Lost and Found

This morning (ahem, I mean afternoon) when I woke up I didn’t feel different or anything. As I started my walk to work, however, I felt something. I felt a little more open, a little lighter. As people walked by I looked at their expressions and though I didn’t know them I felt I could sense their being beneath the surface. I felt I was more sensitive to their souls. Just a little bit. Maybe it was the brightness of the sun, the crispness of the breeze, the vibrancy of the trees on the green mountain nearby. Maybe it was my imagination. It felt a little bit like I had just been meditating or doing yoga for a while. I still felt that way when I got to work. I forgot about it as I got busy though.

That’s the story of my life. A few minutes of heaven and weeks of…..sigh, I don’t know. A mixed bag. Earthly life. The jumble of the jungle. Decidely not soaring in the heavens. I know many other people feel the same way. Maybe millions. That’s one the many strange things about this life. The central purpose of existence here is to prepare us for the world to come, yet this world seems to have so little in common with the spiritual realm, sometimes I wonder how I can really learn what I need for the next life. All the things I long for are what the next world is made of. It doesn’t just have love in it. It is made of love. There isn’t just communion with God and closeness of souls and opening of our eyes to His beauty and drinking in the rivers of His wisdom and perfection. In that world God’s voice is on the wind and His face is in the sky. His beauty really is a fragrance on that wind and a thousand rainbows in that sky. His wisdom and perfection are the air we breath in deeply. His presence fills our being. We do not just love each other. We are one.

I’ve spent over 15 years longing for that. I guess I’ll spend about 60 more longing for it. The longing doesn’t seems to bring me closer to it. Can I feel any closer to God than I do? Can I feel close enough for this life to be bearable for the next many decades? I know the answer is yes. The answer has always been yes, but I haven’t been willing to do what it takes.

Something that really hurts me is that I felt happier in the past. There was a time—or times—when I was joyful, pure, even holy. His spirit was truly flowing through me and, looking back, I really feel He had accepted my commitment, confirmed my longing, and deigned to unleash the river of love and light—that one special, unique stream, issuing from His hidden springs and rushing towards His infinite ocean, reserved only for me, a path from Him to Him that could only be run by the waters of one soul, the soul of Daniel, every pebble of its bed a testament of our love, my love for Baha’u’llah, His love for me—a river that had been dammed in waiting for that time.

This is not my imagination. I know it in my soul to be true. I have felt His love and His presence. I was soaring in His heaven, drinking deeply of His gifts. It may sound corny, but once one has tasted this sweetness, nothing else will have any flavor for him for the rest of his days. After that melody, all else is silence. After that beauty, all else is flat and featureless. That is my life now and that is what it has been for many years—it feels like a lifetime—tasteless, soundless, featureless. Right about now you may be thinking, “Um, what you really need is anti-depressants!” If so, I’ll grant that whole side of things has great merit and must be considered. I feel strongly, however, that medication won’t solve this. When a lover betrays His best beloved and breaks his heart and hers, no treatment or anything else can cure him of the agony of regret and loneliness haunts him all his days! There is only one way for the thousand shattered pieces of his heart to be fused back together into true wholeness. His beloved must forgive him completely and open her heart again and, like a magnet, draw all those fragments to her heart until every last piece is gathered around it. Then, in the fire of her love, her lover’s heart will melt and join into one whole around hers. Then, at long last, he will find the love he lost and the peace he had forgotten.

This is the case with me (and I know I’m not alone!) Somehow, by some unfathomable mystery of His love, Baha’u’llah opened my eyes and led me to Him and embraced me. Somehow I managed to not screw it up immediately and experienced, for a few years, the bliss of pure dedication to Him. I was a gazelle in His meadow, a humble servant prostrate before His throne, a lover gazing into His eyes. His eyes filled me with peace. They filled me with joy. The caused me to brim over with a life-force that I can now barely remember, much less describe.

Then I screwed it all up. I broke His heart and exploded my own. In the years since I first turned my heart away from Him I have only found a few pieces. I will never find all my heart in the dust of this world. I have spent ten years searching for signs of pieces of my heart. Now I am tired. I feel old and worn. I feel like this world has swallowed me up and has been slowly digesting me for years. I find it hard, even when I have thoughts and feelings that direct me towards Him, to sustain my efforts. I get distracted. I feel like a man with Alzheimer’s who occasionally awakens from his sickness to remember his true self and his family and friends but then tragically slips back into oblivion.

It’s so hard to keep God in my heart and mind! Even as I was deep into writing this, thinking of nothing else, an alert popped up on my computer screen saying, “Your Windows license will expire in 14 days. Back up all your files and install any version of Windows.” What I have to buy Windows again? What the hell! No way! That’s like $200 or something! That can’t be right! Oh please let me not have to buy Windows again! Oy…anyways, where was I?

Where was I?

Who was I?

There seems to be no escape from the constant siege of pleasure and pain which is this life. It’s like trying to meditate when 100 people are outside banging on the walls of my room. No escape from all the bad habits I’ve developed. No escape from heedlessness and distraction. No escape from all these cravings and aversions. No escape from loneliness and remorse. I’m at the bottom of a well and the only way out is the way I came in. I can’t claw my way out. I’m trapped, imprisoned in the mesh of my own desires.

Baha’u’llah knows that this suffering comes to many of us in this life. He captures the experience of countless souls when He says:

“Ye are even as the bird which soareth, with the full force of its mighty wings and with complete and joyous confidence, through the immensity of the heavens, until, impelled to satisfy its hunger, it turneth longingly to the water and clay of the earth below it, and, having been entrapped in the mesh of its desire, findeth itself impotent to resume its flight to the realms whence it came. Powerless to shake off the burden weighing on its sullied wings, that bird, hitherto an inmate of the heavens, is now forced to seek a dwelling-place upon the dust.”

The first time I read these words of His, and the first time I ever read His words, I was reading a large, thick paperback copy of Gleanings of the Writings of Baha’u’llah. It was white with an Irish-looking green winding pattern on the front. It was water damaged from a flood. It was given to me by the Sepulveda family at the first fireside I ever went to, the first night I heard about the Faith, in early 1993. In the days and months to come I read voraciously from that heavenly book. I soaked it up like a sponge. I was so ready, though I hadn’t known it. I knew I was searching but I knew not for what. As the realization grew within me that I had found my heart’s desire, so grew my joy and zest for life! Finally, with the help of amazing, pure, wonderful Baha’i youth, I overcame my last lingering doubts and threw myself into Baha’u’llah’s arms! In the next several years I grew by leaps and bounds. I was still foolish and immature in many ways, and there were a few setbacks, but I felt Him with me! I felt urged on and guided by Him! I felt my longing to serve Him driving me and I heard His voice calling me! Many people in my life at that time sensed the spirit flowing through me and were drawn to it and benefitted from it, as is His intention.

Eventually I lost that copy of Gleanings. I don’t know how. Around that same time I started down a path that caused me to lose all the gifts that had been imparted to me by Him through that book. I didn’t realize my utter folly until it was too late and I was caught in the mesh of my own desires. I feel as if I’ve been struggling in that web ever since, sometimes freeing a limb, maybe two, but eventually giving up and settling back into the sticking strands, letting them wrap themselves around me in some new pattern.

Baha’u’llah knows my heart completely. He loves me completely. He forgives me completely. He is waiting to release the waters of the river of my destiny, flowing out of Him and into Him. His heart is open and, like a magnet, is exerting its powerful attractive force through all creation, seeking to gather all the fragments of my heart around His own. But my shattered heart is asleep and heeds not His call. My Best Beloved is calling me to return to Him! He is moving heaven and earth to bring me back into His arms! Yet I sleep.

I pray to Thee, O my Lord, and beseech Thee. Help me to awaken from this sleep! Whatever it takes, please shake me out of this trance! I beg Thee, aid me to be the embodiment of these words, spoken by the Tounge of Grandeur, my Best Beloved, and the Desire of all the worlds:

“I am he, O my Lord, that hath confessed to Thee the multitude of his evil doings, that hath acknowledged what no man hath acknowledged. I have made haste to attain unto the ocean of Thy forgiveness, and have sought shelter beneath the shadow of Thy most gracious favor. Grant, I beseech Thee, O Thou Who art the Everlasting King and the Sovereign Protector of all men, that I may be enabled to manifest that which shall cause the hearts and souls of men to soar in the limitless immensity of Thy love, and to commune with Thy Spirit. Strengthen me through the power of Thy sovereignty, that I may turn all created things towards the Day Spring of Thy Manifestation and the Source of Thy Revelation. Aid me, O my Lord, to surrender myself wholly to Thy Will, and to arise and serve Thee, for I cherish this earthly life for no other purpose than to compass the Tabernacle of Thy Revelation and the Seat of Thy Glory. Thou seest me, O my God, detached from all else but Thee, and humble and subservient to Thy Will. Deal with me as it beseemeth Thee, and as it befitteth Thy highness and great glory.”

Ya Baha’ul-Abha!

Review

Ok, I think I need to review what life is about. (The following is not preaching, but rather my own attempt to crystallize my own beliefs.)

Let’s start with the big picture. God is the source of everything. God is the only thing that is actually real and absolute. He is independent. Everything else is derivative in some way. All creation comes from God. Why is there creation at all then if God has no need of it? Well, God created souls. The purpose of souls is to awaken to the truth, unfold to embrace the light of the spirit, and grow ever closer to God. Souls live forever. Forever is what happens after this life, because after we die our soul lives on for eternity. That eternity is the true purpose of our lives, the fulfillment of our existence. In the worlds to come we grow ever higher into His light, we worship Him and love Him, we mingle like atoms of light in an infinite sky. We cannot yet imagine that existence but it is the true life life, the real, actual existence to which this life is but a prelude.

So why not just step in front of a bus and get this (extremely) painful and drawn out prologue over with? Especially those of use that believe in that Kingdom to come, those of us that long to feel His presence, those of us that yearn to glide over the flowered fields of His endless love for all eternity? Why persist with this life?

Well, like it or not, it turns out this life is vitally important. Baha’u’llah introduced the metaphor of a child developing in his mother’s womb as an illustration of the purpose of this earthly existence. The child cannot yet imagine what lies beyond and cannot even understand how the qualities he is developing will be applied in the context of his coming existence. Still he absorbs and digests and transforms and grows rapidly. He develops material capacities which he will use in the material world. If he is properly cared for and develops in a healthy womb he will emerge into this earthly plane possessing all the capacities necessary for every victory on every level of earthly existence.

So this world is like a womb for our souls in which they develop in preparation for the life to come, acquiring spiritual capacities in place of the material. Unlike the child in the womb, however, we have free will. We are responsible for our own progress. We aren’t the source of it though. Like mirrors we can either reflect the light of God or turn away from it or cover our faces. The light, however, is one, and it is the source of all good, all joy and peace. It is air, water, food, and shelter. It is all we need and so much more! It is what our heart of hearts longs for! Once the light enters into us it energizes our being and causes us to grow and develop in a great diversity of ways, but the light is one.

The source of this light is Baha’u’llah. He is the Supreme Manifestation of God and God's Messenger to humanity for this day and age. He is God and He is God’s humble servant, as are all God’s Manifestations. Through the person of Baha’u’llah, through His life, through His words, through the system He established, through the radiance of His Eternal Being, the light of God shines on us in one pure and indivisible ray. Through Him the light of God is transmitted from the unreachable, the unimaginably lofty and exalted Source straight through infinite space to every single soul, every wisp of time that is the life of a soul on Earth. Only Baha’u’llah transmits the complete and flawless truth and Will of God for humanity in this Dispensation. He is the source of life for all mankind. His healing elixir is the only cure for the terminal disease of the spirit which afflicts us. His teachings and His laws are the path to peace and security for all mankind. Love of Him is the key to existence. Obedience to Him is the structure within which true life, the life of the spirit, may flourish. Service to Him is the conduit through which pure intention becomes spiritual action, transforming the servant and all he touches with his service. Longing for Him is the fire that burns away the veils of blindness and fries the sticking barnacles of worldy desire. Trust in Him and reliance upon Him is the soul’s impenetrable shield of protection from every storm and biting wasp and invisible virus of this age.

We are like plants. We must focus on our own growth, our own integrity, the depth and firmness of our roots, the loftiness and receptivity of our leaves and branches, the hardness of our bark, the fragrance of our blossoms. We must strain toward the light with all our might. We must focus all our energies on producing pure and heavenly fruits. We must strive to achieve a form that reflects His beauty, His grace, His glory.

God will take care of all the rest. He will shine the light of the Sun upon us. He will cause the clouds to rain down on us. He will give us earth to spread our roots in. He will protect us from all dangers. Above all, He has already, from eternity, established His glorious Kingdom. This is the world in which the growing trees of our souls are developing and being nurtured by Him. This is the true reality and it holds our true identity. The world of spirit is our true home. We are in it now, all of us, though some of us are oblivious. Even those of us that know of the spiritual reality only very rarely glimpse a flash of it.

All of this is true and it is happening right now! It is wonderful! How grateful I am to be awake and aware of the truth! How thankful I am to somehow have recognized Baha’u’llah! Alas, I am swimming in the dark waters of this world, trying to get through each day, trying to find my way. Writing this is an attempt to find my way, to fight back against the forces of entropy that dig and claw at me and drag me down ceaselessly! Something dark and restless lives in my heart and drives me every which way but into His open arms! Something in me loves this dust heap of a world and forgets the world of light. Something in me thirsts for the bitter wine of the mortal cup and spurns the ocean of His Presence. Something in me seeks to forage on the jungle floor instead of soaring high above the mountains.

‘Abdu’l-Baha stated very clearly that the soul is at any time either progressing or falling back. There is no in between. Oh, how high I could have soared by now! How I have failed! Failed! I feel as if I could dissolve into nothingness at the thought of my countless failures. So many opportunities wasted. So many souls I could have guided, but I did not. So many noble services I could have given. Instead I served my fleeting desires. Were it not for His mercy and forgiveness I would be rightly cast off as a stunted growth, bearing too little fruit of too low quality, decaying as much as it grows, diseased.

He is Most Merciful, however, and He is Ever-Forgiving. So now, at age 32, looking back on a life so far in which I have wandered far into the wilderness and failed to serve Him and earn the title: Baha’i, follower of Bah’u’llah, I have another chance. There is potentially 50 or 60 years of my life yet unlived. What will I do with it? All mystical questions and all understanding of the bigger picture of His Cause must be distilled down to this one question: what am I going to do with the time allotted to me?

That’s a question I have to take a closer look at than I have. I have to try to see it in a fresh way. I must not despair! I cannot settle for less than the straight path that leads to the ultimate victory! I will not! What is that path? What is it not? How can I walk it? What must I do? How do I start? How do I really walk that path in my daily life, in all the nitty-gritty and grind of this toilsome existence? What can I do to help myself along that I have not done enough of or have not done at all? How do I travel from this place of words and hopes to a place of action and accomplishment?

I must pray for the answer. I must pray even when I don’t want to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I’m feeling too distracted or too lazy or not in the mood to pray, which is pretty much all of the time. I must pray even when I don’t know how to do it right or what exactly I’m doing, which is pretty much all of the time.

I must start somewhere and go from there.

When I Wake Up

(Hey, I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago but then I deleted it a bit after I wrote it for some dumb reason. I just realized it was still on my "flog blog" on Facebook so I retrieved it from there. All is well again.)

Hi again friends. I'm fadin' out a bit here and that's a very good thing. I can't tell what a pain it has been lately to try to change my sleep schedule from total vampire (4am-1pm) to normal (12am-9am). I thought I had it and then I got all screwed up again. last night I slept through my alarm clock going off right next to me--all three levels of increasing frequency of beeps! It really screwed up some plans.

Can I just tell you that I am one horrible sleeper? I have NEVER as long as I can remember had a regular, consistent, healthy sleep schedule or the dietary equivalent. this has got to stop! but the eating thing, oh an that's tough here. i mean shopping for food is a pain. I'm getting, like, NO fresh vegetable from my current restaurant diet, so I gotta do something.

Anyways, what was on my mind was that moment when I wake up. Like many of you probably, I wake up and immediately go into some thought process, usually not important. Sometimes I'm just continuing from where i left off before I managed to slip through the cracks of my thoughts into sleep.

What I want to do is this: as soon as I realize I'm awake, immediately say a prayer, maybe this particular morning prayer I have memorized, and keep saying it until it's the first conscious thing I did of the day. The words of the prayer were the first words in my mind that day. the prayer was my first thought and my first action.

Being willing to do this and actually doing it would have a powerful affect on me I think. When I wake up and immediately grab hold of some thought about my life and things of the world that means I can't bear not to be attached to those things. it means I'm afraid to fall into Baha'u'llah's arms before I take a look down there to see where I'll be falling. It means I'm thinking about it, assessing it, making sure it's the thing I want to do, comparing it with other things. It means I'm doubting. It means I'm distracted and preoccupied. It means I don't really want to be with God.

All of this meaning just from not making prayer the very first thing I do? It's because that moment of decision lies right there at the beginning. Waking up is like being born in a way. It's coming out of nothingness or another life or something, coming out of a separation. In that first moment, before I have time to calculate and give myself the same old tired reasons why I do the things I do, why I continue on with my life as it is, I have a chance to just grab onto the cord of love and reliance and nothingness before God! If I grab on then and take firm hold and pray more and read the Word more and meditate more, maybe I'll be able to hold onto that cord all day!

I'm just asking myself these days: how much more do I have to suffer, how much more of this am I going to put myself through before I give up? I mean, there's no way I'm going back to oblivion and forgetting God, so until I really make my life all about Him I'm just stuck here in this limbo. I feel like I just need to make some leap inside me somewhere, my heart has to jump off a cliff with clouds below it. Attachment to things that never fail to bear worthless, worthless fruits! Subtle doubts and inertia that isn't always conscious holding me back, keeping my heart in this grey fog of nowhere. I, me, mine. All the attachments, all the opinions, all the desires, all the passing lusts, all the worries and anxieties, all the cravings and urges and habits and all that stuff. All of it! It's all BALONEY! I AM JUST SO SICK OF IT ALL!

I've got to pursue every opportunity to draw nearer to God, to feel His presence, to be animated by Him, and filled with His spirit. More than ever before, I find it the only thing that can give me any rest or happiness. All else is utter misery. I don't fear that darkness though, because i know I can put it behind me forever! Say a prayer for me please! That I will finally get over that hill that has been in my view for years and years! On the other side is a golden valley filled with fruits that will give me the ability to truly serve others and will fill my heart with peace!

I'm 32 years old and I have the opportunity to start my true life now! if I don't do it now I feel I may never do it. I really do. This time is very important to me. i have to transform my life. if I don't it really might never happen, or it might be another 10 years. If you ever will pray for me, please pray for me now!

Words, words, words

Hey all. I actually posted a week ago but then deleted it. I guess I was thinking it was too much rambling or inner thoughts that others might not have interest in. I thought maybe I should streamline the blog a little bit to make it more interesting. Then I got an amazing email from a friend I haven’t heard from in ages responding to that post. It’s too late to retrieve the post though. Well, that taught me my lesson. I won’t deleting anything anymore.

Anyways, so…..the other week I saw a Korean guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Death Frequency Narcotic.” I just thought that was the most intense and dark phrase I had heard in a while. I don’t know if it’s a band name or a lucky jumble of words. There are lots of t-shirts here that say really random things. For example, I just bought a t-shirt that says “Look at the facts, multi holder.” There’s a picture of a pair of glasses below the caption. I like it.

Been spending a lot of time alone lately. I don’t mind it so much. I like being with people but I like being alone too. I would feel better if I were more productive, but that’s nothing new. I’ve been transferring my entire CD library to iTunes which is taking forever. It’s cool to see all my music laid out though and to have such easy access to it. iTunes has been good to me too. I’m subscribed to many cool podcasts, such as “A Baha’i Perspective,” in which the host interviews Baha’is from all different countries and walks of life (being in a foreign country makes me notice cool English phrases like “walks of life”) and another one that teaches me how to beat-box!

I’ve also discovered some new bands that have rocked my world. In fact, I’ve discovered a whole new genre that I love and just fits like a glove. It’s a type of rock music called “Shoegaze.” It’s generally kind of dark or somber but also full of depth and beauty and emotion. It’s characterized by many harmonious sounds coming together to form a “wall of sound.” It’s called shoegaze because the guitarists are concentrating so much or are so shy and introspective that they’re looking down the whole time they perform. The quintessential shoegaze band is My Bloody Valentine. I can’t believe I haven’t listened to them before. Their album “Loveless” is a revelation! It’s like swimming in sound, coming across beautiful, lonely, haunting mermaids and seeing blurry seascapes coming in and out of focus through the waves. I’ve also discovered another band, actually an artist, that makes me feel the same way. His name is M83 and his album “Saturday=Youth” is really just so wonderful. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve fallen in love with new albums—not just liked but fallen in love with.

I’ve also rediscovered artists I had been out of touch with. I’ve always loved the electronic music of Autechre but for 15 years I only had 3 albums. I just got a bunch more of their stuff and it’s A-MAZ-ing. I got my favorite from back in the day: KLF! (is gonna rock ya) I discovered Jack Johnson, who I love and, like everyone else, want to be. I also discovered The Verve. WOW! They are just so wonderful. I love The Verve!

There’s also cool radio stations on iTunes, like one that has awesome Drum ‘n Bass and another one that Lex turned me onto which is all actual recordings of radio broadcasts from the 1920s, commercials and all! I love that stuff!

Anyways, what else…I got an iPod shuffle, which is awesome. I got a sweet cell phone (finally.) Not that anyone calls me much yet, but not having much of a social life is par for the course at this point. I’m reading “Tuesdays With Morrie,” which is really awesome and spiritual. A coworker who is also very awesome and spiritual (and who I’ve shared the Faith with some and hope she wants to know and see more) gave it to me as a late birthday present.

Oh and tens of thousands of people in Sichuan province, China--where I used to live!—are mourning the loss of their beloved children and husbands and wives and parents and family members and friends. Tens of thousands of people in Myanmar are doing the same thing. And in Sudan. And in Iraq. Excuse me but DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! Have you seen the photos coming out from the earthquake zone? Well you should. We should all see the evidence of the suffering that is crushing and haunting millions of our fellow humans. We need to see the truth. This world is in trouble. We may see the peril more clearly during our lifetimes. Things are getting worse and they will continue to get worse until we can no longer bear it. This is the darkness before the dawn.

Nevertheless here I remain in my shell of comfort and self-absorption. Sometimes I want to burn away my soul in the fire of sacrifice and love, to be dust beneath the feet of others, to see and hear and feel only my Lord. Other times I just want to be left alone. What can be done about this weakness? It’s amazing to think of how the next world will be and how this world is. Is there any contrast between two things in this world that can allude to it? It seems entirely natural that I should wish to be quit of this world and to soar up into my true home, yet there are decades and decades to go. I wish the Kingdom for all of us, for all the victims of disaster and crime. But we must wait. We must do all we can while we are here. God has chosen to establish His Kingdom here on Earth as well, but it will not be accomplished through miracles. It is being built by people. People like me, especially me because, unlike most people, I recognize the Manifestation of God for this age: Baha’u’llah.

It’s an exciting opportunity but also an overwhelming one, and I usually feel the latter more than the former. It’s just annoying. My mind is annoying and my heart is annoying. I want to feel focused all the time but so often I just feel the need to retreat. I don’t know.

I was just checking out this book online. It’s called “The Sociopath Next Door.” A sociopath is basically a person who has absolutely no conscience. Maybe they never have. I’m not sure. Anyways, the author says that studies have shown that it is likely that 4% of Americans are sociopaths. That’s 1 in every 25! That is terrifying! It sure would explain a lot though. Can it really be that many, that many people in the world? I can’t understand it. If you have no conscience then how is your soul at all connected to your body? Not sure where I’m going with this. Just was pretty arresting.

I think I’ve drained my brain for now. Thanks for reading! Love you, whoever you are!

More Things I Like About Being in Korea

- They wash your hair after they cut your hair here, so it washes away all the little cut hairs. Plus, a good haircut only costs $6. (So I had to tip the lady even though they don't expect tips anywhere here.)

- I can still watch Iron Man in a movie theater!

- Random kids offer conversation starters like "Where is the frog?"

- I'm about to have my first iPod. It'll come in real handy for jogging.

- I live alone. I just realized I've always lived alone in China or Korea, but never, ever in America. Weird, but it makes total sense.

- I'm going to have a cellphone soon. It will take good quality pictures, which will solve two problems. 1- I won't have to buy a camera. 2- When I want to take pictures I'll actually have a camera with me. I was the worst about never having my camera with me when I needed it. I also didn't own a camera for ages. Sometimes I wish there were more pictures to remind me of times past. There's almost nothing, not counting family photo albums. Ah well. I'll probably get to watch the whole movie of my life after i die, complete with what other people are thinking and feeling and how my actions rippled out into their lives and the lives of countless people I've never met.

- I've finally really discovered Skype and all its glories. Soon I'll have a web cam and that will highly rock. Can't wait to talk to my nephew and nieces with that! Who knows if I would have gotten around to that in the States.

- It's still way cool that I get to hang with Lex here after hanging with her at Bosch and Evergreen. I always wanted to hang with a friend from the States in a foreign country that we're both living in. Check that off the list.

- I don't have to worry about rent or a car. Plus, all my bills come out of my paycheck. I love it. I'll have to keep up with my pay-as-you-go cellphone and my credit card debt back home but that is it baby!!!

- I'm blogging again.

- My bed is sufficiently hard, something that was almost impossible in the States.

- I'm not hearing or talking about politics, sports, and other things that just cause me stress without giving me much in return, and which I don't have any real affect on.

- I have no TV!!!

- I just uninstalled all the computer games off my computer! If they're there I'll never stop playing them. If they're not I'll just do other things. I'm weird like that. Happens with food too.

- I can't understand a word of what's being said on advertisements, both written and spoken! It's a peaceful, easy feeling.

- I've been able to teach the Faith some already! I realized two things. 1-I'm out of practice. 2-I've got to teach myself more before I can teach much to others.

- There's a spicy, chewy snack here called Dokboki. It's delightfully chewy, quite spicy, and yummy tasty good! The kids are crazy about it, Actually everyone seems to love it. It's a traditional snack. Very Korean. It's basically these chewy pasta-like gobs of dough in a spicy, red sauce.

- I have lots of spare time and my job isn't stressful. I can just screw around in that time, OR I can do lots of productive things like prayer, reading Baha'u'llah's writings, meditating, exercising, studying Korean, reading other Baha'i writings, learning how to be a better teacher, keeping in touch with family, and much, much more!!!!

- I can get real bread right across the street from my work! (As long as I just want a baguette.)

- I'm slowly but surely figuring out this teaching thing. I think I like doing it this way, though the schedule can't be long term. I don't know if I'm really made for teaching back in the States, at least not normal teaching. Teaching ESL to Asian kids could really be my bag though. It's nice to feel that I may be on my career track, or at least that a career track exists in what I'm doing! I can just be doing it for a while and then decide I'm making it into a career. That feels more sustainable than most stuff I've done for work.

- God is with me wherever I go! Closer than my life-vein!

Missing China

There's no question I'm happy to be in Korea right now. In Korea I can make enough money to pay off my debts and save some money. If I stay here two years I can save a lot of money by my standards. I also like my job and am liking it more and more. Loving it is a possibility. The 3-9pm schedule is annoying for reasons like not being able to go to Feast on weekdays, but it's also kinda awesome. Getting enough sleep is not going to be a problem for the first time in my life! I'm also making some good friends here and meeting sweet, loving people that I like being with.

Having said all that, I really miss China. I wasn't thinking about it but then I read an article a friend posted on Facebook about how the Chinese are searching for spiritual meaning more and more and how the society and even the government are opening up to that aspect of life. My love for China came flooding back. That's always the way it is. I don't think about it for a few weeks and then it just floods me. It's like remembering a past girlfriend that I never really got over or someone close to me who died.

I still feel like that sometimes, that my life in China died, that I died in some ways when I was ripped from my life there. Feelings of bitterness and regret still come up in my heart and pass away when I think about it.

Maybe I wouldn't miss China as much if America or Korea needed me as much. The fact is I was much more useful to the Faith there. In America I could speak the language and I was integrated into the community but it was just so damn hard to find waiting souls there. I guess I could find ways, though, in the long run. To be honest, in the last 1.5 years there I wasn't really trying. I was a little bit, um...preoccupied. So maybe things could be much different if I go back there to live.

As for Korea, well...it reminds me of hearing about communities in Africa that had been sorta "run" by pioneers for years and had recently developed to the point of being able to run all their own affairs. They didn't really need the pioneers anymore and, in fact, the pioneers were encouraged to let go and step into the background and let the locals take care of everything. They were ready to shine!

A week after I arrived here I went to a very moving reflection gathering in Seoul. They had experienced a lot of victories and confirmations in their last, and perhaps first, cycle of their Intensive Program of Growth. I got that feeling then--that the best thing I could do for this community is to let the Koreans take care of as much as possible. Of course I should still teach on my own and bring seekers to events, but if they can join a Korean-speaking study circle it's better. It may be difficult for me to start a study circle of my own because it will need to be in English, at least the discussion portion, but, y'know, we'll see.

So in Korea I'm not pioneering. I am not a pioneer. I'm just an American Baha'i living in Seoul who will teach the Faith as best he can and who will help the local community as best he can while still keeping my distance and letting them do their thing.

In China I was a pioneer. I was needed. I was in a place with amazingly high receptivity. Korea and America are remarkably similar in their mediocre receptivity and people who are committed to another religion already. In China people were hungry for spirituality and meaning! I would just meet people, get to know them a little bit, and they would join study circles like it was no big deal! Then their friends would join! I had many study circles going in China, really good ones. I was able to form new ones with little effort compared to the States. Korea seems to be the same as the States in this regard too: people are wrapped up in their lives, their hobbies, their passions--all wrapped up tightly in themselves--and it takes more to get them interested and into join a study circle.

China spoiled me and now I know what I'm missing. I don't know. I'm in Korea for the money, and that's a good reason to be here, but I'm having trouble seeing how I can be of much service to Faith here compared to China or even the States.

I see guys I knew in China marrying Chinese Baha'i girls and settling down there, building their lives there, living their dream, and feelings of envy and bitterness arise in my heart. They arise and pass away. I was so sure that that was going to be me! Everything was going in that direction. Just like those guys, I knew I wanted to pioneer in China. I felt deep inside that I was called to do just that. As long as I pursued that, everything else would fall into place.

Things were going that way. Then they came to a screeching halt, and before I knew what had happened I was wrapped up in American life, wrapped up in growing debt, wrapped in depression. I got lost in a dark maze and I should be grateful that I've found my way out and am building my life again. And I am.

Maybe all the suffering, all the bad luck, all the dashed dreams are a mercy from God. Me being a pioneer in China is nothing to Him compared to me being a consecrated servant of Baha'u'llah, tempered and purified in the fires of many tests.

I do feel like a different person now. I feel calmer, less interested in all the clamor of the world. I feel like I could just meditate on a flower for a long time, just be. I do feel more peaceful. A coworker today said that she feels peace coming from me and it calms her. That was a huge compliment. It also confirmed a bit what I had been feeling. I really do want the world less and God more now. Perhaps my experiences have made me weary of the world, as 'Abdu'l-Baha said tests were intended to do. I just have to let go and give myself to Baha'u'llah and forget about all my own desires. Let them all go! They're just a burden. Freedom and bliss is to be guided and moved by His will. Since I know that now and may be on that path, maybe things aren't so bad after all!

Things I Like About Korea

- Banana-flavored milk
- Kimchi: spicy, pickled vegetables, most often cabbage
- Tons of spicy food!
- Ultra-cute Korean kids of all ages up 5 or so
- The dynamic, on-fire Korean Baha'i community
- My rockin' school
- The Korean written language, truly a thing of exquisite beauty and efficiency
- The activity in the streets: masses of people of all ages, lots of street vendors
- The plethora of little mom 'n pop shops
- The freshly made, relatively cheap food
- The little restaturant I'm always eating at and ordering from at work
- The fact that some of the people working there speak Chinese!!
- My awesome apartment on the 5th floor: it has a balcony that spans the whole
length of the apartment! That's standard here it seems.
- The fact that homes are heated from pipes under the floor here! So you can lie
down on a warm floor! Nothing like it! You can also dry clothes on it.
- The fact that Koreans always take off their shoes in homes and restaurants (not
little "diners")
- The bird-song-like sounds of children playing that comes into my apartment in the
mornings from the nearby elementary school. (It's great when I wake up but it's
not so great when it's the thing that wakes me up!
- My awesome bossIt's really all about the kindness. It's just so nice to have a
kind, loving boss who really cares about me!
- My students, with all their ups and downs. They're a bunch of good eggs!
- My helpful coworkers, Simon and Jennifer, who are very kind. Thery're good people
and they happen to be in a relationship together which makes things a little more
interesting.
- My sweet coworkers, 6 Korean women. They're funny and kind.
- My new friend Sujeong, a Korean Baha'i woman, who I've already become good friends
with! She did Vipassana too! The first person I've met that's also done it!
- My good, old friend Lex, who I've not lived around for ages. It's awesome to be
back in each other's lives!
- The fact that Korean people hardly jaywalk at all. I like that everybody-following-
the-rules thing. (Though it's probably more due to the fact that Korean drivers
drive fast and will run you over and keep on going.)
- Korean strawberries! The best ever!
- Korean flowers and blossoming trees!
- The awesome Korean subway system! It's a thing of beauty folks. I just SO LOVE not
having to deal with a car!!!
- Learning a new language! I think Korean will be easier than Chinese, partly
because the script is as easy to read as Chinese is difficult.
- The fact that I can get whatever Western food I want here if I really want it
pizza, ice cream, Dr. Pepper, just about anything) or I can totally avoid it.
- Studying Book 3 (Teaching Baha'i Children's Classes) with awesome Baha'is!
- Living in Korea!

Darn...

I passed up a golden opportunity to teach the Faith tonight. I had been spending time with some coworkers out to dinner, etc. After a while the others left and it was just me and one of the Korean teachers from my work finishing off our drinks. We had talked about the Faith and religion a bit earlier in the evening. That was THE time to bring up spiritual matters again and just learn where she's coming from, what she's searching for, ar least just listen to her story if not discuss the Faith.

It didn't even occur to me! After all the spiritual thoughts in the blog last night, after talking to her about the Faith earlier and sensing receptivity I just chit chatted about this and that, it got a little quite and we picked up and left. Right after she turned to go her way I realized my folly. Dammit!

Knowing that I missed an opportunity at all is progress I guess. Who knows when or if we'll be in that situation again. I guess I just have to keep on going. Just do my best, be my best. I'm sure I've squandered countless opportunities just like that since I became a Baha'i in 1993! Most of them I either wasn't aware of or wasn't confident enough to sieze. So I guess spacing out and being in a selfish trance and then coming out of it and realizing that I wasn't thinking about Baha'u'llah or the other person's well-being is a part of coming out of the Big Trance that lasts all day long every day. A sign of real change is realizing that you're doing something that you had previously been oblivious of, right?

I don't remember the feeling being so potent before. I may have lost my chance to really help her in a huge way to grow and find her heart's desire! I may have more golden opportunities or I may not. Not one can be taken for granted. I hope this feeling is the beginning of embracing the responsiblity that comes with the great privelage I've been given.

Tomorrow I'll attend Common Ground, the local Baha'i fireside/discussion group that goes on every Saturday or so. That will be cool. Then on Sunday I'll start attending a Book 3 study circle. That's all about teaching Baha'i children's classes. Fits well for me since I'm working with kids. I really want to spend as much time as possible with the local Baha'is.

One thing I learned last Sunday at the relfection gathering is that in Korea I'm not pioneering, not at all. They got their own thing going on here, they have a Local Spiritual Assembly here in Seoul, they have an Intensive Program of Growth going on here, they have new believers coming into the community, they have older believers getting fired up and trained in the Ruhi process. They've got it going on, and they speak Korean. I don't, so I can't tutor study circles in Korean do anything in Korean. I also can't attend most Feasts because I don't get off work until 9pm.

Korea doesn't need me in the way that China needed me. That's totally cool of course, and that doesn't necessarily mean that Korea isn't a good place for me to be. I have to remember that I'm here for the money. If it weren't for that I'd be in Chine right now. The money might keep me here for 2 years though, and during that time I might learn a lot of Korean and then who knows.

Other things could come up to keep me here too. I'm no professional teacher here by any means but I could become one. The pay is enough to make a real living no doubt, though the 3-9pm schedule isn't really tenable once kids come into the picture, nor is it great for being in a relationship or having a normal life and going to Feast and all that. It definitely works for now though!

Wife and kids. I'm starting to feel more detached about love than I have in ages. Ever since I was in my first big relationship from 2000-03, I've been obsessed about getting into another one. I've gotten in and out of too many and experienced some really, really rocky times as a result of my blind craving for love. I'll never have peace until I just let the whole thing go and accept whatever God sends me. No wife for this life? OK. No kids? Cool, whatever you want, God! No sex? No problem. No cuddling? Who needs it. Really, these things are great, but the craving for them is just another part of the bigger problem of the trance of self. It's another craving, another fear, another dream not of God. Another path into the wilderness. Throwing off the shackles of this world is the only way to peace and joy and fulfillment. The longing for romance and companionship is just another shackle, one of the most dangerous and insidious traps of all in fact because it's mixed up with a lot of noble sentiments. So it's one of the very toughest ones to leave behind. It's the ultimate drug. And it's harder for me, too, since I have been madly in love and drunk deep of love. In end however, it has blindly inclined me to error.

So anyway I'm gonna keep working on all this stuff but in the midst of it all I need to rapidly progress as a teacher. Winging it will simply not do this time! That's a challenge for me because wingng it is basically how I've been living my life for...all my life. I need to come to class prepared! I need to recognize what my students need and give it to them! I need to teach them in such a way that they enjoy the lessons and progress in English. I face the challenge that I continue avoiding ceaselessly: to work hard so that I am prepared andeffective in my work. Failure is not an option this time.

One of the other foreign teachers at my school is a "real teacher." She's going to move on to teaching elementary school at an international school this summer. She's so good. Really amazing. I'm just amazed at people who apply themselves so well, so consistently, who become truly excellent in their work. SHe makes me look like chopped liver, which is good. I'm lucky to have such an example. She's super busy though so I hope she'll have time in the future to teach me more of her magic. A few of the kids in my more advanced class used to have her as a teacher and I feel a little sensative to them. It's obvious they had a transformative experience with her and I'm kind of chopped liver to them too. I can't let it get to me too much though because I'm new to this kind of teaching--China, subbing, and Goodwill were definitely warmups but not the same type of teaching at all in many ways--and she's been teaching in Korea at this kind of school for like 6 years.

I love teaching kids and teens and spending time with them. I am sensitive to the pressure on me as a teacher to teach well though. If I don't do well the student suffers. Anyways, I'm commited to improving every week. The next two weeks are the last of the term and then we start a new one, though I'm not sure exactly what that entails. So these next two weeks are my time to really pull everything together and get honed. I'm up to it.

Blogging Again

Hello to all you wonderful souls reading this! (Quick note: everything before this post is 4 years old.) I hope this can be a way that I keep in touch with you, though I'm sure it will often ramble out into various dimensions that may or may not interest you. Depends on my mood (and what music I'm listening to while I'm writing!) Seems like most times I blog I'm in a kind of melancholy, lonely mood. The last time I was blogging very much people reading it thought I was depressed but I was just showing one side of life! Might be the same this time around so don't be alarmed! Anyway I hope to balance that stuff out with interesting down-to-earth, day-to-day stuff. This one's gonna be rambly. Rambliscious.

So on to what's on my mind now....which is: will I ever stop feeling like I'm drifting and floating through this life? I don't remember ever feeling like I belong here, like, "Oh, yeah, I'm human, I'm American, I'm this, I'm that, so let's get on with it!" It's been much more like, "Man, how much longer do I have to be in this body? How much longer do I have to keep doing all this stuff? How much longer do I have to keep feeding and clothing myself and working at jobs and running on these tracks?

Maybe that sounds lazy and that's definitely part of it. Laziness is a vice of mine. It's not that I don't want to do things to help other people and contribute to the whole and pull my weight and then some. I don't know. I just want to be free. I want to be in the next world so much. I wouldn't wish for death, partly because of the sadness it would cause and partly because I don't pretend to be ready at all.

I feel like I've been pushing at the walls of self ever since I knew they were there. Sometimes I break through and taste the sweet fragrance of His Presence all around me, but then I fall right back into my selfish oblivion. It's those moments of small victories that have given me hope that happinessis possible for me. All else but this is ashes! Baha'u'llah is not exaggerating when He says things like that! All the crap, crap, crap! He calls it "the world." Every satisfaction it provides might as well be the exact equivalent of getting stoned or something as far as I'm concerned. It all works when you're in a trance state, fixated on those cravings and aversions, trying to milk the teet of whatever you desire before it's empty once again. Then it's on to the next diversion.

Ok, so that's all well and good. Actually if I wan't a Baha'i that would be it because I would be a priest or monk or rabbi or mullah or whatever. I would just roll with that as far as it could take me. I guarantee I would have been a frickin' kick ASS priest or something! Of course it's good all clergy is abrogated for this Dispensation. Try as they might, clergy as a whole are just too human to take on the burden of being a link between the individual or community and the Divine Unity. Fuggetaboutit!!

Nevertheless that leaves people like me kinda stuck. Are there other Baha'is out there, I wonder, that have trouble finding there way because they're the guy or girl who would be priest or medicine man or whatever and there's just no need anymore for that role?

So is there any solution to longing to burst into flames of the spirit and fly free above the brilliant meadows of the Kingdom of Abha, spreading the sweet savors of His fragrance to all souls whose path I cross, dispersing in the wind, moved by His breath, scattering in the breeze until all traces of self have vanished forever? I mean as opposed to what, day after day, is continuing to not be that, i.e. this life?

Suicide is not the answer. It leads to an opposite result. Asceticism is not the answer. It can't be reconciled with the need for servants of God to serve humanity. We already ruled out priesthood. Living at the World Center? Nah, that's like trying to find a loophole. Baha'u'llah commands action, integration with humanity, tireless work to transmit His healing message to all peoples, a lifetime of the utmost effort to the extent of my capacity to do the glorious work of the Cause.

My feeling right now is YES! Wow what an unbelievable privelage that I will never be worthy of! While I still have time I must do all I can! YES!

But stuff keeps getting in the way, stuff lodged in various places inside me. It goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Ugh! It's sickening! I'm so tired of it! 'Abdu'l-Baha said that one of the desired effects of tests and difficulties is to make us weary of this world and cause us to long for the Kingdom. I'm not sure if He was at all referring to the way I feel but I do feel weary of this world.

Ok, so how do you attain the Kingdom even if you want it? All I can think of is to give up. Give up my desires. Give up my hopes. My dreams. My loves. My opinions. My personality. My interests. My quirks. My mannerisms. My cravings. My likes. My dislikes. My deep desires. My hobbies. My plans. My pleasures. My pain. My past. My future. My self.

What good has all of that done me anyway? Nothing compared to what He has done for me. What good has all of that done for others in my life? Nothing compared to what He has done through me for others. My only glimmers of peace and joy have come when I was somehow able to free myself from all those things and....be with Him.

I remember this one time (I may have told you this story) when I had been meditating all day in a retreat back in the day. I went for a walk in a really meditative zone, really on a higher plane, at least a little. I swear I was able to perceive things being communicated that had been absolutely invisible before. In particular there was this one bird singing. That song! Words beyond language! I felt I was witnessing the power of God to speak to us through all things at all times, uniquely each time, unfathomably beautiful and profound and glorious! I felt like I had never opened my eyes before and I just flickered them open for a moment. I can never forget what I saw.

When I think of a lifetime of "living martyrdom," daily conquest of self and complete sacrifice of all for Baha'u'llah,it seems like an unbearable, toilsome journey. Too hard! Too long! Too much! But then when I think of the alternative--a life of more of the same vacillation, regret, confusion, and terrible remoteness from Him--I realize that that is the real hell.

Do you ever feel like you keep holding onto so many aspects of your self because you just are afraid to let go? Or because you know others think those aspects are vital? Or because you lack the imagination, the willingness to believe that you can live without these things? What will happen if you just let go? Why do you have to be "you"?

We've learned so much by now! Even those of us who are only in our early or mid-twenties have learned so much! We know so much, and I'm not just talking about Baha'is. How much do we know that we haven't acted on? How simple are so many things that we convince ourselves are complicated?

What if all the things that mystics have woven the most illuminated tapestries of elucidation on are all at our fingertips and all we have to do is reach out and sieze them? Sieze them and never let go? What if all we have to do is throw off EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING and take firm hold of the cord of His kindness? What if that's really all there is to it?

The Blessed Beauty spoke these words: "O SON OF MAN! If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself; and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own; that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee."

He states this so simply. These words are truth. They are not a roundabout interpretation of truth. They are Truth. This is not a metaphor for what He wants us to do. It's what He wants us do! Without delay! If He says it is that simple, it's that simple!

"If thou lovest Me..."

"If thou lovest Me..."

"If thou lovest Me..."

If I love Him. If I love Him. If I love Him.

I love Him. I love Him. I love Him.

I love Him! I love Him! I love Him!

Love Him. Love Him. Love Him.

Him. Him. Him.

Baha'u'llah. Baha'u'llah. Baha'u'llah.

Baha'u'llah! Baha'u'llah!

Baha'u'llah!

Nih!

aah, don't feel like writing here lately, but i will later. sometime you'll randomly check back here and there will be lovely new things to read. sorry to dissappoint but you should know i am being creative. i've been drawing lately for the first time in a while. any time when i'm giving people gifts there's a chance i'll draw them a card. this Christmas i'm doing some of that. haven't drawn at all in forever. it's great. plus my mom has this one room set up as her studio. it's mostly taken up with stuff for making jewelry and clothes, etc. but there's a drawing table with all kinds of art supplies and two nice speakers from the stereo system. so i was feeling right at home, getting into the groove with the art. plus i was able to use my favorite art tool: watercolor pencils. those so rock!

so Christmas is coming. we do it white elephant style here. i get to give a present to my brother-in-law, which is fun because he's a "vocal" Republican, so i can tease him that i'm giving him a subscription to the Michael Moore fan club or something. actually, don't tell but i'm getting him John Stewart's "America (The Book)," which, if you haven't checked it out, is absolutely hysterical. i got my grandma too and she wants pajamas. can't fault her there. two folks got me and i'm going to ask for 1) a gift certificate to my favorite music store (cuz CD's are expensive!) and 2) the computer game i covet: "Pirates!" it's a remake of the 1987(!!!) classic by Sid Meir, who created Civilzation. i was obsessed with Pirates! back in the day. it's still one of the all time greats, and i mean top of the heap. now i get to play it again! i'm the luckiest man that ever lived! how many people get to say that their favorite game ever, way above all the rest, which they thought was obsolete and they would never play again, gets remade in this age of awesome graphics, etc. by the premier game designer? dream come true. but that's if it works on this laptop Michael got me to use for a while from the university he works at.

been cracking out on Civ III lately. i'm gonna go buy the expansion today for $20. it adds cool stuff like having slaves, being Mayan and sacrificing slaves, Fascism, etc., etc. when i go back to Oly to play the board game, though, that will be awesome. really got a hankerin' for that lately.

was reunited with a friend from back in the day in Austin when i first becaame a Baha'i and was really high on life. we had some really good times and were part of a whole group and time that i'll always be nostalgic about. now we're like "that was 11 years ago!" so we're gonna hang out tonight. that will be awesome. lots of catching up to do.

studying for the GRE. i think i'll do alright. i'm gonna go ahead and apply to grad school and forget about teaching. counceling is the thing for me and i need to just accept it and get on with it. even if the schools don't accept me, it's just one year. i'd make it in the next time around. got accepted to be a substitute teacher but that doesn't start till Jan.7, so i applied to some temp agencies. i'd like to go ahead and do some social work stuff but when i look at the job postings i never meet the qualifications. we'll see.

hope you're filled with Christmas spirit! (take any excuse to be a little happier!)

Getting Up to Date

this seems a little new. i came to write in my blog simply because i have a desire to write, not becuase i have some particular stuff i want to express or vent or because i want to connect with people. i just want to write--put words on the page and see where they take me. that's actually not been a standard feeling for me at all for a long time. i've always known that writing is perhaps the most effective way for me to express my stuff and work through it and be creative but it always took something else on top of just writing to get me to do it. why is that? one thing i know is that i've always had this concern with doing things that have no result. it's one of those totally irrational anxieties that is also incredibly ironic considering the collosal amount of time i have spent doing things that are basically different ways of frittering away the day.

it's like this: i know i'm not doing enough to change the world and myself for the better, so if i spend much time just writing and being creative and that kind of thing i'll become invested in something that isn't a "service" or "important." so i'll turn away from that to more serious things like thinking about life, solving the riddle of the cosmos, going out to make a difference in some way. but i really want to be creative but push that down for now. but i don't know how to make a difference, how to change the world. but i must. well, i know what i have to do. i'm clearly just too weak to do it. there's something wrong with me. if only i could find it and root it out. in the meantime i'll save myself from total panic and perpetual anxiety attacks by escaping into games, sports, TV, and what have you. the world won't go away but it won't be solved. it's like a rubix cube that's wrapping itself around my mind, becoming more conviluted the more i grapple with it. i can't handle it! so i'll go smoke some pot. now i'm really a pathetic loser. look at me. i wish i was chopped liver. better not think about that. smoke some more pot. watch some more sports. play some more video games. the days are passing. i'm moving away from myself but once i've escaped i find myself standing in the mirror once again. no escape, none but the knife or gun. but forget that--not an option. clearly stuck in a hole now. what was i trying to get to in the first place. truth. goodness. virtue. greatness. lost my shot at those things. what's left? if i can't be worthy i can be sure to hide myself from the gaze of those who will surely see me for the utter failure that i am. but that's everyone that matters. oh i'm in a pickle now. take me away please, restart me, squish me into a blob and start again PLEASE! but God won't listen. i keep waking up every day. keep waking up, dammit. the road is too long, too treacherous, too tortuous, too confusing, and i am just too damn depressed. turn in to the safety, the forgiveness, the love, the hope of my lady, my girl, my baby. oops, i slipped up. now she's gone. gone forever. nothing o hold on to now. falling....falling...falling out of my reality and itno the realization that i am one depressed, imobilized crazy man that needs to get his frickin life together cuz it aint gonna get any better unless i make it better. well, i'm depressed wnough to take medication. start the Lexapro. that makes it better. my brain's back on side of the good guys. leave all this swampy mess behind. do something completely and utterly new and different. go to China! everything's new, exciting. clean slate fresh start. living, learning. look at everybody looking at me! i'm a celebrity. i'm tall. i'm worth something. but China isn't my home. i can't stay here, not now. now that i feel like i can really do something with my life, i've got some stuff to prove to me, hurdles to jump, levels to reach, dragons to vanquish, magic items to find and use. maybe someday that whole process can go on in China or wherever but i gotta go back to my home and make it HAPPEN. make what happen? i dunno. find a profession that i enjoy; engage in the process of mastering something; get paid with benefits; take care of myself in "real life" as opposed to foreign guest in China life; do the things, such as writing, etc., that i feel called to do; build a healthy, balanced life for myself.

that's the challenge right now. so what emaotion do i feel about it all? FEAR. i'm afraid i will fail, everyone will see that i have no clue what i'm doing, i'll go left when i should go right, i'll trip and fall on my face, and stand in front of the judges and forget everything i ever learned. not to mention the fear that i already met and blew it with the girl(s) of my dreams and i'll eventually just settle for less. i also feel curiosity though. where am i going exactly? what will it be like when i arrive? who will i meet along the way? how hard or easy will it be? will i become happy, content? will i experience tragedy, cataclysm? will i someday feel like i've come close to fulfilling my potential? will i be a father and a husband? if so will i do good job or will i screw it up?

the other big feeling is impatience. i want to know the answer to these questions NOW! forget that--i want the resolution to all of it immediately! i'm sick of waiting! day after day after day. let's do this already! to a large extent i have significant capacity to speed things along. that's why i came back from China early, that's why i'm going with this teaching certification program and for becoming a teacher pronto instead of grad school (besides the fact i was starting to feel very doubtful about neing accepted.)

there are some areas, hoever, where impatience just doesn't pay, namely that of falling in love, having a female companion, and all that good stuff. after Kristen and i went north and south i found i was no longer consituted the same as before i was in a relationship for three years (or was it forever?) i have a really hard time being just Daniel On His Own these days. it's been 1.5 years but i'm still ancy. i was really ancy before, so i went out nd got a girl. oops, she's not the girl i want to be with. too late, i shattered her heart. tried to pick up the pieces and help her put it back together, but she preferred me to make myself scarce. so i did. got into a relationship with another girl, so wonderful she was (and is.) thank heavens we're still frinds. she wasn't the one for me either, nor was China the place i could stay. so i went east and she went west. now i still find myself looking for a girlfriend and behaving like an idiot sometimes as a result. no question, that will be great but it's like a big camel that's decided to take a rest and simply will not be moved by any force on Earth. keep trying and the only reaction i get is a faceful of camel spit. that camel, she's a good camel, and i'm sure we'll journey over this desert together for a long time. but right now i just gotta accept that she's takin a chill pill and gotta do some other stuff. not that i think girls are like camels. girls are beautiful, too beautiful. i just have this urge to put lots of energy into a relationship. habit? it's something to guard against, even if i do meet someone with whom sparks fly and stars align. i've learned that even when everything is lined up wonderfully in the beginning, things can end up worse than i ever imagined they could, and it was largely because of mistakes i made that i have the opportunity to not repeat. and that is simply life.

i could go on and on but--oops, did that already, but it's MY blog and i'll ramble as much as i darn well please! yes! this is fun. i like it. feels good. not as good as cheap 1.5 hour massages in China though. gosh i miss those! the lack of massages is seriously something we have to work together to correct in this country. if Bush had been pro-massage it would have really thrown a stick in the spokes for me. bye

Pox Pout

Got chickenpox. Writing this in Word, but let the damn self-correctness be. Don’t really want to be writing but don’t really want to be doing anything but lying on my bed, but don’t really want to be doing that. Sitting in any place for very long I start to feel the sand gathering over me. I’ll be a man-shaped dune. You can’t find me. No one can find anyone including themselves, but that’s normal. Not a depressing thought, just…trudging through that thought. Life is like following a treasure map that that leads you on vast quests with only clues at the end. Keep going. You’re almost somewhere worth being, you’re almost happy. Sounds self-absorbed high school blah.

So!? If I wrote poetry it would sound like high school crap. I’m no poet but, point is, some problems came up around then that still haven’t been solved. Same old subject matter. Is it all about happiness? If I was happy would I be writing, would I be in a trance riding chemical waves, hitching my soul to a butterfly, hoping it won't be eaten by a crow? When I don’t feel happy I wonder what it is and how to get it and keep it. When I feel happy its because I feel really close to someone. Most of the time that happens with a girl, sometimes with a guy, and every once in a while that Someone is God.

Right now I, um….don’t feel close—enough—to enough. Being cooped up in a house day after day, sweaty, scrungy, and…poxy (chicken style) well that gets old fast. I should be reading all the time. Read read read! Haven’t done that yet. Maybe no energy, maybe no attention span. Maybe some of both, more of the latter. Oh so sick of tv. Hate hate hate tv. Hate the tv. Kill it. It should be swallowed by the earth like Carey’s house at the end of the movie. With fire.

Oh, oh, oh….. I’m going over the stuff I’ve got going (nothing) and the stuff I’m planning (everything) and I’m like “that’s all good” and “I’ll be so busy with all that I won’t have time to sulk” and “don’t worry just do the next thing. The next thing. The next thing.

I’ll be a teacher…teaching kids. Will they let me do that? Oh boy, I know I can do a good job but will I? The whole things pretty nebulous right now. I guess a couple months from now if I’m actually teaching with a regular schedule and fitting everything else that’s important and necessary and fun in where I can, maybe my life will feel normal and structured and leading toward something tangible on earth. Maybe that will be good. Maybe that will be conducive to happiness.

Not to say I’m not stoked about he prospect of being a teacher, just very afraid of failure and rejection. And middle school kids. Petrified. Not really but man let’s get on with this and see what happens!! Transcripts go off in the mail tomorrow and I apply online with the fee, so then were off! They say within three weeks I can start hunting. But then it’s Christmas vacation. We’ll see. Good thing I didn’t get a holiday job yet. Woulda had it for a week and had to quit. You don’t call in sick for two weeks on a holiday job. But what’s left after this episode? Not money. Actually since you’re here reading this you clearly care, so I was wondering if for just a short while, I mean briefly, if I could just sorta borrow like, y’know, just…oh, never mind.

Music. I looooove music. I listened so much in China. Don’t know what I would have done without my trusty headphones and CD player. Without them on, I wouldn’t have picked up my butt and started writing tonight, that’s for certain. It definitely a night for keeping Massive Attack’s Protection on repeat. I love this Light My Fire rendition. Plus the title song.i just frikkin love Massive Attack.

I had the desire to reach out, connect, express. Putting words on the screen always seems to address that, fill something up inside. Damn lonely thing too. All this and there’s still just a screen in front of me, people watching TV in the background. Long road ahead. Where’s my hugs and kisses? Where’s my lullabies and sweet nothings whispered softly? Where’s my slow dancing and eye-swimming? I’m worthy! I can love with the best of them! There’s no length I won’t go to to make someone happy, when I know they want it, they’re quietly waiting, they want to love me in return. why can’t normal frienship, family bonds feel more like that? Why can’t we live like the happy aliens? Why is that desire so strong that all the other stuff about job and money and stuff and this and that—the whole rest of life!—just feel altogether like such a nondescript, utilitarian floor to stand on so that I have the chance to really live, which is to touch souls!? Why is that so hard to do? I’m really hungry for it these days. One way or another, that’s what what I’m looking for. And I don’t want a girlfriend out of it, thank you! At least not now. I just wanna go a little higher with someone else. sometimes this life is just too long. Can I move on to the next world now? That’s really what I’m looking for. It lasts forever, so aiming toward it is a good thing, but it offers such delayed gratification.

Times like this are for praying. Do it and it works. It makes it better. I’m gonna go do that. Pray. Seems like the best people that lived figured out that was the only way they could make it through this world. Praying all the time, in their ways. Haven’t tried that yet. sometimes i feel like reaching out to God is like being a diver stuck on the bottom pulling on the cord to give the signal "pull me up!". but the cord is wrapped around a big 'ol coral reef. you gotta keep pullin if you wanna get anywhere, but it's more to get unstuck than to really start raising your altitude.

Hello Again

Hey yo, I’m back. Most of you reading this have heard a fair amount from me over the electrowaves but none of it has been inside the blogosphere. Well, I’m back to blogging. Guess that means I have to have things to talk about. Hmmmm…..

Well, this entry won’t be very ambitious, but I’ll get you up to date o a few things. I just got all the stuff that I need together, so tomorrow (I just forgot how to spell tomorrow. Bet that doesn’t happen with Spanish.) I’ll begin the process of application, etc. which will lead me, I hope, by early January to get a position as a middle school teacher somewhere round here. There are a number of openings even at this time of the year, so I just have to find the right one. The program I’ll be participating in is called “iteachtexas.” Basically, there are two parts to it. One is an online curriculum that must be completed within 6 months. The other is field experience as the “teacher of record.” So I get the internship stuff at the same time I’m being the teacher and getting paid with benefits! Sounds nice, huh? It feels right for me right now. The only downside is, of course, jumping into teaching without any experience as a teacher here. I did get some quality experience in China which will no doubt help me tons, but China’s a li’l different. Especially in the classroom. (why am I capitalizing so much? Oh, I’m doing this in Word and it’s doing it for me! That was weird.)

So anyways, I’ll be doing that instead of grad school. I wanna know what it’s likee to be a teacher before I jump headlong into something else. I got the feeling in China that I could really dig being a teacher long term, just not an oral English teacher in China. The interaction with the kids, being this consistent part of their life to whatever extent, the performance and comedy aspect, those appeal to me. Grading papers sucks though. But maybe it would suck less over time. Whatever happens, I’m stoked to try this out. I’ll probably end up teaching for a year and a half and then we’ll see.

Otherwise…..well, yesterday I was sick all day with a 102 degree fever. I slept all day. I was still kinda sick today and I slept all day. Plus I drank lotsa water and took some medicine. Now I’m doin fine. Just came outta nowhere.

We had our real Thanksgiving on Saturday because everyone was available. Tomorrow the actual day but it will only be mom, mike, me, grandma, and mike’s parents. Everyone else is spreading out here and there. My sister’s on call. She’s a doctor.

So that’s enough for now. I’m feelin pretty good, though I’ve been susceptible to the gloomy weather. Here and there I feel overwhelmed by life and not happy, but it passes, and I go back to feelin real good about the way things are goin! Talk to ya later.

Love,
dan

And it was gooood!

Welcome to my new creation, the blobular lifeform that is my.....blog. this is a genaration of such internetty, functional names of things isn't it? for instance, our President's official title is "The President of the United States," but the much more apt name for him is simply, "Dubya." while those two syllables do him justice, when i think of bearing all (or 85% of all of consequence) the word "blog" just doesn't encapsulate the whole endeavor for me. all of this is being said by Ace Ventura's butt by the way...

anyways, yeah so this is my blog. WELCOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!! it's a real kick if you read every fifth word. really. i put a lot of work into this..... (snicker)

well to begin with, i actually was raised in a barn. no, but i think i was born in a hot tub. that would explain a lot, especially my keen affinity for hot bubbling clhorinated water flowing all over me, consuming me, washing me clean of all sin----oh, oh, okay i'm back, i'm back. right now you're thinking, "I'm not sure i have time for this..." time is Deutchmarks, and Deutchmarks aaaare German.

so right now i'm battling the whispy willow man called Insomnia. his crafty roots have got me by the pinky toes and aren't letting go. (knew i should have had them surgically removed. hindsights 20/20 and all...) he keeps me up all night with those creaking limbs, and during the day he summons platoons of fuzzy bunnys to nuzzle me to sleep.

it all started when i woke up and said to myself, "Ugh." then i thought, "i could happily leave China right now. there's just not enough for me here right now. i've seen it i've done it i've tasted it i've certainly smelled it. and i've loved it, indeed. but i need to move on with my life.

and i've decided to do so: I WILL BE ACCEPTED TO GRADUATE SCHOOL POSTHASTE AND UPON THE PASSING OF TWO YEARS SHALL RECEIVE THE DEGREE OF MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK. with a concentration in counceling. i wanna be there for the young folks, basically anyone whose age starts with a "1," including, possibly 100 year-old people, but i don't know i could do for 1-year-olds, except hug them and squeeze them and call them my own! yes, my biological sun dial is... dialing. kids are the best to me right now, yet somehow...um...i can wait. when it happens though, it'll be gooooood!

so, yes, by November or January i'll be back in Texas, with some time in Washington i hope before i must scrounge up employment in Austin. i'll work on finding a groove, busting a move, got somethin ta prove, got a thorn in my hoof (that's pronounced hoove by some), but i'm going make some strides that will certainly behoove (ha haaaa!) me and hopefully lots of other people. say what you will of me, i've always longed to be a bright light in other people's lives, that is when i'm thinking about other people and not being totally self absorbed. and so we return to the title of my blog. (Monty Python? does that make it funnier?) i hope not to blather on ceaselessly on myself. though this is some nice therapy, i do want you to enjoy reading it! yet it seems a perilous affair to bring up other people and their lives here in more than passing. like gossip, which i despise. but my life is all wrapped up, thankfully, with others,' and i've few complaints about you (except that you all smell of wilderberry) so i'll find a way to gracefully make reference to your charms here. those are all i want to remember anyway, unless you start trying to sell me Cutco knives. then you've crossed the line!!! but like those blades my love for you all needs no sharpening. it only longs for use, so my highest hope(or on the top 5 list opf highest hopes) is that my chances for showing you love, and my success ratio for those times, ever increases. no joke! i love to be loved. the only thing better is to love. i'm growing up, slowly but surely (grad school! whoa...), i hope while i learn to be a man in other ways, i mainly learn to love. to live it, breath it, soak it in from man, nature, and Creator, and express it in such ways that will bring us spiraling closer together and higher and higher towards our Hearts' Desire. and if Kate Winslet is reading this, that means you to. my email is danieltaom@hotmail.com. i'm kinda hard to reach by phone. gimme a buzz.

a'ight all you crazies, lazies, hazies, and especially you rainbow daisys, i'm outta here, but i'll be back, and i'm bringin' fruit!!!

catch ya on the slip'n'slide