Go Time

Can't sleep. A reliable source of anxiety has me up and thinking: graduate school, preparation for it, shall I do it or not?, would I be accepted?, will I have to take more undergraduate courses?, for how long?

I had an amazing conversation with a friend tonight. She's pursuing her dream of becoming an art therapist. First she needs to get a significant number of psychology credits before she can apply for the graduate program at the school she want to study at. It all adds up to a four-year process. 2 years of undergraduate study and 2 years of Masters study. She just decided, "I'm going to do this. This is my dream. It's what I want to do, my calling, my bliss. This is what I have to do to get to the point where I have the degree and can set forth as a professional art therapist. It will take me four years, four years of learning and growing, accomplishing and working."

I'm not sure how much she agonized about this decision beforehand. I do know that this is a person who is a traveler, an artist, and abstract thinker, an "intuitive" as my mom would say. She's lived outside the bounds of the normal for a while. Now she's getting back into school, beginning a long-term process. She doesn't know what will happen after she gets the degree. She's not worried about it. She knows that, no matter what, this is the right use of her time and money. The knowledge and experience is worthwhile in and of itself. It's valuable because she loves what she's learning and doing. Of course when people love what they do it usually leads to success in that field. When people follow their calling good things happen.

It was so big for me hear her story. I can relate so much to her experience and I guess that's important to me. It's a bigger deal to me to see this commitment in someone who's lived abroad for many years teaching ESL, who's been attracted to that lifestyle and gotten a lot out of it,who isn't usually a big planner doing big things like this, and who has a passion for helping and connecting with others. I just saw a lot of myself and my own experience in her.

It was actually amazing. I can't remember ever hearing someone's story like that and it just mirroring my own in so many ways and just kind of laying out what I should do. This is the time I need to make a decision about going to China from here or going back to school, for however long that takes, and studying counseling, psychology, social work, whatever exactly will get to the point where I'm paid to talk to people about spiritual things.

My friends commitment really encourages me! Actually what affects me more is her reasons, her motivation. The traveling life just isn't giving her what she needs anymore. It's time shoot straight into the things back home that she's been avoiding. It's time to break through all the resistance and fear. It's time to learn how to do something she loves and become a professional. It's time to pursue her calling! She's not just thinking and saying these things. She's really doing it!

As I write this I feel like what I'm saying may seem obvious, like "Yeah, so she did the old thing and now she's doing the new thing. She's going to school so she can get the job she wants. No big revelations coming to me." It IS obvious. It's simple. It's just something I've had SO MUCH resistance to.

My friend told me something an author she likes wrote, that whatever we have the strongest resistance to is where we should head for. We should make it our compass. Go straight for the fearsome challenge! It makes sense! It's the most direct route to transformation and growth! My mom was telling me the same thing the other day.

Thinking about things that way gives me some fresh perspective. Going back home, probably taking more undergraduate psychology courses, then going to graduate school, and dealing with all the stresses of American life on top of it: this is the difficult path, no doubt. Going to China, probably Yunnan province, teaching ESL there, pioneering, just living: this is definitely the easy path.

It's not just about hard vs. easy though. It's about challenge and meaning. The path to becoming a counselor for me is like an epic quest compared to what I've been doing. It's years full of learning and growing, facing challenges and overcoming them, accomplishing things that I've been avoiding for years. It's gaining knowledge and synthesizing it all into something I can really use. It's gaining experience and understanding. It's expanding and breaking through barriers. It's going through everything I've feared and coming out on the other end a real professional! Able to pursue my calling. Paid to do what I love!

Counseling and psychology is something that I would not only love to do for work but that I would love to keep learning about, year after year. It can be a true passion for me, I know it, if only I pursue it! On the other hand, teaching is probably never going to a passion for me. I've pretty much already accepted that being a teacher in the States or at an international school is not for me. I can't bear it. I can handle and enjoy teaching ESL however. It's never going to be a passion though. It's not my calling. It what I do to live abroad, and I do my best to enjoy it and do a good job. It has its moments. It can be awesome, but decades more of it?! Not a happy prospect. I'm sure I would get burned out.

Work is not the only thing in life. I want a lot more out of life than just loving my work, but hey! Why not try it on for size eh? Why not see what loving my work and feeling passionate about it and actually genuinely interested in it FEELS like? Why not try it and see what happens? Certainly the whole process will not be wasted time and effort. If I decide counseling isn't my calling or whatever then do the next thing. Right now it's the best chance I have, the only vision I have, for following my bliss.

Yes, there's lots of bliss in living in China. It's cool learning Chinese. It's good being a pioneer. Teaching ESL can be kinda fun and easy and not stressful. Chinese people are great. It's a very simple life and there's lots of time for teaching the Faith and meditation and other good stuff. If I was totally egoless I might see it as the way to give the most service possible.

It feels a little too easy though. Not the right kind of challenge. Not enough learning. It feels kinda like more of the same. Another way of doing what I've already been doing. Graduate school feels like something completely new, totally challenging, stimulating. I feel like I need something new, something to breath life into me, to stimulate me and push me. I just don't know how much I would really benefit from the peaceful, simple life in China. I need to do something totally new! I have absolutely worn out this path! And I really want to know what it's like to be a counselor. I don't want to wait forever to find out.

It's just time. I need to face up to it. It seems impossible for me to feel 100% about this. There's always an alternative, always benefits of other paths. I just need to accept 90% or 80% and move on. It's time to take my life in a new direction, time to learn new things, face new challenges. It's time to face my fears and break through to the other side. Time to become an expert at something, to be really good at one thing, a professional. Time to go back to school and learn something that interests me! Time to work towards getting payed to talk with people about life and stuff.

Life is long. I can't just live like the whole thing's gonna fly by. It's wise to seek a profession that i can envision myself enjoying more over the years as opposed to one I become increasingly disenchanted with.

Gotta pray about this. Gotta take it deeper. And before too long--as in over the next few weeks--need to start taking action on it. Online courses, whatever I can do. It may be a four year process for me as well to get a masters degree. It's all good. Mustn't worry about the debt and the blah, blah, blah. Fact is that that kind of worry is what's been holding me back for so long. It's always something. Just do it! It's gonna cost money! I'll go into debt. Then I'll not be making a lot of money and have to figure out how to pay off the debt. Just accept it! I won't starve. I'll be alright. I actually believe that now after talking with my friend, my friend who's already begun the process that I must begin. She's doing and it's clearly right and good. I need to stop fretting and just do the next thing.

So now it's time to pray and sleep on it...and then, if it still feels right, it's GO TIME BABY!!!