The Evil Eye

Ok, definitely keeping this one short! Must....not....blog.....extensively! Just want to throw down my thoughts for today.

I couldn't sleep last night until ungodly late, so then i woke up late and didn't have much time before work. My goal is to turn off the lights at 1 am every night and wake up at 10 am every day. I'll transition to that this week and start it in earnest on Sunday night. Then I'll keep it up for 21 days. A friend told me that that's the amount of time it takes to establish a new habit. So I guess I'll be realizing my goals over 3 weeks and then it'll be more habitual and easier and flowier.

Another thing is that I'm getting so sick of the news! It's like crack! I get so sick and poisoned from reading about the presidential campaign, but I'm so worried that McCain might win that I keep going back. I have to admit I SO want Obama to win and it would be an absolute DISASTER worse than Bush if McCain wins. I can't even bear the thought! Oy...but it's still the darkness before the dawn and things still have to get worse before they get better and the old world order is still in need of futher crumbling. McCain would be the man for that. Ugh....it's hard to be detached. There's nothing for it, though, except to stop soaking it in and just let those matters be.

Today I played a computer game but only for a little bit. The only other goofing around was the politics crack rock smoking. The main problem today (and most days) is just going a little too slow. I mean there's no doubt that going slow and taking it easy is and always will be my style. A lot of good things come from it but I also want to feel productive. Like if I'm going to be doing nothing or going slow it should be purposeful and meditative. That's spiritual work that bears fruit. Too often, though, I jsut find that a lot of time has passed while I was just thinknig or day dreaming or dragging something out and taking forever to finish and move on. Internet surfing is the main thing that I have a problem with that. I could save an hour or more each day by just checking things quickly, doing my thing, and not lingering. So little comes from the lingering! So very little! Blech...sick of it. Internet surfing is draining the life out of me. It's time for me to take it back.

I felt a bit lost over the last couple days, feeling a bit like I'm in a vacuum. There's more times when I'm choosing to not do what I usually do but my mind hasn't quite figured out how to do anything else yet so there's been a lot of moments of floating and thinking "now what?" I take that at a good sign. It means I'm pulling out and creating space for new activities. During the week I'm forced to be alone a lot so I have to figure out how to be productive alone. That's a challenge for me. I always veer towards escape. I think a good thing to do in those moments when I feel lost and clueless is to pick up a book and just start absorbing what's in it. I have resistance to that and often feel like I have to be in the mood and everything has to be right for to sit down with a book. That's got to end now because with this schedule and all this alone time, it either read a lot (which I truly need and want to do) or end up goofing off more than I should. Goals are forthcoming in this area.

And now for something completely different.....

The students in my most advanced class--all 3rd to 5th graders--think I look like Harry Potter with my glasses on. When i take them off, though, they're mortified, saying I transform into Voldemort! They always have this dramatic reaction whenever I take off my glasses! It's crazy to me! Can I really look that different? Hailey said it was a big difference. I know my eyes are a lot smaller in the glasses. Anyways today I took my glasses off for a moment for whatever reason and there was comment of course. One girl in particular, Lynn--a really brilliant and wonderful girl--doesn't like me to do it. She groaned and told me to put them back on. Later I was joking around and pulled them down on my nose and fake-scary peered at her with my real, apparently gargantuan, eyes. She put her head in her arms and i soon realized she was crying! I apologized to her and told her I didn't realize that it really was upsetting to her. I thought it was all good fun. I promised to never do it again and assured her I wasn't trying to scare her and I'm not a scary man. I've never even hit anybody! She suggested that I have them surgically attached to my head to remove the threat once and for all. I told her I'd consider it. Anyways, it was just a funny, crazy, yet also unsettling situation. The last thing I want is to be creepy!

So on to the new things I did today:

- Today was the second time in Korea that I bought vegetables and tofu and chopped them and cooked them and made a meal at home! It was the first time I did it just cooking for myself. I got leftovers too! There was basically no spices or anything so it wasn't exactly momma's home cookin', but it was a great start. I'm definitely doing more of that and will be setting a concrete goal for how much I do it every week.

- Today was the first time I listened to the amazing mix CD that Hailey gave me! I'm so in love with it! It's so awesome and moving and soulful, and it's diverse yet full of all kinds of music that I don't listen to much and new artists to me. I suddenly adore the Indigo Girls. Never even tried them before. Just assumed they weren't my thing. Assumption strikes again. All kinds of good spiritual and stirring and passionate and fun and energizing music. The songs and the dynamic of the whole mix is really filled with Hailey's spirit. It makes me feel closer to her and miss her more at the same time.

- Today was one of the first times in a while that I put the smack down on one of my classes and let them know who's boss. They're middle school kids who need it sometimes. I actually took this class over because they were driving one of the other teachers batty. They had been doing this thing of jabbering and coming up with consant distractions and being sluggish and recalcitrant for a while but today it got to be too much. I let them know who's in control of my classroom. It's me. I was nice afterward, though, and it felt like a step in the right direction. One the main problems with this group is that it's 8pm, they've been in school forever alrady that day, they're exhausted and their blood suger is bottoming out. Parents need to make sure their kids get fed before 9:30 or whatever! One way or another! It just infuriates me that these kids can't get any food in their bellies day after day! It's a tough life for them. Tough being a Korean teenager. Tough being Korean.

Anyways, that's a whole other ball of wax. Check ya later!