Friday, February 06, 2009


Hey there. Well it's been a while. Not sure if anyone still checks this blog, but I'm realizing that people reading it is not the main thing this blog is for. On the last post I wrote, "I'm a Writer." Well, that's true. I was on a creativity kick at that time and was thinking I need to write creatively and stuff. I don't need to do that but I probably do need to write blogs and stuff for the sake of my mental health. I'm always thinking like I'm blogging, thinking things out, telling the story of my life, my thoughts and feelings, to myself, but in my head it gets scrambled up so quick its hard to put it all together into something that makes sense, something that looks like a real insight or even a decision that I can hold onto.

Another difference between writing and thinking is that writing gives me this feeling that the thoughts and feelings are flowing out and going somewhere, that something is being done with them, that they're being processed. They're going out of wherever they were into a new place and in that there is some movement, some energy and growth. Just thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings keeps it all locked up and bouncing around inside. Not good.

Of course the main thing I want to do is to actually live life and to do all the things that I really want, in my heart of hearts, to do, but if writing can get me untracked and out of my mental spin cycle, then it's a good thing and a nurturing rain for the seed of action. Therapy is like that too, and medication. I could use both, especially the meds. A friend just told me about a hospital that has a great section for foreigners so I'm gonna go there for meds and some other ailments. She also told me about a clinic that provides therapy and medication. I'm not sure if I want or need therapy but it couldn't hurt. I probably could benefit from exercise and a healthy diet more than therapy!

Anyways, yeah it's definitely time for anti-depressants...I guess, I don't know. I don't what's going on up in my head. It's time to try them. It's not like I feel sad and anxious all the time but there's just something in me that's holding me back, something sapping me of energy and confidence, something keeping me from moving forward and seizing the day, something that makes me feel like I all I can do is take care of my basic responsibilities and I need to spend the rest of the time just escaping and resting, something that makes me feel overwhelmed by life and not able to get out of my apartment and face the world, something so afraid....

Something that has had its day and needs to go back to wherever it came from! I'm tired of this crap! If my brain chemistry is holding me back then let's take care of the brain chemistry and move on! There's too much I need to accomplish in this life, to much good to do, too many souls crying out in need of love and guidance, too many opportunities for service waiting for me to seize them. There's the whole Kingdom of God, all the angels of heaven, the whole surging force of spiritual life flowing, rushing forth from God, waiting for me to open up and let it flow through me! And here I sit, like I turtle with its head and legs all pulled in, afraid of what I might find if I stick my head out. Whatever it is it will be real, living, breathing, flowing, wonderfully burning spiritual life!

Really...why go on another moment like this? I don't like computer games, movies, and internet meanderings. I don't like them! I hate them! They are the devil. They are my drugs, my way of escaping reality and whittling away the hours meaninglessly. Such escapism is more death than life. I've consigned myself to this because I feel it's too hard to get out and meet people and serve people or to do things like exercise or study. It's just too damn hard to live this life of mine.

It's all so hard, so painful. So much effort, so much struggle and what is there ever to show for it? Is there happiness, joy? For fleeting moments and then its back to work. Keep striving, keep going, do your best, give everything! For what? That's the question I should be asking, because if I'm looking for some reward or for peace and satisfaction to take some tangible form that I can find in the physical world then I'm going to continue to be disappointed year after year. If I serve and strive and teach the Faith and selflessly do all I can for the Cause, for Baha'u'llah, for friends and family, for my students, for all who cross my path and hope for some expected results, or recognition, or for any reward, I will soon become disenchanted and run out of gas, as I always do, and then I will grind to a halt and start sinking into the mire, as I have so many times, and then I will fall into a slumber of negligence that will last for who-knows-how-much forsaken time.

I've got to ask myself right now: Is this what you want for your life, Daniel? Because only you can live your life. No one will live it for you. No miracle will occur to change the fabric of existence to be more in line with what would be convenient for you. This is it! This is your one shot to make a difference. This is your one chance to exercise your free will. What will you do? This life will pass, year by year, and you will find yourself decades down the road before you know it. What will you have to say for yourself then? What will you say when you've come to the end? Will you say, "I'm sorry. I failed. It was just too hard." Or will you say," Thank You Lord for having breathed in me the spirit of true life that has filled me and directed me to do Thy bidding all these years! Thank You Lord for giving my life purpose, for making me Thy instrument, for lifting my heart above the troubles and passions of this world into Thy realm of eternal peace! Thank You for loving me, for enabling me to love Thee and to love others, to feel this love so pure and bright and burning! Thank You for being there for me at all times and for giving me the strength to devote myself to Thee, body and soul! Thank You Lord for my life!"

I need to recognize this: when the end comes I will be saying one of those two things. I want it to be the latter. Life is too hard. It's too confusing and convoluted and crazy. It's insane. Life is painful. Life basically sucks. So why partake of it? Why drink from the bitter cup? Why, why, why? I mean if I want to go down the road of earthly pleasures I might as well stop pussyfooting and just go ahead and get addicted to heroine or something. Why hang out in limbo? Just choose a side, Daniel, and go that way with all your might. You want to escape into oblivion. Fine, go become a crack fiend! Otherwise....recognize that this world always leads you back to right where you are right now! Stuck in the muck and hating it!

I've tried this world and all it can ever offer me by now. It has nothing new to offer. Everything will just be a variation of the same theme: indulge yourself and sink into oblivion, or retreat in fear from the big scary world, or go get that thing you hunger for. Without those three things in my life the only thing left is God. There's not even me left after those three things are gone.

I'm tired, so tired. 32 years of this life is enough. Death is better than decades more of worldy desires, idle sloth, and all the ego-driven endeavors. It's all ashes and dust. It's worse than that. It's poison. It's horrible. I'm sick at the thought of it. I could die right now, going only into nothingness and darkness, and it would be better than this worthless vanity, this sick game, this prison of self. (No, suicide has not even crossed my mind, so don't worry. That's not the point.)

Baha'u'llah says:


There is no peace for thee save by renouncing thyself and turning unto me; for it behooveth thee to glory in My name, not in thine own; to put thy trust in Me and not in thyself, since I desire to be loved alone and above all that is.


If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

In the past I've succeeded in withdrawing from darkness and I've begun my ascent into the light but I always falter and fall. One reason is that once my feet are off the ground I feel so weak and vulnerable. I'm seperated from my comforts, all the illusory supports of material life, not receiving the stimulation I've relied on. I'm in withdrawel. I reach out to God and beg Him to satisfy this painful hunger with good things from Him, to fill this gaping hole with light, but that's not how it works! A junkie trying to kick heroine is not going to find joy and illumination in some other substance, some replacement, something that's OK because it's "good" and heroine's "bad." No! Spiritual life is something completely different from material life. The hunger and emptiness that I feel when I pull out of my comfort zone is not something that God will EVER satisfy or fill. The only thing for them is the pain of letting them die. That's the pain of the death of self. That's the pain that we cannot escape. Yet that pain need not linger on for all my life! I can deal with it now, go through the death of self, suffer the horrible fever, let the battle rage within, and when the fever breaks the evil will be gone! I must, of course, guard against letting it back in! But I will have acheived the victory over self in this life! In that process of healing, as my soul fights the infection of ego, glimpses of true joy will come to me, the clouds will slowly part and I will begin to taste true peace!

The battle may be long. The infection has spread throughout my being. The fever may be frightful. What does it matter? There's nothing left but to offer up my soul to the Divine Physician, to accept His diagnosis, to apply His remedy, and to take His medicine. That is all that is left to me. I cannot live like this anymore. I'm calling 911 right now. This is an emergency! I know He hears my call and He is sending paramedic teams of angels to save my soul. I won't resist the cure anymore. I don't care what it entails. I care nothing for my future or for any goal or interest or hope or opinion or possession or craving or aversion I've ever had or ever will have! They are, every single one of them, poison! I don't care what anybody thinks! I don't care if people think I'm a fanatic or a religious automaton or a whatever! I don't care about who I coulda, shoulda, woulda been! I don't care about my artistic talents or my potential for this or that. I don't care about wealth, security, happiness, satisfaction, liesure, comfort, or the fulfilment of any desire! Poison! All of it! As of this moment I'm throwing my entire life, past, present, and future in the furnace of God's will! Whetever is pure and praiseworthy will remain. Let the rest burn and begone! Good riddance! Goodbye to the putrid taste of it all in my mouth! Goodbye to the fetid odor of it all! Goodbye to the hatefulness and wretchedness of it all! Goodbye to the sinking melancholy and depression of it all! Goodbye to the selfish folly of it all!

Baha'u'llah says:


A dewdrop out of the fathomless ocean of My mercy I have shed upon the peoples of the world, yet found none turn thereunto, inasmuch as everyone hath turned away from celestial wine of unity unto the foul dregs of impurity, and, content with mortal cup, hath put away the chalice of immortal beauty. Vile is that wherewith he is contented.


Wherefore have not these soiled hands of thine touched first thine own garment, and why with thy heart defiled with desire and passion dost thou seek to commune with Me and to enter My sacred realm? Far, far are ye from that which ye desire.


Give ear unto this: Never shall mortal eye recognize the everlasting Beauty, nor the lifeless heart delight in aught but in the withered bloom. For like seeketh like, and taketh pleasure in the company of its own kind.


Be swift in the path of holiness, and enter the heaven of communion with Me. Cleanse thy heart with the burnish of the spirit, and hasten to the court of the Most High."

I can do this. It's what God put me here to do. The only alternative is a living death. There is no other way. It's going to take time. It's going to hurt a lot. But I will persevere, and this time when it hurts so much I feel I'm going to explode, I will continue with the divine treatment and continue to take the holy medicine. I'm ready to go, Lord. I'm gonna need you every step of the way! Please guide me! Please protect me! Give me the strength to walk the path! Ya Baha'u'l-Abha! You have asked me the simplest of questions, my Lord. My answer is YES!

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