenly turn to dust and I’m in the next world. It happens all the time. Of course I want out of this miserable life but I really could use a lot more time to grow and become a much better person. I have A LOT of growing to do. It’s kind of ridiculous. I talk a good talk but I have a lot to prove.

One thing I’ve started to realize is that I’m two different people. I’m one person with others and another alone. With others my better qualities tend to come out. I listen, I care, I want to serve them and make them happy. I see their goodness and appreciate the warmth of their souls. I feel more like a servant, a spiritual being in action with others.

When I’m alone, however, I feel like I’m either wanting to be with others in a meaningful way or I’m escaping from those feelings and many other painful feelings by playing computer games or watching movies or surfing the internet. I’m so driven to distraction. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling: I’ve experienced certain spiritual highs in life, levels of peace and joy and fulfillment and purposefulness. I long to feel those feelings again and have trouble bearing their absence. Escapism is just a drug though. The problem only gets worse.

I guess that’s one reason I would love to find the love of my life sooner rather than later. I respond so much to other people. When someone else is around and presents me, intentionally or not, with an opportunity to serve and connect, it always feels like just such a more straight and direct path to happiness and usefulness for me. So it would be great to have someone around that gave me that opportunity all the time. Imagine! Living with someone who I connect with on that deep level, who cares about those same deep spiritual things that are all that makes this life worth living to me, someone who is kind and soft spoken and pure hearted, who is a true lover of Baha’u’llah. Imagine having someone like that around to bring the best out of me all the time, a real person right there, a person who will respond to the kind of gifts I have to give, who will appreciate them! And then children around all the time who will respond even more and draw the best out of me even more! That really is a big part of it for me. The right kind of girl for me is someone who will help me to be that better version of myself all the time.

There’s no other feeling like being with someone, boy or girl, who truly is an intoxicated lover of Baha’ullah! Someone whose priorities and joys of life really truly are on a higher plane. I’m not talking about a saint, or even always someone who is living their life in a healthy way. I’m talking about someone whose heart longs for union with the Best Beloved, whose soul cries out for the freedom of nothingness before Him, whose eyes burn with search for any sign of Him in this dust heap of a world. I just want to find a woman who is truly, deeply in love with Baha’u’llah, who is kind and loving, whose inner heart is pure and full of longing, someone gentle and caring. She can have any interests she wants. She doesn’t have to be beautiful by societal standards, just basically pleasing to look at and listen to, y’know? She can be older than me even!

Somewhere in the Baha’i Writings it is said that as two lovers of God come closer to each other they come closer to God, so maybe that really is a way to draw nearer to Him! Maybe that really is a way to feel His presence more and experience the joy of His love and feel the warmth of His light more in the black abyss of nothingness that is the prison of self. Maybe that really is something that can help to lift me out of the prison and into the bright sky! But only if she is an intoxicated lover of Baha’u’llah. If not then we’re on a different subject and it’s not about any of this. It’s not about God or the spiritual realm. There isn’t that deep spiritual connection and sharing of love for Baha’u’llah, which is the most wonderful thing in life to share. In my life at least.

I won’t rush in again! I won’t settle for less than that level of spiritual connection! Even if I have to wait 10 years! Even if I have to wait until I cross the threshold of death! The challenge for me until then is to find a connection to God on my own, without much support from other at all. I guess that’s been my test. I’m the kind of person that thrives in giving and receiving support. That’s part of why I should be a counselor, which is a different subject. I have gotten lots of support from my parents and step-dad—and my brother when we’re together—especially in spiritual matters, but at the same time there’s so many things that a Baha’i who I don’t know very well can understand and relate to in my experience better than my family can. There are so many things about being a Baha’i that are extremely difficult and painful and trying and, for me, lonely. I wonder what it would be like to be raised in a family of devout Baha’is. My parents and siblings are all dedicated servants of Baha’u’llah. Any time I am feeling the challenges of this struggle for purity and obedience and concerted action and sacrifice I can go to them and confide in them and hear advice that comes out of the same devotion to Baha’u’llah that I feel, the same absolute commitment to God’s revealed plan that I feel deep in my heart. Would this journey feel so lonely then? Would that take some of the burden of my shoulders?

I have walked this path alone for too long. I mean the central principle of the Cause of God is unity! We’re not meant to do it alone! It’s not easy! We must strive to help each other all we can! I guess what I’m saying is I need help. I wasn’t willing to say that for so long because I felt like I should be the one giving help and that others must perceive me as strong in order for me to be of service, to be a leader. Well, I’ve been sufficiently humbled by now. Boy, am I humble. I am really, REALLY humble. Pride and vainglory definitely are not my primary weaknesses!

I can’t just go out and make a great marriage happen, and absolutely not for the next 2 months. Chances are I’m not going to suddenly have tons more support in my life here from friends. So if I don’t want to walk this path alone and I want to get the support I need I’m going to really have to reach out to the spiritual realm in ways that I haven’t for a long time. The last time I really was consistently linked with the spiritual world was when I was much younger and hadn’t been a Baha’i for very long and was a lot more innocent and pure. It kind of feels now like I was a child, full of the light of the Kingdom just naturally, without really trying, without fully knowing how or why. Now that innocence is gone forever and I’ve got to find my way back. i have to return to that secret and holy place as a man. It must be a conscious effort, it must involve a great deal of shedding of old ways, and lots of growing and lots of concerted and not easy or always pleasant work. I have to really, really want it! I have to work for it. If I try hard, if I seek His forgiveness and put myself at His mercy and open my heart to Him completely, I can still achieve the victory!

“O SON OF BEING!
My love is My stronghold; he that entereth therein is safe and secure, and he that turneth away shall surely stray and perish.” -- Baha’u’llah

If only I can find way into that stronghold again Lord I swear I’ll never leave again! Not even I could be such a fool! I’ve learned my lesson and I’m a wiser man. Unfortunately I’m a wise man stuck in the middle of dark wilderness. Help me find my way back to You Lord and I’ll never leave You again! And if the way back to that fortress could be a little easier and smoother that would be great but I’ll just do my part and whatever You give me is the essence of awesomeness! You are so wonderful God! I’m just glad that I believe in You and that I recognize Baha’u’llah and that, though I’m far away and in the dark, You have deposited in my heart the compass that will guide me every step of the way, all the way to very court of Your throne! Yes! Life is actually pretty awesome. When I think about what You have revealed to me about what life is really about and the vision that You’ve given me for my own life’s path and of Your plan for us all, I feel really grateful. REALLY grateful! Like WOW! How in the heck do I deserve this amazing privilege when so many others are lacking it! I have got SO MUCH work to do to even begin to fulfill the responsibilities that come with this privilege. Oh I need help! I can’t do this alone! Ah, I just want scream right now! I NEED HEEEEELP! THIS IS REALLY HARD! I’M WEAK! I can’t even do this at all! I’m a body, a brain, a personality, an ego, a collection of desires and fears. What You’re asking Lord, it’s just beyond me! I can’t even imagine it! Please just destroy me and all this I, Me, Mine! Sweep it away so your work can be done through this vessel! Help me do what it takes to make that happen! I certainly don’t, in my heart, want to keep all this stuff! All this self. Blech! Cleanse me of it! Wash it away, please! Wash it away. Man, I hope that really happens. Help me do my part Lord, I beseech Thee!

Lost and Found

This morning (ahem, I mean afternoon) when I woke up I didn’t feel different or anything. As I started my walk to work, however, I felt something. I felt a little more open, a little lighter. As people walked by I looked at their expressions and though I didn’t know them I felt I could sense their being beneath the surface. I felt I was more sensitive to their souls. Just a little bit. Maybe it was the brightness of the sun, the crispness of the breeze, the vibrancy of the trees on the green mountain nearby. Maybe it was my imagination. It felt a little bit like I had just been meditating or doing yoga for a while. I still felt that way when I got to work. I forgot about it as I got busy though.

That’s the story of my life. A few minutes of heaven and weeks of…..sigh, I don’t know. A mixed bag. Earthly life. The jumble of the jungle. Decidely not soaring in the heavens. I know many other people feel the same way. Maybe millions. That’s one the many strange things about this life. The central purpose of existence here is to prepare us for the world to come, yet this world seems to have so little in common with the spiritual realm, sometimes I wonder how I can really learn what I need for the next life. All the things I long for are what the next world is made of. It doesn’t just have love in it. It is made of love. There isn’t just communion with God and closeness of souls and opening of our eyes to His beauty and drinking in the rivers of His wisdom and perfection. In that world God’s voice is on the wind and His face is in the sky. His beauty really is a fragrance on that wind and a thousand rainbows in that sky. His wisdom and perfection are the air we breath in deeply. His presence fills our being. We do not just love each other. We are one.

I’ve spent over 15 years longing for that. I guess I’ll spend about 60 more longing for it. The longing doesn’t seems to bring me closer to it. Can I feel any closer to God than I do? Can I feel close enough for this life to be bearable for the next many decades? I know the answer is yes. The answer has always been yes, but I haven’t been willing to do what it takes.

Something that really hurts me is that I felt happier in the past. There was a time—or times—when I was joyful, pure, even holy. His spirit was truly flowing through me and, looking back, I really feel He had accepted my commitment, confirmed my longing, and deigned to unleash the river of love and light—that one special, unique stream, issuing from His hidden springs and rushing towards His infinite ocean, reserved only for me, a path from Him to Him that could only be run by the waters of one soul, the soul of Daniel, every pebble of its bed a testament of our love, my love for Baha’u’llah, His love for me—a river that had been dammed in waiting for that time.

This is not my imagination. I know it in my soul to be true. I have felt His love and His presence. I was soaring in His heaven, drinking deeply of His gifts. It may sound corny, but once one has tasted this sweetness, nothing else will have any flavor for him for the rest of his days. After that melody, all else is silence. After that beauty, all else is flat and featureless. That is my life now and that is what it has been for many years—it feels like a lifetime—tasteless, soundless, featureless. Right about now you may be thinking, “Um, what you really need is anti-depressants!” If so, I’ll grant that whole side of things has great merit and must be considered. I feel strongly, however, that medication won’t solve this. When a lover betrays His best beloved and breaks his heart and hers, no treatment or anything else can cure him of the agony of regret and loneliness haunts him all his days! There is only one way for the thousand shattered pieces of his heart to be fused back together into true wholeness. His beloved must forgive him completely and open her heart again and, like a magnet, draw all those fragments to her heart until every last piece is gathered around it. Then, in the fire of her love, her lover’s heart will melt and join into one whole around hers. Then, at long last, he will find the love he lost and the peace he had forgotten.

This is the case with me (and I know I’m not alone!) Somehow, by some unfathomable mystery of His love, Baha’u’llah opened my eyes and led me to Him and embraced me. Somehow I managed to not screw it up immediately and experienced, for a few years, the bliss of pure dedication to Him. I was a gazelle in His meadow, a humble servant prostrate before His throne, a lover gazing into His eyes. His eyes filled me with peace. They filled me with joy. The caused me to brim over with a life-force that I can now barely remember, much less describe.

Then I screwed it all up. I broke His heart and exploded my own. In the years since I first turned my heart away from Him I have only found a few pieces. I will never find all my heart in the dust of this world. I have spent ten years searching for signs of pieces of my heart. Now I am tired. I feel old and worn. I feel like this world has swallowed me up and has been slowly digesting me for years. I find it hard, even when I have thoughts and feelings that direct me towards Him, to sustain my efforts. I get distracted. I feel like a man with Alzheimer’s who occasionally awakens from his sickness to remember his true self and his family and friends but then tragically slips back into oblivion.

It’s so hard to keep God in my heart and mind! Even as I was deep into writing this, thinking of nothing else, an alert popped up on my computer screen saying, “Your Windows license will expire in 14 days. Back up all your files and install any version of Windows.” What I have to buy Windows again? What the hell! No way! That’s like $200 or something! That can’t be right! Oh please let me not have to buy Windows again! Oy…anyways, where was I?

Where was I?

Who was I?

There seems to be no escape from the constant siege of pleasure and pain which is this life. It’s like trying to meditate when 100 people are outside banging on the walls of my room. No escape from all the bad habits I’ve developed. No escape from heedlessness and distraction. No escape from all these cravings and aversions. No escape from loneliness and remorse. I’m at the bottom of a well and the only way out is the way I came in. I can’t claw my way out. I’m trapped, imprisoned in the mesh of my own desires.

Baha’u’llah knows that this suffering comes to many of us in this life. He captures the experience of countless souls when He says:

“Ye are even as the bird which soareth, with the full force of its mighty wings and with complete and joyous confidence, through the immensity of the heavens, until, impelled to satisfy its hunger, it turneth longingly to the water and clay of the earth below it, and, having been entrapped in the mesh of its desire, findeth itself impotent to resume its flight to the realms whence it came. Powerless to shake off the burden weighing on its sullied wings, that bird, hitherto an inmate of the heavens, is now forced to seek a dwelling-place upon the dust.”

The first time I read these words of His, and the first time I ever read His words, I was reading a large, thick paperback copy of Gleanings of the Writings of Baha’u’llah. It was white with an Irish-looking green winding pattern on the front. It was water damaged from a flood. It was given to me by the Sepulveda family at the first fireside I ever went to, the first night I heard about the Faith, in early 1993. In the days and months to come I read voraciously from that heavenly book. I soaked it up like a sponge. I was so ready, though I hadn’t known it. I knew I was searching but I knew not for what. As the realization grew within me that I had found my heart’s desire, so grew my joy and zest for life! Finally, with the help of amazing, pure, wonderful Baha’i youth, I overcame my last lingering doubts and threw myself into Baha’u’llah’s arms! In the next several years I grew by leaps and bounds. I was still foolish and immature in many ways, and there were a few setbacks, but I felt Him with me! I felt urged on and guided by Him! I felt my longing to serve Him driving me and I heard His voice calling me! Many people in my life at that time sensed the spirit flowing through me and were drawn to it and benefitted from it, as is His intention.

Eventually I lost that copy of Gleanings. I don’t know how. Around that same time I started down a path that caused me to lose all the gifts that had been imparted to me by Him through that book. I didn’t realize my utter folly until it was too late and I was caught in the mesh of my own desires. I feel as if I’ve been struggling in that web ever since, sometimes freeing a limb, maybe two, but eventually giving up and settling back into the sticking strands, letting them wrap themselves around me in some new pattern.

Baha’u’llah knows my heart completely. He loves me completely. He forgives me completely. He is waiting to release the waters of the river of my destiny, flowing out of Him and into Him. His heart is open and, like a magnet, is exerting its powerful attractive force through all creation, seeking to gather all the fragments of my heart around His own. But my shattered heart is asleep and heeds not His call. My Best Beloved is calling me to return to Him! He is moving heaven and earth to bring me back into His arms! Yet I sleep.

I pray to Thee, O my Lord, and beseech Thee. Help me to awaken from this sleep! Whatever it takes, please shake me out of this trance! I beg Thee, aid me to be the embodiment of these words, spoken by the Tounge of Grandeur, my Best Beloved, and the Desire of all the worlds:

“I am he, O my Lord, that hath confessed to Thee the multitude of his evil doings, that hath acknowledged what no man hath acknowledged. I have made haste to attain unto the ocean of Thy forgiveness, and have sought shelter beneath the shadow of Thy most gracious favor. Grant, I beseech Thee, O Thou Who art the Everlasting King and the Sovereign Protector of all men, that I may be enabled to manifest that which shall cause the hearts and souls of men to soar in the limitless immensity of Thy love, and to commune with Thy Spirit. Strengthen me through the power of Thy sovereignty, that I may turn all created things towards the Day Spring of Thy Manifestation and the Source of Thy Revelation. Aid me, O my Lord, to surrender myself wholly to Thy Will, and to arise and serve Thee, for I cherish this earthly life for no other purpose than to compass the Tabernacle of Thy Revelation and the Seat of Thy Glory. Thou seest me, O my God, detached from all else but Thee, and humble and subservient to Thy Will. Deal with me as it beseemeth Thee, and as it befitteth Thy highness and great glory.”

Ya Baha’ul-Abha!

Review

Ok, I think I need to review what life is about. (The following is not preaching, but rather my own attempt to crystallize my own beliefs.)

Let’s start with the big picture. God is the source of everything. God is the only thing that is actually real and absolute. He is independent. Everything else is derivative in some way. All creation comes from God. Why is there creation at all then if God has no need of it? Well, God created souls. The purpose of souls is to awaken to the truth, unfold to embrace the light of the spirit, and grow ever closer to God. Souls live forever. Forever is what happens after this life, because after we die our soul lives on for eternity. That eternity is the true purpose of our lives, the fulfillment of our existence. In the worlds to come we grow ever higher into His light, we worship Him and love Him, we mingle like atoms of light in an infinite sky. We cannot yet imagine that existence but it is the true life life, the real, actual existence to which this life is but a prelude.

So why not just step in front of a bus and get this (extremely) painful and drawn out prologue over with? Especially those of use that believe in that Kingdom to come, those of us that long to feel His presence, those of us that yearn to glide over the flowered fields of His endless love for all eternity? Why persist with this life?

Well, like it or not, it turns out this life is vitally important. Baha’u’llah introduced the metaphor of a child developing in his mother’s womb as an illustration of the purpose of this earthly existence. The child cannot yet imagine what lies beyond and cannot even understand how the qualities he is developing will be applied in the context of his coming existence. Still he absorbs and digests and transforms and grows rapidly. He develops material capacities which he will use in the material world. If he is properly cared for and develops in a healthy womb he will emerge into this earthly plane possessing all the capacities necessary for every victory on every level of earthly existence.

So this world is like a womb for our souls in which they develop in preparation for the life to come, acquiring spiritual capacities in place of the material. Unlike the child in the womb, however, we have free will. We are responsible for our own progress. We aren’t the source of it though. Like mirrors we can either reflect the light of God or turn away from it or cover our faces. The light, however, is one, and it is the source of all good, all joy and peace. It is air, water, food, and shelter. It is all we need and so much more! It is what our heart of hearts longs for! Once the light enters into us it energizes our being and causes us to grow and develop in a great diversity of ways, but the light is one.

The source of this light is Baha’u’llah. He is the Supreme Manifestation of God and God's Messenger to humanity for this day and age. He is God and He is God’s humble servant, as are all God’s Manifestations. Through the person of Baha’u’llah, through His life, through His words, through the system He established, through the radiance of His Eternal Being, the light of God shines on us in one pure and indivisible ray. Through Him the light of God is transmitted from the unreachable, the unimaginably lofty and exalted Source straight through infinite space to every single soul, every wisp of time that is the life of a soul on Earth. Only Baha’u’llah transmits the complete and flawless truth and Will of God for humanity in this Dispensation. He is the source of life for all mankind. His healing elixir is the only cure for the terminal disease of the spirit which afflicts us. His teachings and His laws are the path to peace and security for all mankind. Love of Him is the key to existence. Obedience to Him is the structure within which true life, the life of the spirit, may flourish. Service to Him is the conduit through which pure intention becomes spiritual action, transforming the servant and all he touches with his service. Longing for Him is the fire that burns away the veils of blindness and fries the sticking barnacles of worldy desire. Trust in Him and reliance upon Him is the soul’s impenetrable shield of protection from every storm and biting wasp and invisible virus of this age.

We are like plants. We must focus on our own growth, our own integrity, the depth and firmness of our roots, the loftiness and receptivity of our leaves and branches, the hardness of our bark, the fragrance of our blossoms. We must strain toward the light with all our might. We must focus all our energies on producing pure and heavenly fruits. We must strive to achieve a form that reflects His beauty, His grace, His glory.

God will take care of all the rest. He will shine the light of the Sun upon us. He will cause the clouds to rain down on us. He will give us earth to spread our roots in. He will protect us from all dangers. Above all, He has already, from eternity, established His glorious Kingdom. This is the world in which the growing trees of our souls are developing and being nurtured by Him. This is the true reality and it holds our true identity. The world of spirit is our true home. We are in it now, all of us, though some of us are oblivious. Even those of us that know of the spiritual reality only very rarely glimpse a flash of it.

All of this is true and it is happening right now! It is wonderful! How grateful I am to be awake and aware of the truth! How thankful I am to somehow have recognized Baha’u’llah! Alas, I am swimming in the dark waters of this world, trying to get through each day, trying to find my way. Writing this is an attempt to find my way, to fight back against the forces of entropy that dig and claw at me and drag me down ceaselessly! Something dark and restless lives in my heart and drives me every which way but into His open arms! Something in me loves this dust heap of a world and forgets the world of light. Something in me thirsts for the bitter wine of the mortal cup and spurns the ocean of His Presence. Something in me seeks to forage on the jungle floor instead of soaring high above the mountains.

‘Abdu’l-Baha stated very clearly that the soul is at any time either progressing or falling back. There is no in between. Oh, how high I could have soared by now! How I have failed! Failed! I feel as if I could dissolve into nothingness at the thought of my countless failures. So many opportunities wasted. So many souls I could have guided, but I did not. So many noble services I could have given. Instead I served my fleeting desires. Were it not for His mercy and forgiveness I would be rightly cast off as a stunted growth, bearing too little fruit of too low quality, decaying as much as it grows, diseased.

He is Most Merciful, however, and He is Ever-Forgiving. So now, at age 32, looking back on a life so far in which I have wandered far into the wilderness and failed to serve Him and earn the title: Baha’i, follower of Bah’u’llah, I have another chance. There is potentially 50 or 60 years of my life yet unlived. What will I do with it? All mystical questions and all understanding of the bigger picture of His Cause must be distilled down to this one question: what am I going to do with the time allotted to me?

That’s a question I have to take a closer look at than I have. I have to try to see it in a fresh way. I must not despair! I cannot settle for less than the straight path that leads to the ultimate victory! I will not! What is that path? What is it not? How can I walk it? What must I do? How do I start? How do I really walk that path in my daily life, in all the nitty-gritty and grind of this toilsome existence? What can I do to help myself along that I have not done enough of or have not done at all? How do I travel from this place of words and hopes to a place of action and accomplishment?

I must pray for the answer. I must pray even when I don’t want to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I’m feeling too distracted or too lazy or not in the mood to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I don’t know how to do it right or what exactly I’m doing, which is pretty much all of the time.

I must start somewhere and go from there.

When I Wake Up

(Hey, I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago but then I deleted it a bit after I wrote it for some dumb reason. I just realized it was still on my "flog blog" on Facebook so I retrieved it from there. All is well again.)

Hi again friends. I'm fadin' out a bit here and that's a very good thing. I can't tell what a pain it has been lately to try to change my sleep schedule from total vampire (4am-1pm) to normal (12am-9am). I thought I had it and then I got all screwed up again. last night I slept through my alarm clock going off right next to me--all three levels of increasing frequency of beeps! It really screwed up some plans.

Can I just tell you that I am one horrible sleeper? I have NEVER as long as I can remember had a regular, consistent, healthy sleep schedule or the dietary equivalent. this has got to stop! but the eating thing, oh an that's tough here. i mean shopping for food is a pain. I'm getting, like, NO fresh vegetable from my current restaurant diet, so I gotta do something.

Anyways, what was on my mind was that moment when I wake up. Like many of you probably, I wake up and immediately go into some thought process, usually not important. Sometimes I'm just continuing from where i left off before I managed to slip through the cracks of my thoughts into sleep.

What I want to do is this: as soon as I realize I'm awake, immediately say a prayer, maybe this particular morning prayer I have memorized, and keep saying it until it's the first conscious thing I did of the day. The words of the prayer were the first words in my mind that day. the prayer was my first thought and my first action.

Being willing to do this and actually doing it would have a powerful affect on me I think. When I wake up and immediately grab hold of some thought about my life and things of the world that means I can't bear not to be attached to those things. it means I'm afraid to fall into Baha'u'llah's arms before I take a look down there to see where I'll be falling. It means I'm thinking about it, assessing it, making sure it's the thing I want to do, comparing it with other things. It means I'm doubting. It means I'm distracted and preoccupied. It means I don't really want to be with God.

All of this meaning just from not making prayer the very first thing I do? It's because that moment of decision lies right there at the beginning. Waking up is like being born in a way. It's coming out of nothingness or another life or something, coming out of a separation. In that first moment, before I have time to calculate and give myself the same old tired reasons why I do the things I do, why I continue on with my life as it is, I have a chance to just grab onto the cord of love and reliance and nothingness before God! If I grab on then and take firm hold and pray more and read the Word more and meditate more, maybe I'll be able to hold onto that cord all day!

I'm just asking myself these days: how much more do I have to suffer, how much more of this am I going to put myself through before I give up? I mean, there's no way I'm going back to oblivion and forgetting God, so until I really make my life all about Him I'm just stuck here in this limbo. I feel like I just need to make some leap inside me somewhere, my heart has to jump off a cliff with clouds below it. Attachment to things that never fail to bear worthless, worthless fruits! Subtle doubts and inertia that isn't always conscious holding me back, keeping my heart in this grey fog of nowhere. I, me, mine. All the attachments, all the opinions, all the desires, all the passing lusts, all the worries and anxieties, all the cravings and urges and habits and all that stuff. All of it! It's all BALONEY! I AM JUST SO SICK OF IT ALL!

I've got to pursue every opportunity to draw nearer to God, to feel His presence, to be animated by Him, and filled with His spirit. More than ever before, I find it the only thing that can give me any rest or happiness. All else is utter misery. I don't fear that darkness though, because i know I can put it behind me forever! Say a prayer for me please! That I will finally get over that hill that has been in my view for years and years! On the other side is a golden valley filled with fruits that will give me the ability to truly serve others and will fill my heart with peace!

I'm 32 years old and I have the opportunity to start my true life now! if I don't do it now I feel I may never do it. I really do. This time is very important to me. i have to transform my life. if I don't it really might never happen, or it might be another 10 years. If you ever will pray for me, please pray for me now!

Words, words, words

Hey all. I actually posted a week ago but then deleted it. I guess I was thinking it was too much rambling or inner thoughts that others might not have interest in. I thought maybe I should streamline the blog a little bit to make it more interesting. Then I got an amazing email from a friend I haven’t heard from in ages responding to that post. It’s too late to retrieve the post though. Well, that taught me my lesson. I won’t deleting anything anymore.

Anyways, so…..the other week I saw a Korean guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Death Frequency Narcotic.” I just thought that was the most intense and dark phrase I had heard in a while. I don’t know if it’s a band name or a lucky jumble of words. There are lots of t-shirts here that say really random things. For example, I just bought a t-shirt that says “Look at the facts, multi holder.” There’s a picture of a pair of glasses below the caption. I like it.

Been spending a lot of time alone lately. I don’t mind it so much. I like being with people but I like being alone too. I would feel better if I were more productive, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been transferring my entire CD library to iTunes which is taking forever. It’s cool to see all my music laid out though and to have such easy access to it. iTunes has been good to me too. I’m subscribed to many cool podcasts, such as “A Baha’i Perspective,” in which the host interviews Baha’is from all different countries and walks of life (being in a foreign country makes me notice cool English phrases like “walks of life”) and another one that teaches me how to beat-box!

I’ve also discovered some new bands that have rocked my world. In fact, I’ve discovered a whole new genre that I love and just fits like a glove. It’s a type of rock music called “Shoegaze.” It’s generally kind of dark or somber but also full of depth and beauty and emotion. It’s characterized by many harmonious sounds coming together to form a “wall of sound.” It’s called shoegaze because the guitarists are concentrating so much or are so shy and introspective that they’re looking down the whole time they perform. The quintessential shoegaze band is My Bloody Valentine. I can’t believe I haven’t listened to them before. Their album “Loveless” is a revelation! It’s like swimming in sound, coming across beautiful, lonely, haunting mermaids and seeing blurry seascapes coming in and out of focus through the waves. I’ve also discovered another band, actually an artist, that makes me feel the same way. His name is M83 and his album “Saturday=Youth” is really just so wonderful. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve fallen in love with new albums—not just liked but fallen in love with.

I’ve also rediscovered artists I had been out of touch with. I’ve always loved the electronic music of Autechre but for 15 years I only had 3 albums. I just got a bunch more of their stuff and it’s A-MAZ-ing. I got my favorite from back in the day: KLF! (is gonna rock ya) I discovered Jack Johnson, who I love and, like everyone else, want to be. I also discovered The Verve. WOW! They are just so wonderful. I love The Verve!

There’s also cool radio stations on iTunes, like one that has awesome Drum ‘n Bass and another one that Lex turned me onto which is all actual recordings of radio broadcasts from the 1920s, commercials and all! I love that stuff!

Anyways, what else…I got an iPod shuffle, which is awesome. I got a sweet cell phone (finally.) Not that anyone calls me much yet, but not having much of a social life is par for the course at this point. I’m reading “Tuesdays With Morrie,” which is really awesome and spiritual. A coworker who is also very awesome and spiritual (and who I’ve shared the Faith with some and hope she wants to know and see more) gave it to me as a late birthday present.

Oh and tens of thousands of people in Sichuan province, China--where I used to live!—are mourning the loss of their beloved children and husbands and wives and parents and family members and friends. Tens of thousands of people in Myanmar are doing the same thing. And in Sudan. And in Iraq. Excuse me but DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! Have you seen the photos coming out from the earthquake zone? Well you should. We should all see the evidence of the suffering that is crushing and haunting millions of our fellow humans. We need to see the truth. This world is in trouble. We may see the peril more clearly during our lifetimes. Things are getting worse and they will continue to get worse until we can no longer bear it. This is the darkness before the dawn.

Nevertheless here I remain in my shell of comfort and self-absorption. Sometimes I want to burn away my soul in the fire of sacrifice and love, to be dust beneath the feet of others, to see and hear and feel only my Lord. Other times I just want to be left alone. What can be done about this weakness? It’s amazing to think of how the next world will be and how this world is. Is there any contrast between two things in this world that can allude to it? It seems entirely natural that I should wish to be quit of this world and to soar up into my true home, yet there are decades and decades to go. I wish the Kingdom for all of us, for all the victims of disaster and crime. But we must wait. We must do all we can while we are here. God has chosen to establish His Kingdom here on Earth as well, but it will not be accomplished through miracles. It is being built by people. People like me, especially me because, unlike most people, I recognize the Manifestation of God for this age: Baha’u’llah.

It’s an exciting opportunity but also an overwhelming one, and I usually feel the latter more than the former. It’s just annoying. My mind is annoying and my heart is annoying. I want to feel focused all the time but so often I just feel the need to retreat. I don’t know.

I was just checking out this book online. It’s called “The Sociopath Next Door.” A sociopath is basically a person who has absolutely no conscience. Maybe they never have. I’m not sure. Anyways, the author says that studies have shown that it is likely that 4% of Americans are sociopaths. That’s 1 in every 25! That is terrifying! It sure would explain a lot though. Can it really be that many, that many people in the world? I can’t understand it. If you have no conscience then how is your soul at all connected to your body? Not sure where I’m going with this. Just was pretty arresting.

I think I’ve drained my brain for now. Thanks for reading! Love you, whoever you are!

More Things I Like About Being in Korea

- They wash your hair after they cut your hair here, so it washes away all the little cut hairs. Plus, a good haircut only costs $6. (So I had to tip the lady even though they don't expect tips anywhere here.)

- I can still watch Iron Man in a movie theater!

- Random kids offer conversation starters like "Where is the frog?"

- I'm about to have my first iPod. It'll come in real handy for jogging.

- I live alone. I just realized I've always lived alone in China or Korea, but never, ever in America. Weird, but it makes total sense.

- I'm going to have a cellphone soon. It will take good quality pictures, which will solve two problems. 1- I won't have to buy a camera. 2- When I want to take pictures I'll actually have a camera with me. I was the worst about never having my camera with me when I needed it. I also didn't own a camera for ages. Sometimes I wish there were more pictures to remind me of times past. There's almost nothing, not counting family photo albums. Ah well. I'll probably get to watch the whole movie of my life after i die, complete with what other people are thinking and feeling and how my actions rippled out into their lives and the lives of countless people I've never met.

- I've finally really discovered Skype and all its glories. Soon I'll have a web cam and that will highly rock. Can't wait to talk to my nephew and nieces with that! Who knows if I would have gotten around to that in the States.

- It's still way cool that I get to hang with Lex here after hanging with her at Bosch and Evergreen. I always wanted to hang with a friend from the States in a foreign country that we're both living in. Check that off the list.

- I don't have to worry about rent or a car. Plus, all my bills come out of my paycheck. I love it. I'll have to keep up with my pay-as-you-go cellphone and my credit card debt back home but that is it baby!!!

- I'm blogging again.

- My bed is sufficiently hard, something that was almost impossible in the States.

- I'm not hearing or talking about politics, sports, and other things that just cause me stress without giving me much in return, and which I don't have any real affect on.

- I have no TV!!!

- I just uninstalled all the computer games off my computer! If they're there I'll never stop playing them. If they're not I'll just do other things. I'm weird like that. Happens with food too.

- I can't understand a word of what's being said on advertisements, both written and spoken! It's a peaceful, easy feeling.

- I've been able to teach the Faith some already! I realized two things. 1-I'm out of practice. 2-I've got to teach myself more before I can teach much to others.

- There's a spicy, chewy snack here called Dokboki. It's delightfully chewy, quite spicy, and yummy tasty good! The kids are crazy about it, Actually everyone seems to love it. It's a traditional snack. Very Korean. It's basically these chewy pasta-like gobs of dough in a spicy, red sauce.

- I have lots of spare time and my job isn't stressful. I can just screw around in that time, OR I can do lots of productive things like prayer, reading Baha'u'llah's writings, meditating, exercising, studying Korean, reading other Baha'i writings, learning how to be a better teacher, keeping in touch with family, and much, much more!!!!

- I can get real bread right across the street from my work! (As long as I just want a baguette.)

- I'm slowly but surely figuring out this teaching thing. I think I like doing it this way, though the schedule can't be long term. I don't know if I'm really made for teaching back in the States, at least not normal teaching. Teaching ESL to Asian kids could really be my bag though. It's nice to feel that I may be on my career track, or at least that a career track exists in what I'm doing! I can just be doing it for a while and then decide I'm making it into a career. That feels more sustainable than most stuff I've done for work.

- God is with me wherever I go! Closer than my life-vein!