Darn...

I passed up a golden opportunity to teach the Faith tonight. I had been spending time with some coworkers out to dinner, etc. After a while the others left and it was just me and one of the Korean teachers from my work finishing off our drinks. We had talked about the Faith and religion a bit earlier in the evening. That was THE time to bring up spiritual matters again and just learn where she's coming from, what she's searching for, ar least just listen to her story if not discuss the Faith.

It didn't even occur to me! After all the spiritual thoughts in the blog last night, after talking to her about the Faith earlier and sensing receptivity I just chit chatted about this and that, it got a little quite and we picked up and left. Right after she turned to go her way I realized my folly. Dammit!

Knowing that I missed an opportunity at all is progress I guess. Who knows when or if we'll be in that situation again. I guess I just have to keep on going. Just do my best, be my best. I'm sure I've squandered countless opportunities just like that since I became a Baha'i in 1993! Most of them I either wasn't aware of or wasn't confident enough to sieze. So I guess spacing out and being in a selfish trance and then coming out of it and realizing that I wasn't thinking about Baha'u'llah or the other person's well-being is a part of coming out of the Big Trance that lasts all day long every day. A sign of real change is realizing that you're doing something that you had previously been oblivious of, right?

I don't remember the feeling being so potent before. I may have lost my chance to really help her in a huge way to grow and find her heart's desire! I may have more golden opportunities or I may not. Not one can be taken for granted. I hope this feeling is the beginning of embracing the responsiblity that comes with the great privelage I've been given.

Tomorrow I'll attend Common Ground, the local Baha'i fireside/discussion group that goes on every Saturday or so. That will be cool. Then on Sunday I'll start attending a Book 3 study circle. That's all about teaching Baha'i children's classes. Fits well for me since I'm working with kids. I really want to spend as much time as possible with the local Baha'is.

One thing I learned last Sunday at the relfection gathering is that in Korea I'm not pioneering, not at all. They got their own thing going on here, they have a Local Spiritual Assembly here in Seoul, they have an Intensive Program of Growth going on here, they have new believers coming into the community, they have older believers getting fired up and trained in the Ruhi process. They've got it going on, and they speak Korean. I don't, so I can't tutor study circles in Korean do anything in Korean. I also can't attend most Feasts because I don't get off work until 9pm.

Korea doesn't need me in the way that China needed me. That's totally cool of course, and that doesn't necessarily mean that Korea isn't a good place for me to be. I have to remember that I'm here for the money. If it weren't for that I'd be in Chine right now. The money might keep me here for 2 years though, and during that time I might learn a lot of Korean and then who knows.

Other things could come up to keep me here too. I'm no professional teacher here by any means but I could become one. The pay is enough to make a real living no doubt, though the 3-9pm schedule isn't really tenable once kids come into the picture, nor is it great for being in a relationship or having a normal life and going to Feast and all that. It definitely works for now though!

Wife and kids. I'm starting to feel more detached about love than I have in ages. Ever since I was in my first big relationship from 2000-03, I've been obsessed about getting into another one. I've gotten in and out of too many and experienced some really, really rocky times as a result of my blind craving for love. I'll never have peace until I just let the whole thing go and accept whatever God sends me. No wife for this life? OK. No kids? Cool, whatever you want, God! No sex? No problem. No cuddling? Who needs it. Really, these things are great, but the craving for them is just another part of the bigger problem of the trance of self. It's another craving, another fear, another dream not of God. Another path into the wilderness. Throwing off the shackles of this world is the only way to peace and joy and fulfillment. The longing for romance and companionship is just another shackle, one of the most dangerous and insidious traps of all in fact because it's mixed up with a lot of noble sentiments. So it's one of the very toughest ones to leave behind. It's the ultimate drug. And it's harder for me, too, since I have been madly in love and drunk deep of love. In end however, it has blindly inclined me to error.

So anyway I'm gonna keep working on all this stuff but in the midst of it all I need to rapidly progress as a teacher. Winging it will simply not do this time! That's a challenge for me because wingng it is basically how I've been living my life for...all my life. I need to come to class prepared! I need to recognize what my students need and give it to them! I need to teach them in such a way that they enjoy the lessons and progress in English. I face the challenge that I continue avoiding ceaselessly: to work hard so that I am prepared andeffective in my work. Failure is not an option this time.

One of the other foreign teachers at my school is a "real teacher." She's going to move on to teaching elementary school at an international school this summer. She's so good. Really amazing. I'm just amazed at people who apply themselves so well, so consistently, who become truly excellent in their work. SHe makes me look like chopped liver, which is good. I'm lucky to have such an example. She's super busy though so I hope she'll have time in the future to teach me more of her magic. A few of the kids in my more advanced class used to have her as a teacher and I feel a little sensative to them. It's obvious they had a transformative experience with her and I'm kind of chopped liver to them too. I can't let it get to me too much though because I'm new to this kind of teaching--China, subbing, and Goodwill were definitely warmups but not the same type of teaching at all in many ways--and she's been teaching in Korea at this kind of school for like 6 years.

I love teaching kids and teens and spending time with them. I am sensitive to the pressure on me as a teacher to teach well though. If I don't do well the student suffers. Anyways, I'm commited to improving every week. The next two weeks are the last of the term and then we start a new one, though I'm not sure exactly what that entails. So these next two weeks are my time to really pull everything together and get honed. I'm up to it.