Prison

I keep reaching out for my desires. I keep on with my craving of all those things my imagination builds up, all those earthly rewards that I hunger for, all those hopes I insist must realized. Despite all I have learned from Baha'u'llah, I cling doggedly to my cravings and aversions. I imagine the way I want things to be and feel elated when they turn out the way I want, dejected when they don't. I like to think that because of what I've learned from Him--because I understand the concepts--that I am watching the game of self and desire from a lofty remove.

The fact is, I am down in the muck! I am in the very thick of this tragic game of chasing mirages. I claim to be a follower of Baha'u'llah, a lover of God, but I love only myself! When it comes down to it, I do things because in some way they benefit me! I am in the prison of self. O God! I am so sorry! 16 years after discovering Thy truth and the path of Thy good pleasure I am no better than I was then. I have learned nothing! Nothing! I have accomplished so little. I have offered up so little to Thee. My mouth speaks the words of truth, of love and devotion, of unity and reunion with Thee, while my hands tightly grip the mortal cup of my own vain imaginings. I turn to others and sing Thy praises. Then I turn away and drain the cup of self. I am like clear but bitter water, seemingly pure but in fact defiled with selfish desire.

O Lord! 16 years ago I first read these words of Thine:

"O Son of Man!

If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

When first I read those words at the age of 16 I knew in my heart that they expressed my heart's inmost desire, that they summed up the whole purpose of my life. At that time I also read for the first time Thy words:

"O Son of Spirit!

There is no peace for thee save by renouncing thyself and turning unto Me; for it behooveth thee to glory in My name, not in thine own; to put thy trust in Me and not in thine own self, since I desire to be loved alone and above all that is."

I knew the truth of these words then. I knew then that they were the absolute truth. I knew from the beginning what my heart truly desired, what Thou hadst destined for me, the purpose for which Thou created me, what would lead me to light and peace and fulfilment, and what would lead me to pain, loss, and regret. From the very beginning I knew the way so clearly! Every step of the way was mapped out in paths of light on my heart, yet I failed to walk in Thy path! I took up two handfuls of dust and blotted out Thy gifts! I failed Thee!

Even now I walk about in a trance. In a few days I will enter the 34th year of my life. Years pass away, one after the other, with increasing swiftness. Year after year I stand before Thee, at the very shore of the ocean of reunion with Thee. I stand with my back turned to Thee and all my being focused on the mortal cup in my grasp. With the waters of Thine eternal grace lapping up around my feet I cannot tear my gaze away from my worthless desires! With the waves whispering Thy call to me I listen only for the coming of the mirages of my selfish passions! Oh God! Help me! I'm dieing! No, I am as one dead. I am but a ghost. I am powerless to escape this darkness. I have nothing. I am nothing. Everything I would use is but an instrument of my own desires. Every grand idea is but another outgrowth of ego. Every antidote I apply is infected with self. Every escape plan I devise just leads me around in circles!

Long ago I first recognized the truth of these words of Thine:

"O Son of Being!

With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof."

I knew then and have known for every day of the 16 years since, my Lord. I have known clearly but I failed to act. I was afraid. I couldn't bear to let go of this world. I knew Thy truth yet I couldn't bring myself to trust Thee! I knew the way but I wouldn't make my feet move one in front of the other to walk it! I recognized the poisons and drank them with relish!

It's all like a dream. My whole life is a dream, a mirage. I see not the souls of others. I see only what they can give me, as much as I seek to convince myself otherwise. I don't really love anyone because I don't know how to love. I don't even know what love is. I can't see it or feel it or even smell it. It's as Thou said:

"O My Friend In Word!

Ponder awhile. Hast thou ever heard that friend and foe should abide in one heart? Cast out then the stranger, that the Friend may enter His home."

After all these years I have still not cast out the stranger. The Friend still waits outside to enter His home. How patient is the Friend! How merciful! How forgiving! How long He waits, waiting for this one soul, this one who is as a spec of less than nothing before Him, to prepare my heart for Him and invite Him in! After all this time He has not abandoned me! For 16 years He has waited. It's almost beyond belief, but somehow I have not lost my chance.

I need Thy help, O My Lord! I feel so weak. I feel incapable of doing what I must do. I feel so tainted and diseased. It seems everything of me comes out of ego and nothing escapes the mesh of my desires! How can I escape this prison? O Lord! I want to die in Thee! I want Thou to live in me! You ask but one thing of me: to give myself to Thee entirely. O Lord, enable me to really do it! I'm as ready as I'll ever be right now! Destroy me! Let nothing remain! Fill me up, O Lord, and do with me what Thou willest! Burn out from me all traces of self and desire! Enable me to acheive the victory, O Lord, for love of Thee, in the light of nothingness before Thee, returning to Thee, dieing and burning away and disappearing in Thee, growing and learning and teaching in Thee, singing and flying and being born in Thee.

Love

I've got everything and nothing to say, as ever I do, so I guess I don't really know what's on my mind but I feel I need to write. I guess what matters is what's on my heart. The problem is that matters of the heart don't take shape in my mind in a very crystal clear way. I guess that's one of the main things about the next world that I so look forward to, the chance to finally know what I was really feeling all this time! To know what exactly I've been longing for and why. I really wonder if I'll be as curious as I think I will be or if everything will so transformed that it'll be like thinking of life in the womb. You can only dwell on that so much and then you've covered it.

I know what I'm longing for actually. I just want to love and be loved. Seriously, if that's all there was in my life and everything--everything!--else was stripped away I think I would be fine. Love is so mysterious. It is the measureless ocean that endlessly yields its waters to an unquenchable thirst, the supreme state of being that transcends all else, the ultimate goal that diminishes all the loftiest aspirations, yet at the same time it is like a wisp of fragrance floating on the air, always seeming to be only the faintest trace of its source, and at other times it is like the starry sky, filling me with wonder and delight, but leaving me cold and lonely in my far remoteness.

This longing...I barely feel worthy to feel it at all. I could be doing so much more to show my love to God! "Let deeds not words be your adorning." So much of my time I spend escaping from the pain of reality, because reality is the pain of loneliness! I feel like I need so much love, almost like I'm greedy for it. I want it so much! I want so much of it! I want to swim in love and never reach the bottom! Just keep going and going forever!

I don't just want to take love, though. I want to give it too! All I want to do is give love! It's all I want to do all the time! I spend so much time alone but all I want to do is serve others. I swear I just need other people to tell me what to do and I'll do anything, as long as it feels right. If it's a chance to give and receive love then what is there to think about? Just do it! If only all my life could be the expression of love! If only every action I take, every breath were somehow part of giving and receiving love.

Love is an ocean whose depths have no end, and the farther down you swim the lighter and brighter and more true and free everything becomes. Love is an open sky filled with the breath of the Best Beloved and the birdsong of His eternal Kingdom! Love is a rose ever blooming, ever opening and unfurling its petals for all eternity! Love is so wonderful, so, so precious!

Nothing is of greater value than love, yet in my life I have let it slip away so many times. I was holding onto love. I was in the arms of love! Yet I didn't appreciate what I had. I neglected and abused love. I was a blind fool, or at least that's how it feels. I was young. Now in my late blooming I can finally see clearly, but what fate awaits me? How much loneliness does my Lord wish me to endure? What is truly the way out of loneliness and into love?

I guess the first key to drinking from the cup of love is to truly love others and to feel love for others all the time. The problem for me has been that love has always felt so much like a flash, a spark of spirit that could only be contained within this reality for a moment or two before it winged its way to His Kingdom. Can those sparks kindle a constant flame? Can I feel love burning throughout my being all the time? Can I stoke it enough and receive enough sparks of the spirit to really start a blazing fire? Could that fire grow into a great bonfire and ignite the hearts of others?

I know the answer is yes. I have no doubt, yet I have this fear, so difficult to place, so hard to translate into words. It's like I'm in this prison cell of ego, cut off from the world--not the world...but cut off from the souls of others, cut off from the spiritual world, severed from His presence. In this prison I am truly alone. No soul can enter into or even approach this space of selfish desire, not even my own. There is an open window in the cell offering escape, but I'm too afraid to jump out of it. I even feel like I don't know how. I know if I jump out of there I can't count on anyone catching me. I don't know how much help or what kind of help I'll get. I just know I'll be falling. I just know I'll be putting myself out there, giving my all, opening my heart, exposing myself to the cruelty and heartbreak of this world. I'll be giving of my heart and soul. What will others give to me? I'll be sacrificing my all for others. Will others sacrifice for me? I'll be dedicating my life to selfless service. Will others serve me? I'll be truly loving others with all my heart, loving their beautiful, precious souls, loving the light radiating from deep within them. Will they love me in return? It's like doing a trust fall. Will the people in my life catch me if I really do it, if I really fall back with my eyes to the heavens? If there aren't enough arms to catch me, strong enough to hold me, will I crash into the earth? Will I smash and destroy myself? Will I die of a broken heart?

Will you catch me if I fall Lord? If I open my heart will you fill it up? It is not my place to question Thee, I know, nor to seek assurances before I commit to Thee. I can only pray to Thee. I can only beseech Thee to help me to consecrate my entire being to Thee, my Lord. O Lord, I beg Thee to give me the strength and confidence that I do not feel within me now! I beg Thee to open wide the doors of service that I may see my opportunities clearly and seize them swiftly! At this time in my life, O lord, I know not how to best serve Thee. I want in my heart to do all I can for Thy Cause but I am held back by my weakness and selfish habits and by my lack of vision. There is a cloud before my eyes that obscures the path Thou hast laid out before me, the path of sacrifice to Thee, the path of emptying myself before Thee, the path of, at long last, being filled with Thy love. O my Lord, I beseech Thee to blow away this cloud with one breath of They mercy. Help me to do all I must do in order to truly walk this path. O Lord, help me to overcome my loneliness! Help me to truly love others at all times and under all conditions! Help me to find the way to loving Thee, truly, deeply, with not the slightest wish to turn back, with all there is of me! Please help me to feel the warmth of love, my Lord, to travel through the waters of Thine Ocean of love as I move through the days of this earthly life. O Lord, I beg Thee! Give me the chance to pour out the river of love that flows through my heart into the hearts of others. Strengthen my foundations that I will never fail to be kind and loving, that I will seize with heavenly zeal every chance to give love to others and, if Thou willest it, recieve love from them.

O Lord, do you wish me to have a wife some day? Do you wish me to have children? I have hurt hearts greatly in the past and my own heart has been hurt so terribly! Nevertheless, I know that I could give and receive love with my family even more than with other people! If in Thy wisdom, and in Thy great plan, Thou wishest to bestow such a wondrous and precious gift upon me, I will be grateful beyond measure and I will strive to recognize it as a gift from Thee, a beautiful, wonderful, growing tree of the life of Thy Kingdom, a treasure that Thou hast entrusted to me, but which belongs to Thee forever. I know not what Thou hast destined for me. I beg Thee, my Lord, to make me patient and wise and to aid me to rely on Thee alone, to seek only Thee, and to be utterly content with whatsoever descends upon me from The heaven of Thy will. Thou art the Goal of my desire and of the yearning of all Thy creatures! I beg Thee to take me into Thine arms, and to forgive me, unworthy as I am, and to purify and cleanse me, wretched as I am, and to nurture me and hold me close! All praise, all love, all glory be unto Thee! All of my heart of hearts is for Thee!