What is Wrong?

Here's something worthy of writing about on this blog, something to work out, something that needs a solution:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ?

Something is wrong. There can be no doubt. What is going ON? Why can't I sleep like a normal person EVER? Why can't I pull it together and take care of the basic elements of self-maintenance, namely feeding myself, without it being such a complicated chore? Why do I continue to wander through this life without any clear material, intellectual, or professional goals? Why is it so hard for me to get up and actually DO things? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by life? Why do I always feel this craving to escape? Why is my mind so overactive, so overstimulated? Why, after 32 years of earthy existence, do I still feel like I haven't gotten the hang of it? Why am I stuck in this place, imprisoned in my own mind?

How much longer is this going to go on? It will simply continue if I don't change it. I'll be this way for the rest of my life I don't do something about it. What is the way out of this?

A friend of mine is taking 3 different medications. One is an anti-depressant, another for ADD, and another for stress. I tell you what, if I could start that up right now I'd say OK, let's give it a shot. Part of me doesn't want to rely on medication and there have been times when I really didn't want to go that route. I've taken anti-depressants at different times but never worked closely with a professional to get it right. I don't think I ever took enough to affect me much.

I think before I might have thought 3 meds at once was overkill but now, heck let science take a shot. If I've got three different problems going on lets see what science can do about them. One thing I know for sure: something's not right in this brain of mine. I think too much and my thoughts are too intense. I think in circles way too much. I weave a web of thought that can be beautiful but...it doesn't seem to take me anywhere! My mental habit patterns make it hard for me to consistently apply myself in the world. My mind weaves its web around everything and drags it down. Sometimes I'm so far out in my own world that I make foolish decisions or careless oversights. I'm so engaged in this inner world, wrestling with this neurosis, that I have too little energy left to make my way in the real world of action, relationships, career, and service.

I think all the massive alone time I'm getting here in Korea is not helping things. I don't know. Thank God I'll be doing Vipassana meditation for 10 days, 10 hours a day, in a little over a week. Couldn't come at a better time.

A friend of mine has been feeling lots of stress. She's overstimulated because of things coming from external situations. She says all she wants to do is sit and watch the trees grow. That's how I feel. I want to sit by a river like Siddhartha and relax and be with no stress, no anxiety, no struggle. I want to learn from that river so much that God can teach me about what is true and real and pure and beautiful! About what is real and shared between us all, not wrapped up in the craziness in my head.

I've got to do something. Medication and therapy would be ideal next step but that's not happening here in Seoul. That also wouldn't happen if I chose to live in China, along with not being able to practice my ideal profession, counseling. Actually one of the reasons I've recently been so set on going back to settle in China is that I envision finding a place not super in the middle of the hubbub, with lots of natural beauty in the area, and good simple people. I have a vision of making a simple life for myself there as an English teacher, free from the hydra-headed troubles and stresses and complications that have dogged me in America.

The fact that I'm still debating this counseling and America life vs. teaching ESL and China life and still feel torn just makes me want to EXPLOOOOOODE! When am I going to pick something and ride it all the way and get my life going in some consistent direction? I hope this bouncing around and trying stuff out for years and years has been worth something. I hope I can see more value in it later than I can now.

I'm worried that a Masters in Social Work would end up getting me a counseling job that isn't what I expected and I'll be poor and jaded by a crappy system and feel like I'm not getting through to people and just banging my head against a wall. I'm also afraid I'll be rejected by graduate schools. It's been so long since I was in school, longer still since I was proud of myself as a student. I'm worried that the ways things went down with my last job at Goodwill will make things harder for me in the future, and I just feel rotten about it and don't want to deal with any potential consequences. I'm also just afraid of living in America! All the crap you gotta deal with!

I actually preferred living in China in many ways, and of course felt more useful there on a spiritual level. I would love to settle into life in China, the China vibe, outside of the big city. I'm just not sure I can teach for the rest of my life, be it ESL teaching or at an international school or whatever. If I choose to settle in China, teaching, as far as I can see, is IT for me. I've done a lot of teaching and related stuff over the years. Every job I've had that wasn't just grunt work was educational. I'm starting to feel tired of it. Teaching is stressful man! When I'm with the kids I'm on stage in the spotlight the whole time. I've got keep everything moving the whole time. It's like I'm the heart of the class. Pump pump pump pump pump pump pump! I'm ON full blast from start to finish. I'm orchestrating the talking and participation like a conductor. I'm keeping things moving forward at a good pace while not rushing on before they understand well enough. I'm listening and observing at the same time that I'm entertaining and keeping them involved. I'm trying to reel in kids that are tired or unmotivated. I'm trying not be too sensitive and hurt when students don't like what I do or are bored. I'm planning and getting everything ready so that I'll be able to direct the show nonstop for 50 minutes for another day.

I'm just not sure if I can go through decades of this. The thing is --amazingly!-- some people don't find all that so stressful! They actually thrive on all that stuff! They work well under pressure. They like being in control of the classroom and designing the lessons and explaining things and multitasking. Those people are called to be teachers. It just comes naturally to them. Now teaching ESL can be much less stressful than teaching middle school back home, but you still have to do all that teacher stuff if you're going to do a good job. And if you're not going to do a good job and just slide by, well that's another, worse, kind of misery.

Good Lord, what is it going to take for me to just apply to graduate school and get a frickin MSW and actually give myself a chance to have a 9-5 that I genuinely enjoy? I want to go back to China so bad but I just feel really worried that I'll get burned out on teaching but have no other option there! No better option.

I know counseling can be stressful too. Long hours sometimes, low pay most of the time. Not necessarily a lot of results you see in people's lives. Paperwork. Bureaucracy. Maybe not being able to spend enough time with people. Who knows what else? The fact remains, however, that this is a job in which what you do is you talk to individuals and small groups about important things, often spiritual matters (whether they see them that way or not) and help them to see things in a different light. You listen, deeply listen, listen to different levels, different aspects of what the person is communicating. You love, you care, you be trustworthy and kind and compassionate. You gently guide and suggest. You open doors and windows. You support. You focus on what's important. You find the truth with that person. You shed the light of insight on their thoughts. You connect with that person. And then they give you a paycheck!

To me that just sounds so different from teaching! Not that I haven't made connections with kids teaching and haven't felt good vibes and all that good stuff. All the stuff that stresses me out in teaching seems to not be there in counseling though, and all the things that I like about teaching seem to be extracted and amplified. Can I really just go on with my life, go live in China and deal with the ups and downs of teaching for years and years without seeing what it's like to be a counselor? It's funny, I've tried so much in life, done so much, but I keep avoiding even getting a taste of what it's like to do the one, single thing that is most likely my calling in this life. WHAT is that ABOUT? What is my damage?

If I pull it together and really become a counselor, perhaps I'll look back on all this time of wandering and wildness and see that in some important ways it prepared me to be a better counselor. maybe I'll even be able to look back and see that it made me a deeper, more spiritual person. Whatever happens, I want to be looking back on this period from another level and a new stage in my life. I want to be looking back from that new level very soon. Help me do it Lord! Please help me!