Getting Up to Date

this seems a little new. i came to write in my blog simply because i have a desire to write, not becuase i have some particular stuff i want to express or vent or because i want to connect with people. i just want to write--put words on the page and see where they take me. that's actually not been a standard feeling for me at all for a long time. i've always known that writing is perhaps the most effective way for me to express my stuff and work through it and be creative but it always took something else on top of just writing to get me to do it. why is that? one thing i know is that i've always had this concern with doing things that have no result. it's one of those totally irrational anxieties that is also incredibly ironic considering the collosal amount of time i have spent doing things that are basically different ways of frittering away the day.

it's like this: i know i'm not doing enough to change the world and myself for the better, so if i spend much time just writing and being creative and that kind of thing i'll become invested in something that isn't a "service" or "important." so i'll turn away from that to more serious things like thinking about life, solving the riddle of the cosmos, going out to make a difference in some way. but i really want to be creative but push that down for now. but i don't know how to make a difference, how to change the world. but i must. well, i know what i have to do. i'm clearly just too weak to do it. there's something wrong with me. if only i could find it and root it out. in the meantime i'll save myself from total panic and perpetual anxiety attacks by escaping into games, sports, TV, and what have you. the world won't go away but it won't be solved. it's like a rubix cube that's wrapping itself around my mind, becoming more conviluted the more i grapple with it. i can't handle it! so i'll go smoke some pot. now i'm really a pathetic loser. look at me. i wish i was chopped liver. better not think about that. smoke some more pot. watch some more sports. play some more video games. the days are passing. i'm moving away from myself but once i've escaped i find myself standing in the mirror once again. no escape, none but the knife or gun. but forget that--not an option. clearly stuck in a hole now. what was i trying to get to in the first place. truth. goodness. virtue. greatness. lost my shot at those things. what's left? if i can't be worthy i can be sure to hide myself from the gaze of those who will surely see me for the utter failure that i am. but that's everyone that matters. oh i'm in a pickle now. take me away please, restart me, squish me into a blob and start again PLEASE! but God won't listen. i keep waking up every day. keep waking up, dammit. the road is too long, too treacherous, too tortuous, too confusing, and i am just too damn depressed. turn in to the safety, the forgiveness, the love, the hope of my lady, my girl, my baby. oops, i slipped up. now she's gone. gone forever. nothing o hold on to now. falling....falling...falling out of my reality and itno the realization that i am one depressed, imobilized crazy man that needs to get his frickin life together cuz it aint gonna get any better unless i make it better. well, i'm depressed wnough to take medication. start the Lexapro. that makes it better. my brain's back on side of the good guys. leave all this swampy mess behind. do something completely and utterly new and different. go to China! everything's new, exciting. clean slate fresh start. living, learning. look at everybody looking at me! i'm a celebrity. i'm tall. i'm worth something. but China isn't my home. i can't stay here, not now. now that i feel like i can really do something with my life, i've got some stuff to prove to me, hurdles to jump, levels to reach, dragons to vanquish, magic items to find and use. maybe someday that whole process can go on in China or wherever but i gotta go back to my home and make it HAPPEN. make what happen? i dunno. find a profession that i enjoy; engage in the process of mastering something; get paid with benefits; take care of myself in "real life" as opposed to foreign guest in China life; do the things, such as writing, etc., that i feel called to do; build a healthy, balanced life for myself.

that's the challenge right now. so what emaotion do i feel about it all? FEAR. i'm afraid i will fail, everyone will see that i have no clue what i'm doing, i'll go left when i should go right, i'll trip and fall on my face, and stand in front of the judges and forget everything i ever learned. not to mention the fear that i already met and blew it with the girl(s) of my dreams and i'll eventually just settle for less. i also feel curiosity though. where am i going exactly? what will it be like when i arrive? who will i meet along the way? how hard or easy will it be? will i become happy, content? will i experience tragedy, cataclysm? will i someday feel like i've come close to fulfilling my potential? will i be a father and a husband? if so will i do good job or will i screw it up?

the other big feeling is impatience. i want to know the answer to these questions NOW! forget that--i want the resolution to all of it immediately! i'm sick of waiting! day after day after day. let's do this already! to a large extent i have significant capacity to speed things along. that's why i came back from China early, that's why i'm going with this teaching certification program and for becoming a teacher pronto instead of grad school (besides the fact i was starting to feel very doubtful about neing accepted.)

there are some areas, hoever, where impatience just doesn't pay, namely that of falling in love, having a female companion, and all that good stuff. after Kristen and i went north and south i found i was no longer consituted the same as before i was in a relationship for three years (or was it forever?) i have a really hard time being just Daniel On His Own these days. it's been 1.5 years but i'm still ancy. i was really ancy before, so i went out nd got a girl. oops, she's not the girl i want to be with. too late, i shattered her heart. tried to pick up the pieces and help her put it back together, but she preferred me to make myself scarce. so i did. got into a relationship with another girl, so wonderful she was (and is.) thank heavens we're still frinds. she wasn't the one for me either, nor was China the place i could stay. so i went east and she went west. now i still find myself looking for a girlfriend and behaving like an idiot sometimes as a result. no question, that will be great but it's like a big camel that's decided to take a rest and simply will not be moved by any force on Earth. keep trying and the only reaction i get is a faceful of camel spit. that camel, she's a good camel, and i'm sure we'll journey over this desert together for a long time. but right now i just gotta accept that she's takin a chill pill and gotta do some other stuff. not that i think girls are like camels. girls are beautiful, too beautiful. i just have this urge to put lots of energy into a relationship. habit? it's something to guard against, even if i do meet someone with whom sparks fly and stars align. i've learned that even when everything is lined up wonderfully in the beginning, things can end up worse than i ever imagined they could, and it was largely because of mistakes i made that i have the opportunity to not repeat. and that is simply life.

i could go on and on but--oops, did that already, but it's MY blog and i'll ramble as much as i darn well please! yes! this is fun. i like it. feels good. not as good as cheap 1.5 hour massages in China though. gosh i miss those! the lack of massages is seriously something we have to work together to correct in this country. if Bush had been pro-massage it would have really thrown a stick in the spokes for me. bye