I've got everything and nothing to say, as ever I do, so I guess I don't really know what's on my mind but I feel I need to write. I guess what matters is what's on my heart. The problem is that matters of the heart don't take shape in my mind in a very crystal clear way. I guess that's one of the main things about the next world that I so look forward to, the chance to finally know what I was really feeling all this time! To know what exactly I've been longing for and why. I really wonder if I'll be as curious as I think I will be or if everything will so transformed that it'll be like thinking of life in the womb. You can only dwell on that so much and then you've covered it.
I know what I'm longing for actually. I just want to love and be loved. Seriously, if that's all there was in my life and everything--everything!--else was stripped away I think I would be fine. Love is so mysterious. It is the measureless ocean that endlessly yields its waters to an unquenchable thirst, the supreme state of being that transcends all else, the ultimate goal that diminishes all the loftiest aspirations, yet at the same time it is like a wisp of fragrance floating on the air, always seeming to be only the faintest trace of its source, and at other times it is like the starry sky, filling me with wonder and delight, but leaving me cold and lonely in my far remoteness.
This longing...I barely feel worthy to feel it at all. I could be doing so much more to show my love to God! "Let deeds not words be your adorning." So much of my time I spend escaping from the pain of reality, because reality is the pain of loneliness! I feel like I need so much love, almost like I'm greedy for it. I want it so much! I want so much of it! I want to swim in love and never reach the bottom! Just keep going and going forever!
I don't just want to take love, though. I want to give it too! All I want to do is give love! It's all I want to do all the time! I spend so much time alone but all I want to do is serve others. I swear I just need other people to tell me what to do and I'll do anything, as long as it feels right. If it's a chance to give and receive love then what is there to think about? Just do it! If only all my life could be the expression of love! If only every action I take, every breath were somehow part of giving and receiving love.
Love is an ocean whose depths have no end, and the farther down you swim the lighter and brighter and more true and free everything becomes. Love is an open sky filled with the breath of the Best Beloved and the birdsong of His eternal Kingdom! Love is a rose ever blooming, ever opening and unfurling its petals for all eternity! Love is so wonderful, so, so precious!
Nothing is of greater value than love, yet in my life I have let it slip away so many times. I was holding onto love. I was in the arms of love! Yet I didn't appreciate what I had. I neglected and abused love. I was a blind fool, or at least that's how it feels. I was young. Now in my late blooming I can finally see clearly, but what fate awaits me? How much loneliness does my Lord wish me to endure? What is truly the way out of loneliness and into love?
I guess the first key to drinking from the cup of love is to truly love others and to feel love for others all the time. The problem for me has been that love has always felt so much like a flash, a spark of spirit that could only be contained within this reality for a moment or two before it winged its way to His Kingdom. Can those sparks kindle a constant flame? Can I feel love burning throughout my being all the time? Can I stoke it enough and receive enough sparks of the spirit to really start a blazing fire? Could that fire grow into a great bonfire and ignite the hearts of others?
I know the answer is yes. I have no doubt, yet I have this fear, so difficult to place, so hard to translate into words. It's like I'm in this prison cell of ego, cut off from the world--not the world...but cut off from the souls of others, cut off from the spiritual world, severed from His presence. In this prison I am truly alone. No soul can enter into or even approach this space of selfish desire, not even my own. There is an open window in the cell offering escape, but I'm too afraid to jump out of it. I even feel like I don't know how. I know if I jump out of there I can't count on anyone catching me. I don't know how much help or what kind of help I'll get. I just know I'll be falling. I just know I'll be putting myself out there, giving my all, opening my heart, exposing myself to the cruelty and heartbreak of this world. I'll be giving of my heart and soul. What will others give to me? I'll be sacrificing my all for others. Will others sacrifice for me? I'll be dedicating my life to selfless service. Will others serve me? I'll be truly loving others with all my heart, loving their beautiful, precious souls, loving the light radiating from deep within them. Will they love me in return? It's like doing a trust fall. Will the people in my life catch me if I really do it, if I really fall back with my eyes to the heavens? If there aren't enough arms to catch me, strong enough to hold me, will I crash into the earth? Will I smash and destroy myself? Will I die of a broken heart?
Will you catch me if I fall Lord? If I open my heart will you fill it up? It is not my place to question Thee, I know, nor to seek assurances before I commit to Thee. I can only pray to Thee. I can only beseech Thee to help me to consecrate my entire being to Thee, my Lord. O Lord, I beg Thee to give me the strength and confidence that I do not feel within me now! I beg Thee to open wide the doors of service that I may see my opportunities clearly and seize them swiftly! At this time in my life, O lord, I know not how to best serve Thee. I want in my heart to do all I can for Thy Cause but I am held back by my weakness and selfish habits and by my lack of vision. There is a cloud before my eyes that obscures the path Thou hast laid out before me, the path of sacrifice to Thee, the path of emptying myself before Thee, the path of, at long last, being filled with Thy love. O my Lord, I beseech Thee to blow away this cloud with one breath of They mercy. Help me to do all I must do in order to truly walk this path. O Lord, help me to overcome my loneliness! Help me to truly love others at all times and under all conditions! Help me to find the way to loving Thee, truly, deeply, with not the slightest wish to turn back, with all there is of me! Please help me to feel the warmth of love, my Lord, to travel through the waters of Thine Ocean of love as I move through the days of this earthly life. O Lord, I beg Thee! Give me the chance to pour out the river of love that flows through my heart into the hearts of others. Strengthen my foundations that I will never fail to be kind and loving, that I will seize with heavenly zeal every chance to give love to others and, if Thou willest it, recieve love from them.
O Lord, do you wish me to have a wife some day? Do you wish me to have children? I have hurt hearts greatly in the past and my own heart has been hurt so terribly! Nevertheless, I know that I could give and receive love with my family even more than with other people! If in Thy wisdom, and in Thy great plan, Thou wishest to bestow such a wondrous and precious gift upon me, I will be grateful beyond measure and I will strive to recognize it as a gift from Thee, a beautiful, wonderful, growing tree of the life of Thy Kingdom, a treasure that Thou hast entrusted to me, but which belongs to Thee forever. I know not what Thou hast destined for me. I beg Thee, my Lord, to make me patient and wise and to aid me to rely on Thee alone, to seek only Thee, and to be utterly content with whatsoever descends upon me from The heaven of Thy will. Thou art the Goal of my desire and of the yearning of all Thy creatures! I beg Thee to take me into Thine arms, and to forgive me, unworthy as I am, and to purify and cleanse me, wretched as I am, and to nurture me and hold me close! All praise, all love, all glory be unto Thee! All of my heart of hearts is for Thee!
The Sounds of Christmas: Outro
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