Soul-Body Coordination

I'm going to to try to be a little less ambitious with my blog posts. I need to write--at least a little bit more--just to write and to express my thoughts through writing. Doesn't always need to be a big synthesis.

Really late now and I should be getting to bed, but I just felt that I've crossed over back into the world after two days of cutting myself off from it, so I wanted to make the connection.

Taking time off completely from everything is something I need to do every once in a while, if possible. The last 4 weeks have been busy and eventful. The last 2 weeks of them were mind-blowing. Hailey was up visiting Seoul for almost two weeks so that we could have a chance to get to know each other better.

She's in the difficult position of having gotten to know me late in the game after she'd already made hard and fast plans for school and a whole process of working toward her dream to be an art therapist. Our only options are for her to come back and put that off for however long being here for another year or so would require so that we can really explore our relationship OR for me to finish out my contract and do my best to meet up with her in Canada. That would mean getting a job up there and building a career as best I can in the circumstances. It's possible I could get a CELTA or something (intensive training for teaching ESL) and find some work teaching ESL up there. She'll be living in Montreal most likely. That's a pretty international city and there may be a demand for ESL teachers without Masters degrees. Then it could be more of that or getting things going for a Masters in Social Work. I starting to think I can add "teaching ESL" to list of things that I could be happy doing for a decade or more. The only other thing on that list right now is councelor/therapist. I had thought school teacher of the normal sort could be on it but I don't think that's my gig.

Just for fun, let's think of more things to put on that list. First to mind is making electronic music, stuff like Ulrich Schnauss or Boards of Canada or Autechre. One more thing I think I could be really good at. That one I think I could be REALLY good at but it takes time. My gosh that would be so fulfilling! Resistance...resistance. I think about creativity differently now. Just one of the many things I've learned from Hailey. Travel writing! That would be cool. Hailey has a friend, Peter, wonderful guy, who's working on that. What else? College professor. What subject? See that's where I start thinking, "Would I really want to read that much academia on one subject?" Maybe, maybe history.

You ever think about where you are now and wish you could use all you've learned to go back and do it all differently? I used to think those thoughts a lot. Still tempting, but not at all real. I've got 60 years left maybe, if I just die of old age.

One thing Hailey noticed about me that I don't remember other people commenting on is how much i think and talk about the afterlife. Not all the time but she saw that it's something that's on my mind and i relate a lot of things to it and kind of turn my mind to it at most opportunities. I hadn't thought about it much recently but it's totally true. Just a little perspective on the afterlife, learning what I've learned from Baha'u'llah, makes it so clear to me that everything relates back to it, everything gets its meaning from it. What's a baby in a womb without a world to be born into? Same thing goes for a life without a vision of eternal life, for me at least.

Trying to slide through this life while keeping my head up in those clouds isn't the way. Be Here Now has taught me some about that. Hailey taught me about it too. She's so alive! So active, so engaged, so driven to experience and create. I feel we're reaching towards the same goal, but she has some good ways of being that help her to keep going. She has a way of living that is very conducive to spiritual life. Pure heartedness, pure intention, backed up by determined, audacious, hungry, striving action!

That hasn't been easy for, that way of living. I must understand why. I do work and strive and really do a lot sometimes, but then I get tired. That probably means I don't have enough energy because I'm not physically healthy. I also get overwhelmed or distracted. I think a really big factor is goals though. People have more passion and drive when they're working towards goals. It gives them something to focus on. It enhances everything they do in pursuit of the goal, just being committed to that goal!

Fact is, I need more goals. I need any goals. There are things that are important to me. Baha'u'llah is so important to me. Serving His Cause is so very important to me. What are my goals in serving His Cause though? What am I working towards? Part of serving His Cause is to gain knowledge and insights? So what are my goals for that? I need energy for life and better health. What's my goal? Career must take root in my work and learning at some point. Even if I'm not certain if it's ESL or counceling and what circumstances will be, what my goal at this stage? I should be creating and making art of some sort--writing, drawing, music. As much as I've ignored it, it's still who I am, a creative, abstract thinking dreamer who longs to exist on a less material, more expressive, spiritual, fluid, creative plane. I think the word for that is artist. What's my goal?

Here's the fact that I'm looking at, staring me in the face right now: setting goals and working towards them is a good, fundamental function of life. It's something everyone should be doing in their lives. It's also an ability, something that get's better with practice and confidence. It can be a strength or a weakness.

For me it's a weakness, flat out. It's not something I grew up learning how to do, and I guess something I'm not as naturally as inclined to as many people. I've just kept on living, year after year, without really having to do it very much, without really having to learn it and develop that ability in myself.

So here I am, 32 years old, a good person, someone who enriches the lives of others and is a good but not great servant to them, a decent but not great teacher, a good but not great Baha'i. I do think people look at me and think, "Man, Daniel's so great! He's kind and helpful and spiritual and likes to talk about interesting things and has a good attitude. He's got a lot of good qualities. But something's missing, something's fuzzy, out of focus. What's missing in him?"

It's goals. Drive. Focus. Passion for something that's more than an idea or a vision. Purpose honed to a process of working towards a goal. I DO have a lot of passion, desire, love, longing! I cannot afford to mistake thought for action any longer though.

Hailey is so action packed. She's bursting, and it's a wonder to see! She likes me enough to be considering changing her plans to be near me, so I do have some things going for me it seems. I know I do. I have many good qualities. I bring good things into this world. Being with Hailey has taught me many things. Here's three big ones. 1) It's clear to me that she's giving and receiving the great benefits of a goal oriented, action oriented life. That's a life that simply brings out into reality more of the potential within. I love that in her and I need so much more of that in myself. 2) I have strong resistance in me to that kind of change, because it goes beneath the surface and messes with the established order, the ego king that doesn't wish for any reforms. 3) I have to start developing my ability to set and acheive goals from this moment forward or two things will happen. First, despite all the things she loves about me, Hailey won't be able to bear my floating through life and I'll have lost her. Aw hell naw! I am NOT letting that happen! Second, I'll just be lame and increasingly pathetic. It's not pathetic yet, but it's 100% lame. In just a year or so it will start becoming pathetic. Then I'm in BIG trouble. I must NOT let it get to that point!

We all have things we need to work on, things that we find, often around my age probably, that aren't where they should be. I think this is my biggie. Goals. It's all about goals for me. It's not too late, but I'm pushing it. I'm really pushing it.

It's hard to change! It's hard to change things in myself, my way of living, my daily routine, my way of thinking. It's hard to change things like setting and working diligently towards goals. Luckily it's simple. Fairly simple. It's definitely simple to just start. I can think of 5 things to set goals for right off the bat.
1. A jogging regimen.
2. A study regimen.
3. Creativity: writing, drawing, singing, dancing (don't want to say regimen.)
4. A cooking regimen.
5. A sleep regimen.

BAM! Of course, actual goals are more specific, so I need to work out the details.

I just realized....the next month or so is it. I've glimpsed the seriousness of my situation just in time! I have to do this now or there will be consequences.

I know when you;re in a relationship you can't be trying to change the person or looking for them to be someone they're not. I see that clearly, yet there is another side. Knowing that it will please the one you love and bring more harmony to the relationship is a powerful motivator for making deeper changes. Its happened many a time don't you think? Sure it's failed to happen many times too, but that's probably often when the person doesn't really want to make the change. I want to make this change in myself. I've felt this weakness in me for a long time and grown weary of the price I pay for it. When it's just me in the picture it's been tough to bring together the motivation and awareness and all the juice I need to work on this kind of thing and sustain my efforts. So tough that it hasn't really happened. Doing what it takes to be the man I need to be for the girl of my dreams, though, that's a whole different story! I really care about that and I'll do just about anything I can possibly do to be that man! That's not bad right? That's love! Love has transformed much worse men than me into much better men than me! So let its power drive me forward to new heights!

Just have to make sure I'm not getting ahead of the game. I also must be patient and open to what God gives me. It may not be what I desire, but everything from god is a precious gift. I must humbly accept His will.

Well, I've gotten some really good insights from this writing. I know they come from Thy Kingdom and the Concourse on High, Lord. Thank You! Time to go pray and live my life.