I've been so busy lately that I really haven't had the combination of time, energy, and thoughtfulness needed for blogging. Even now I really should be going to bed, but, hey! the things I want to talk about here shouldn't always take 3 hours to express! I need to learn how to let my thoughts and feelings out little by little. It's all part of the process. Even if I sit here and blog for ten hours I'm not going to come to the Conclusion. Ultimately the problems of my life boil down to basic truths. I'm sure it would help to state them here.
So one of my problems is that I'm really sensative to how my actions affect the feelings of others. I wonder if I said the right thing, did the right thing. Did I offend them at all? Rub them the wrong way? Give their soul a noogie? Sometimes it's impossible to know, too subtle to detect or ask about.
I have another problem which is connected to this I think. I depend on others too much perhaps. When I get by myself I have a really hard time being productive and motivated. When I'm with others I feel the life flowing through them, through me. I feel the connection, the meaning. Life makes sensewhen I'm with other people, but when I'm alone I'm often just passing the time or doing just the basic things I have to do.
Both of these have to do with being too attached to the world and not attached enough to God. I need detachment. Detachment can cure the oversensativity problem. Only if I have my heart set on God will I have the composure, the desire, and the will to let my heart burn with loving-kindness towards all who cross my path. Only then will I really make my best effort to serve them, to show them love, to brush away all dark thoughts. Only when I see the unity of God reflected in His handiwork can I be that way with total sincerity. Then I can know that I'm making the efforts that my heart knows are right and good. Then I'll feel no shame or regret. Others will benefit from my words and actions, but they will all be directed to God through His servants. They will all be part of sustaining the link between me and God, and it must be sustained and supported throughout the day or it will break. As with anything (such as prayer), at first it may seem laborious and not natural, instinctual, but doing little things throughout the day as part of my relationship with God will bring Him, slowly but surely, into focus in my daily life. Finally I will reach a point where I do all I must do to sustain and strengthen my relationship with God as a second nature. I will see Him clearly manifested before me. I will speak to Him and hear His voice. I will feel the warmth and see the light of His radiance!
What must be done to build up and sustain this link? That's for another time, but I can start out by saying that prayer, obedience, virtue, and consistent, daily effort are at the root of it.
What about the problem of being like a little puppy dog that starts going nuts when it's alone for too long? The same solution. The only way I'll free myself from being blown about on the winds of circumstance is to engage in the relationship with God, laborious and one-sided and clumsy as it may feel at first. Only through communion with Him can I gain independance from the world and all its peoples. Then I can stop worrying about getting all the love I want from them and be filled from the inner wellspring of His love within me. Then I can focus on really loving, really serving, really listening, really seeing others! When I crave for my own selfish desires, even if they be for good things like love and gentle care, my desire blinds me! How can I see the truth when I am chasing the products of my imagination! I must have faith that that God is here! That He will respond! That the reality of His spiritual Kingdom is far better for me than whatever I've put up on a pedastel in my mind and heart!
I must not be discouraged! Finding the link with Him, taking hold of it, finding it again, strengthening it, beign cleansed and purified by it, being filled from it, having my eyes and ears and mouth and nose and hands opened up--all these things take time. I must be grateful, so much more than I now am! How blessed--how undeservingly!--I am to recognize Baha'u'llah, to be able to read His words, to have the chance to consecrate myself to His will, to devote myself to Him entirely! Nothing can approach this goal in worthiness. It is the supreme purpose of my life and its execution embraces everyhour of the day, every circumstance of life, everything within and without me! Every moment, no matter what, holds the chance for me to draw nearer to my Lord.
Why hesitate? It's a good question. I there's no worthwhile reason, but there are a myriad reasons that I allow myself to be convinced by every day. I need to take a close look at what they are....another time.
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